10 Shameless Attempts To Win An Oscar

Tis' the season...

10. Angelina Jolie, Changeling: Missing child? Check. Period and historical context? Check. Portraying person from real life who moans like Dwight Schrute and throws herself against a bunch of walls? Checky check. For the record, this movie is way funnier if you imagine it’s Angelina in real life after she doesn’t win the Oscar this year. See also: Angelia Jolie, A Mighty Heart.

9. Denzel Washington, The Hurricane: In all honesty, my love for all things Mr. Washington knows no bounds...but come on Academy, how many times does the guy have to say “Hate put me in here…but loves' gunna bust me out!” before you shower him with gold statues? Answer: however many times he said it in Training Day...

8. Robin Williams, Patch Adams: Ol' Hairy Knuckes McGee didn’t even get nominated for his portrayal of a speech-giving doctor who goes to court a lot, has magical butterflies land on him, and blasts deafening string music so loudly, it kills his wife. They really should have just gone the extra step and given that butterfly AIDS.

7. Cuba Gooding Jr, Radio: A decade after his Supporting Actor Oscar (yuck...), CBJ attempted to re-legitimize his career by ditching crap comedies and making, instead, the single funniest movie of all time.

6. Ben Kingsley, Gandhi: I love how Ben Kingsley’s such a frickin’ good actor, no one cared that he donned brownface and spoke in a Don Rickles-style Indian voice to nab the most automatic Oscar-winning role in the history of history. The role of Martin Luther King is still up for grabs, though… Jude Law, anyone? Clive Owen?

5. Will Smith, The Pursuit of Happyness: I got gypped out of that Oscar for playing Muhammad Ali, so I have to win for playing homeless single dad defying odds and cultural bounds, right? Maybe if I just keep playing this piano and grabbing this symbolic fence, people won’t notice how vague my life advice is…

4. Emma Thompson, Howard’s End: Discussing lust and property value with Sir Anthony Hopkins in the periodest period piece that ever perioded? I’m surprised the Academy waited 'til the Oscar ceremony to give her the award instead of just whipping it at the screen when they saw this movie.

3. Tom Hanks, The 1990s: What’s the fastest way to go from starring in buddy comedies opposite a pooch to being an A+++ +lister? How about getting AIDS then being retarded and causing all of American history to happen in back to back Oscar seasons? Nowadays, Hanks is so goddamn legit, we almost gave him an award for that episode of “Survivor” he filmed.

*2. Sean Penn, I Am Sam: OMG, you mean retarded dads can love too?? Whaa?????? I thought retarded people were just evil and couldn’t have kids and if they did have kids they hated them, but I was shown the error in my beliefs by Sean Penn’s courageous Jerry Lewis impression!

* - These comments brought to you by: Questionable Taste. Questionable Taste: Making you hate me a little bit more each day.

1. Julia Roberts, Erin Brokovich: Would this movie have been any different if they’d just filmed Julia Roberts slam-dunking an Oscar through a basketball hoop? Well, yeah, then we wouldn’t have seen the cartoonish naysayers who don’t believe in Erin Brokovich say “Well I never!” and have their monocles fall into their martinis then they drink the monocles by mistake then spit them out when Erin Brokovich accomplishes another thing that they cannot believe! She’s a wooooommmmaaaannnn, people!!!

Honorable Mentions: Jim Carrey in Man On The Moon/The Majestic, Helen Mirren in The Queen, Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man, Holly Hunter in The Piano, Ed Harris in Pollock

Today's Contents of My Office Mailbox (which I have checked a mere 3 times in 1.5 yrs of employment)

in increasing order of funniness (to me)


5.) A birthday card dated Dec. 1, 2008.

4.) An invitation to the LSU Law 2008 Distinguished Alumnus Banquet to be held on October 30, 2008

3.) A map of downtown Baton Rouge (where I have lived practically all my life and am quite familiar) sent interoffice from someone with girly handwriting. Date unknown

2.) A packet of seeds. Date unknown

1.) A yellowed USA Today newspaper clipping on Lost entitled "Readers imagine living islands and talkings dogs" dated April 24, 2008. It appears to have been saved for 4 months and sent interoffice by P.Jenkins some time in July.

7 people I am totally in love with even though I am at least 10 years too old (if not 20) to feel this way

• Aleksandra
• Ellen
• Gareth
• Harriet
• Neil
• Ollie
• Tom

Happy Birthday, Candice!

Things I would buy Candice for her birthday if I had a million dollars

• Britney Spears concert tix
• Studio space
• Vacation to Tahoe
• Some real gaudy, awesome diamond something or other
• A bag of treats
  
• Schwann's franchise for Houston
• Mini-Cooper
• iPhone
• Container Store gift certificate
  
• the hat Aretha Franklin wore at the inauguration

10 Things That Are Bothering Me Right Now

1. Leonardo Dicaprio was not nominated for Best Actor.
   
2. I am not as good at my job as I used to be.
3. I am hungry.
   
4. I am unable to make decisions because I am paralyzed by fear of their consequences.
5. My shirt is covered in tiny, almost unnoticeable, stains.
   
