Oscar Good, Oscar Bad

Oscar Good

• No Country for Old Men
• Ethan Coen's 2 acceptance speeches
  
• Jon Stewart letting Marketa Irglova finish her acceptance speech
• Jon Stewart calling Glen Hansard arrogant
• Colin Farrell and John Travolta almost falling on their asses
• George Clooney
• Jon Stewart talking shit about Norbit
• Daniel-Day Lewis winning best Actor/ George Clooney congratulating him on his way to the stage
• Gadolf Titler
  

Oscar Bad

• Juno winning best screenplay
• Golden Compass winning Visual Effects (C'mon! Transformers???)
• Diablo Cody's dress/ tattoos/ hair
• That really really really really old man accepting his old man Oscar
• Amy Ryan NOT winning best supporting actress
• The Ryan Seacrest "pre-show"
  

Shows I have seen involving aerialists in 2008 (in order of seeing them)

Habitat (by Sweet Can Productions)



Sol Niger (by Circo Zero)



Biome (by Capacitor)



Stitch (by Ricochet)

A non-comprehensive list of dance movies (that are not also musicals) subjectively ranked from best to worst according to the opinions of me.

1. Saturday Night Fever (1, 5)
2. Dirty Dancing (1, 2, 3, 4)
3. Billy Elliot (2, 3, 4, 6)
4. Breakin' (and I'll lump Electric Boogaloo in here, too, although I have a sneaking suspicion that it might not be nearly as good as I remember) (2)
5. Bring It On (1, 3, 5, 6)
6. You Got Served (1, 3, 5)
7. Shall We Dance (Japanese version) (3, 4)
8. Take the Lead (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
9. Drumline (5)
10. Stomp the Yard (2, 3, 5)
11. Fame (1, 3, 6)
12. Footloose (1, 4)
13. Girls Just Want to Have Fun (1, 2, 4, 5)
14. Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
15. Honey (3)
16. Coyote Ugly
17. Flashdance (3)
18. Save the Last Dance (1, 2, 3)
19. How She Move (1, 3, 4, 5)
20. Step Up (1, 2, 3)
21. Bring It On: All or Nothing (1, 5)
    

(1) Features high school kids
(2) Merges two or more dance styles, thereby creating an uber-style that breaks everything wide open
(3) Highlights class issues
(4) People are dancing, but it's forbidden
(5) omg, dance competition!
(6) Features dancing while gay

How I Know I'm a Good Person

• When crossing the street, if a rock or piece of broken glass is within my reach, I will give at least one attempt to kick it to the side.
• When a cab driver takes the long way to my chosen destination I never argue or complain because he or she's a professional and I don't want to make him or her feel bad.
• I give bonuses to my employees whenever I get the chance even though it's not my money and doesn't really affect me in any way.
• I don't tell people who aren't my good friends that they have bad breath, because that's just rude (this also applies to food in teeth).
• I tell homeless people that "I'm all plastic tonight" so they trust me that I don't have any spare change even if I'm lying. Besides, by giving them money I'm not helping them, I'm hurting them.
• When I ordered the shrimp enchiladas at El Chile and the new waitress brought me chicken tacos, I just ate them. I know how difficult it can be to wait tables having been a waiter myself (for two weeks).
  
• I will always give a cigarette to the warehouse district yuppies who "don't smoke" except when they drink.
• I never make fun of people who are bigger than I am.
• Whenever I witness someone falling on their ass, I wait until I know they weren't seriously injured before laughing out loud.
  

This week's annoyances (so far)

Sunday - Getting an awful haircut.
Monday - Awkward mens room conversation with boss. Twice.
Tuesday - Chipping my front tooth Lloyd Chrstmas-style.
Wednesday - Obligatory co-worker house party.
Thursday - Red shirts everywhere. How festive!
Friday - Being surrounded at my desk and having to sit through a 3min 41sec unfunny youtube clip.

List my brother made that I found on the floor

1. S&S Pork (scratched out)
2. Special Lo Mein
3. Chicken with Garlic Sauce
4. 2 Egg Roll
5. Crab Puff

I didn't read this list before I started this post, I just found what looked like a list and thought it might be interesting. It turns out my brother and sister were hung over on Saturday and ordered Ming's. I am assuming they were hungover because who needs a list to order take-out for two?