6. I think I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
7. My face is so, so round.
   
8. Facebook has become a habit, not a diversion.
   
9. I am unable to fully appreciate Benjamin Button because of Forrest Gump.
10. I can't remember, or never knew, who that old lady character on LOST is.
    

Why not? Oscar nod predictions...

Picture:
1) Curious Case 2) Slumdog 3) Milk 4) Revolutionary Road 5)Wall-E

Director:
1) Fincher 2) Boyle 3) Mendes 4) Van Sant 5) Christopher Nolan (why not?)

Actor:
1) Rourke 2) Penn 3) Langella 4) DiCaprio 5) Richard Jenkins

Actress:
1)Jolie 2) Winslet 3) Streep 4) Hawkins 5) Blanchett

Too tired to do any more....

tragic Oscar oversights (acting only, since 2000)

• 2007 - Samantha Morton, Control
• 2006 - Catherine O'Hara, For Your Consideration
• 2005 - Ralph Fiennes, The Constant Gardener
• 2004 - Mark Wahlberg, I Heart Huckabees
• 2003 (aka, worst year ever, thank you Renee Zellweger)
• Paul Bettany, Master and Commander
• Catherine O'Hara , A Mighty Wind
• Uma Thurman, Kill Bill
  
• Miranda Richardson, Spider
• Paul Giamatti, American Splendor
• Hope Davis, American Splendor
• Patricia Clarkson, The Station Agent

• 2002 - Michelle Pfeiffer, White Oleander
  
• 2001 - Gene Hackman, The Royal Tenenbaums
  
• 2000 (tie, but I'm screwed because I'd only kick out Juliette Binoche)
  
• Bjork, Dancer in the Dark
  
• Gillian Anderson, The House of Mirth

This post brought to you by my extreme concern that Leonardo Dicaprio and/or Kate Winslet will not get nominated for Revolutionary Road tomorrow morning. Thank you for listening.

6 Movies That Make Me Cry No Matter How Many Times I Watch Them

(not including animated movies which are ridiculous)

• Field of Dreams
• Dogfight
• Dancer in the Dark
• Men Don't Leave
• The Trip to Bountiful
• A River Runs Through It
  

12 things that happen on every episode of House

1) Someone falls to the ground without warning (for some reason they always have their kid with them when this happens).
2) They're brought to whatever stupid hospital House works at I guess because they assume a "normal" hospital could never help them.
3) House and his semi-retarded team brainstorm about the diagnosis and cure. The team always disagrees with House.
4) House outsmarts them and tells them to do *fill-in-the-blank.
5) The patient convulses because whatever they did was wrong.
6) House has some other sub-plot going on like trying to learn a piano piece, or having to attend a birthday party or getting his house repaired (this always comes back later).
7) The family of the patient gets angry at House because he's so sarcastic and not really doing anything except limping around being an asshole.
8) House tries something "new" and it doesn't work either.
9) Omar Epps causes some kind of drama because he's the only black character on the show and although his character isn't very interesting, they try really hard to make him interesting.
10) Whatever was going on with house in #6 triggers an idea for House and he realizes that the family was lying about something.
11) House figures out what's wrong and fixes it.
12) The show ends with House alone becoming a better person.

*** That being said I will still watch the shit out of this show.

Reasons I hate Judson Laipply

1) His stupid name
2) His lack of funny
3) His lack of originality and/or funny
4) He inspired a T-mobile commercial that is neither original nor funny
5) He inspired someone to write on his youtube video "The funniest 6 minutes you will ever see" and needless to say it wasn't. Not even close
6) He makes money doing what he does (see above to understand why this is a problem)
7)Re: # 4 above, he inspired someone to write the following..."looking at this i smileed at home much cooler humans are than enything else, how often to cats all go to the station and dance like that together?"
8)See #7

Top 10 Things I Enjoyed Watching American Idol for the First Time!

1. Mia Conley. Hello, Marshall High School Pop Concert. (Concert choir!)
2. Blind dude's hottish brother's cute smile.
3. Stevie
4. Banana man's eyebrows in the background
5. Lil Rounds kids praying
6. *Wanted Dead or Alive* montage
7. I must admit I have a high-school crush on Ryan Seacrest. I can only imagine if he were around when I was 14.
8. Enjoying the "water cooler" talk
9. Poor, poor, poor, poor Michael Nicewonder. Age 20, Sandwich Maker. Serious Oedipal complex. (Jon, call me - I have screenplay ideas for this guy.)
10. Watching the 9pm local Fox news.....I had never seen it before....I got to enjoy these gems:
    

• And coming up next, the woman who was told to go the zoo for her medical diagnosis."
• "A man busted for selling his teenage daughter for beer and beef"
• "Plus: Baby Hitler taken from his parents."
• WHAT?! DMX is in jail? No, Muffinhead!!
• 

List Anything Has A Personality

I read about a site (http://www.typealyzer.com/) that will analyze a blog to give it a Myers-Briggs Type Indicator personality. I waited about 2.8 seconds after finding out that this existed to submit list anything for
consideration. Collectively, we are ESFPs.

What do you think?

Xanax

Side effects I might have experienced after taking my first Xanax:

• drowsiness
• increase in appetite aka "the munchies"

Side effects I am very grateful I did not experience after taking my first Xanax:

• hallucinations
• agitation
• feeling dizziness, light headed or fainting
• urinating less than usual or not at all
• headache, fatigue, joint pain and unusual weakness
• speech problems
• Short term memory loss and impairment of memory functions
• anterograde amnesia and concentration problem
• blurred vision, unsteadiness and clumsiness
• constipation, diarrhea, nausea and vomiting
• dry mouth or, more likely, increased salivation
• sweating
• skin inflammation
• Aggression
• Mania

Side effects I was hoping to experience when taking my first Xanax but sadly did not:

• elevated mood and confidence
• decreased inhibitions, no fear of danger (increased risk taking behavior)
• Euphoria
  

Electrician List #2: Derek's Special Tasks

Important things Derek had to do while everyone else was working on the house:

• Fly the remote control helicopter he bought Ragan for Christmas
• Lose the remote control helicopter on the roof
• Tell someone to climb on the roof to retrieve the lost remote control helicopter
• Break the remote control helicopter
• Ride the four wheeler to feed the horses
• Ride the four wheeler to feed the fish
• Ride the four wheeler to put duck decoys in the pond
• Drive into town to check out of the hotel room
  
• Drive into town to pick up Whataburger
• Scare me on the scaffolding
• Make fun of me for being somewhat-to-very tentative (so to speak) on the scaffolding
  
• Eat nachos

Electrician List #1: What People Called the Sharpies

A list of the different things people called the Sharpies we used to mark measurements, etc, over the weekend, and who said it.

• "Sharpie" - Blaine, Austen
  
• "Pen" - Ragan
• "Magic Marker" - Gary (aka Dad's best friend), Derek
  
• "Marksalot" - Dad

This is the first in a (potential) series of posts regarding our two (so far) weekends as electricians working on my parents' new house.

Inappropriate Spam Subjects I Received in My Work E-mail Account This Week

with comments....


1. Going for a big fish is easy when you have a big bait in your pants. (I dont think fish was the sexiest analogy for the sought after prize.)

2. Nothing decorates a hand better than a stylish watch. (Clearly this spammer has not seen my lady-like wrists. I'd like like the attention drawn elsewhere thank you.)

3. It will be impossible not to note the outstanding bulge inside your pants. (But not there! Am I the only guy that would be kind of embarrassed by that?)

4. You feel like a pig because your tool is not big? Get bigger tool - don't be a fool. (Aside from the mental image of pig parts, that's pretty good.)

5. She will want you right in the public bathroom on your date. (Woof - What if I dont want her in that particular location?)

Contents of My Bulletin Board at Work

Roughly clockwise, from top left:

1. Downtown Austin land use map
2. Old postcard from Memphis
3. Urban Land Institute membership card
4. USB drive
5. Necklace that broke the last time I wore it
   
6. Postcard from Duda Paine Architects
7. Austin retail map with rings showing distance from 6th & Congress
8. Downtown Austin neighborhood map
9. Capitol View Corridor map
10. First Night Austin button
11. Postcard from Duda Paine Architects
12. Clips from past Austin Museum of Art exhibits
13. "Love Your Area" postcard that I obviously kept for more than just the images, which I also happen to like
    
14. Armadillo Christmas Bazaar button
15. City of Chino button (present from Mia during the first season of The O.C.)
    
16. Art City Austin 2008 poster that I promised to, but never gave to, a fall 2008 intern
17. Specht Harpman architects postcard
18. Downtown Austin Emerging Projects map
19. DOWNTOWN Season 4 postcard
20. A weird credit card-sized promo piece from the Austin Convention & Visitors Bureau from which I can punch out some guitar picks (http://www.pikcard.com/html/PikCardPC4.htm)
21. Bottom half of Downtown Austin Public Improvement District map
22. Downtown Austin Alliance staff phone numbers
23. Mustachioed man (cut out head from a photograph found in the building, and a little present from a coworker to me this week)
24. Post-it with temporary ID and password for Hill Country Outdoors
25. Keep Austin Beautiful postcard
26. Another pikcard, and assorted coupons that I will most likely never use (except for maybe free nachos at Manuel's because they are delicious)
27. My keys
    
28. Canadian flag button
29. City of Kelowna button
30. Vancouver, B.C. button
31. More AMOA pictures
32. Phone number for the guy in charge of construction in my apartment in August
33. Note for future List (so you don't strain your eyes - "Things I've Learned From The Daily Poll")
34. "Welcome to Austin, Dave" postcard, an invitation to a reception, which is partially obstructed by my monitor, but which may be the ugliest thing I've ever seen, so I'm actually going to take it down right now
    
35. Getting Things Done workflow diagram
36. Austin Farmers' Market mural reprint

Bonus item just to the left of bulletin board:



Willie Nelson's Hire an Austin Musician poster

Things unique to Chicago that I Love

- The CTA
- The impracticality of wearing high heels
- Book Clubs (both – for very different reasons)
- My job
- Krista