How I know I’m old/lame

- I skip concerts due to the weather
- I can drink 10 beers and still be sober enough to chat with Mom
- I get pissed at my boyfriend for buying a new TV because I think he should put the money towards retirement (our time to accumulate funds is dwindling)
- Numerous people in my life have either quit drinking (for good) or are in AA
- I’ve made an actual list (not merely a mental list) of things I want to do before I die
- My ex-husband is causing problems
- I really want to be on a jury
- I’m actually contemplating having a baby
- I’m figuratively retired

My Favorite Seinfeld Moments

12) George and Jerry try to have a secret conversation in front of Marlee Matlin and come up with different ways to cover their mouths while they talk.
11) Kramer (pilot episode) is eating a roast beef sandwich while flipping through one of Jerry's magazines and starts tearing out an ad he likes. When Jerry catches him he licks the page and tries to stick it back in. So gross.
10) George asks Jerry to stop being so funny so he can impress his girlfriend and Jerry becomes really morose.
9) Jerry tells George (after trying the roommate switch by asking for a menage a trois) that she was "into it". George's response..."Do you ever get down on your knees and thank God that you know me and have access to my brain?"
8) Kramer meets George's girlfriend and tells her that she's just as pretty as any of those supermodels, she just needs a nose job.
7) George cheats on his IQ test by having Elaine take it for him and Jerry yells at him out the window. "Hey Georgie! How did you do on the IQ test?" and his response..."85!"
6) Jerry explains to the woman working at the rental car counter "you know how to TAKE a reservation, you just don't know how to HOLD a reservation. And that's really the most important part. The HOLDING. Anyone can take a reservation (pretends to write in the air)."
5) George gets fired for having sex with the cleaning lady on the desk in his office. His response: "Was that wrong?"
4) George and Jerry pretend they haven't seen each other since High School (so they can prove he didn't cheat in a race) and George says: "I guess I started losing my hair around the time I made my first million." Jerry's girlfriend asks what he does. "I'm an architect". Then she asks if he'd done anything she may know. "Have you seen the new addition to the Guggenheim?" Impressed, she asks "You did THAT?" *my favorite part* "Yep. Really didn't take me that long either."
3) Elaine is at a party and stuck listening to this awful woman complaining about how she lost her fiance, the poor baby. Elaine looks at her with disgust and says in an Australian accent..."Maybe the dingo ate your baby!"
2) George tells the story about how he was pretending to be a Marine Biologist when he stumbled upon a beached Whale and saw that something was obstructing his breathing. He reached in and pulled out the obstruction. *reveals a golf ball which Kramer hit into the ocean earlier that day. Kramer's response: "A hole in one."
1) George decides to do the opposite of every natural impulse and approaches a woman in the coffee shop who was looking at him because he just ordered the same exact meal as her. "I'm George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents."

Google searches I have made this week.

• yoga kitty
• westminster dog show*
• kashmir shaivism
• yixing teapot
• fancy broccoli*
• romanesco broccoli*
• “tarot suit” + finance
• why is my cat licking me
  

* denotes image search

Things I Have Noticed About List Formats

• I like these diamond bullets, because, well, you know.
  
• Karen numbers lists from 1 to 10, because she is an accountant.
  
• Jon and DJ number lists from 10 to 1, because they think they are David Letterman
• Julie and Alana number things appropriately, based on the intent of their posts. So if it is a countdown, they go 10 to 1. And if it a simple list, they will go 1 to 5, or use dashes. Because - of course they would.
• Derek does not post, because he is only good at adding on to other people's lists.
  
• Austen does not post, because he is the GPU30, a German robot sent from the future.
  

Ways I can tell you and I are fundamentally different sorts of people

• If you list *jeans day* as a perq at your job
  
• If you use your hand to block a closing elevator door and there are people already on the elevator
• If you like Garfield more than Snoopy
• If you think the movie *Starship Troopers* is "bad" or "stupid", as opposed to "fucking brilliant"
  
• If you don't listen to the lyrics
• If you tip less than 20% on a regular basis
• If you use the word utilize
• If you don't like the ending of *No Country for Old Men*

And it's OK to be different, I'm just pointing some things out.

Life Lessons I Learned From Playing Poker (and only after drinking a bottle of wine)

10) Very rarely is something worth putting everything on the line, but when it pays off, it really pays off. And you have to know the right moment to do so.
9) No matter how much you think you know about other people, you don't.
8) Often times more than not, it's worth sacrificing a small amount pain to find out a lot of information.
7) When you take a bad beat, don't complain. Somewhere, someone has it a lot worse than you do.
6) Sometimes you may find that you play better under the influence, but if you happen to be lucky enough to get away with it, you will quickly discover that it was just that -- luck.
5) There is definitely such a thing as a streak. Winning and losing. And while all good things come to an end, so do all bad things.
4) You can't win if you don't play.
3) If you don't have faith in yourself, you won't succeed.
2) While there is a huge difference between luck and skill, there isn't that much difference between skill and effort.
1) *direct quote from Rounders* "If you can't spot the sucker at your first half hour at the table, then you ARE the sucker.

things i hate about IM

As a general rule I am a big fan of the IM. How else to you do things like make fun of people, plan lunch and happy hours in the office. However, people have been making me angry on it today so I thought I would soothe my anger with a list. It is much better than banging on my computer.

1. my boss typing "hey" and then when i respond "yes" he doesn't reply agin for hours
2. people who type YEAH! for YAY! (copyright P.Jenkins - he brought this to my attention and now i notice it all of the time)
3. LOL - can't you just say "that is funny?" it is so overused that i never believe anyone is ever actually lauging out loud.
4. punctuation smiley faces e.g. :) and the really clever ;)

I think #1 is really what I hate...the other things are just annoying.

JSYK my boss is director who also thinks he is cool from my saturday work attire post, and he does everything on this list all of the time.

also the spell check on this thing does not work, so please ignore all of my errors.

Sunday Sets

These are groups of people and things I encountered today.

1. Fifty boys and men of all ages at the BMX bike park as I walked past. Lots of air.
2. Six men on stage at the Mean Eyed Cat.
3. Four big dogs being walked by one person.
4. Countless ugly dresses at Macy's.
   
5. Twelve hipsters in studded belts zipping down West Avenue on motor scooters.

things men wear to work on saturday

Working in public accounting means going to the office on Saturday. Seeing what people wear on the weekends - especially men is awesome. I have decided not to name names. For those of you who work at the big accounting firm, you can probably guess who all of these people are

single associate (age 24) - grey Polo (tm) shirt, trendy jeans, flip flops

married associate (age 24) - grey Chaps (tm) polo shirt, cargo jeans, boots

suburban dad trying to make manager (age 40ish)- red flannel plaid shirt (think lumberjack), jeans, brown dress shoes

Director who thinks he is cool (age 32-35) - dark brown cargo shorts, trendy black polo with funny white stiching, white pumas with velcro, yellow abercrombie baseball cap

Director who also thinks he is cool (age 37-39) - charcoal grey wool sweater, trendy jeans, black "going out shoes," black leather jacket (i just saw him leave the office)

Director who does not care if he is cool (age 35ish) - navy nike mock turtleneck golf shirt made of some technologically advanced fabric (think tiger woods) tucked into jeans, brown leather belt, topsiders

Tax Partner (age 45) - red golf shirt with country club logo, tucked into "dad jeans", with shiney brown belt and gold buckle, very new baseball cap from a golf tournament, topsiders

Audit Partner (age 50) - button down shirt fresh from cleaners tucked into dark dark blue "dad jeans," "casual belt," loafers - no socks


p.s. every girl i have seen is wearing a t-shirt and jeans, but in all fairness none of the really terrible dressers are here on saturday bc they work part-time

My Mother's Proudest Moments Caused By Me

I seriously have zero idea how to say that any better.
In chronological order, and in order of importance.

4. When I spent hours outside jumping rope, until I could finally jump ten times without missing.
3. When I won scholarships to college.
2. When I started drinking coffee.
1. When I started drinking coffee black.

My Favorite Women in the Hotel Bar Tonight

1. Dead ringer for Dianne Weist in a top that looked a zebra ate a Monet painting and then vomited.
2. A woman I couldn't see but when she laughed sounded like Edith Bunker being circumcised.
3. Wide load in a gold lame top and a black skirt that looked like a lampshade from Bearden's (fancy and matching gold lasso-French trim on the bottom, for those of you unfamiliar with the Bearden's style). [She gets bonus points for singing "Bad Boys" out loud. In the bar. To Paul Giamatti with blond hair. (By the way, he wins favorite man. Paul Giamatti with blond hair looks a lot like Steve Zahn gone retarded insurance-man style.)]
4. Anthony Michael Hall in drag, complete with Breakfast-Club-hair and black cocktail dress and NAMETAG (I love conventions) trilling Speedy-Gonzalez-style while she delivered her vodkafruitini to her friend.
   
5. This woman (Anthony Keidis in drag) I had relegated to honorable mention until she stepped on the elevator with me along with her friend (Ricki Lake, in a baby crib bedspread) and held the following exchange:

• AK: "Was this hotel here when I lived here?"
• RL: "Don't know blah blah drunk."
• AK: "Well, all I know is, Pete's Piano Bar was here."
• AK & RL: (Getting off elevator) "Drunken blah blah blah"

This post brought to you by the Blackberry Curve (TM) and its incredible facilitating of note-taking in public places.

List Challenge!

CNBC is reporting that a deal has been reached to end the writer's strike. According to Michael Eisner, "It's over. They made a deal. They shook hands on the deal." (note - for the sake of the blog, I ask that you ignore the fact that Michael Eisner is a studio has-been who now divides his time between guest hosting Charlie Rose and managing Topps Co., the well-known bubble gum and collectibles firm. Let's assume that he is still in-the-know)

Well Listers, what are the top 5 reasons this deal is the best news ever?

Best three Bollywood music videos.

An ever-changing list.

Well, except that #1 will always be #1.


#3. 80s-Style Bollywood, featuring weird animal heads and stork-like dancing!


via videosift.com

#2. Bollywood version of Roy Orbison’s Pretty Woman, featuring breakdancing in front of an American flag, Bolly-rap, and a gospel choir!




#1. Ganpat! Featuring a Bollywood-style Patrick Swayze and some white girls on a bus!

Things I Used To Know

1. The entire Periodic Table of the Elements
2. All the words to "They're Coming to Take Me Away"
3. The Nestle Tollhouse chocolate chip cookie recipe
4. U.S. Presidents in order
5. How to crochet a chain stitch
6. The number of electoral college votes for each state
   

Business Trips

Some things I like:

• At the Westin, if you miss your wake-up call, they will send someone up to your room to knock on the door. Sometimes, they even come inside. Now that's a snooze button.
  
• Valets. They are so ... vibrant.
  
• One-cup coffee makers. No waiting around for the stuff you are going to waste anyway.
• Newspapers. (I never read them.)
  

Some things I hate:

• Elevators. Up or down.
  
• Valet parking. Please stop hovering & just let me get my stuff. Go back over there where I can just see you (see above).
  
• Room service. Convenient, but bad for the stomach. And sometimes confusing. I once ate a bowl of Heinz 57.
  
• The fucking inoperable alarm clocks.
  

Back to work now. I love business trips!

Why Will Ferrell Will Never Not Be Funny

5. He's the only funny Bush impersonator ever


4. He makes even Texas fans want to root for USC


3. Without question the best commercial during the most boring football game ever


2. This one just speaks for itself


1. What is this? I mean, seriously, nobody else could make this so funny

quote of the day, from Pushing Daisies

""On the list of things I'd like, cuddling a monkey and going to Medieval Times are right next to constipation and diphtheria."

What I'm might give up for Lent

In order of likelihood

5. Alcoh...nevermind
4. Smoking - my perpetual Lenten sacrifice. Five years strong. Twice I have ended up quitting for nearly a year. Given response #5, doubtful.
3. Lying to homeless people about the contents of my wallet - starting to feel guilty about this one, and I think the ones I always see at the bar are on to me.
2. Eating in between meals - I realize it's probably for vanity purposes, not penance, but summer will be here before I know it.
1. Nothing

5 Reasons Why This Is the Best Idea I Ever Had

1. I never wanted to go to Mardi Gras before. Now I do. A lot.
   
2. If Jon ever gets fired from Waterloo, his resume is at the ready.
3. That country ballet spectacular.
   
4. I inadvertently named it after a Lili Taylor movie.
   
5. Cranial Sacral and Rolfing.
   

Types of Bodywork (or Energy Work) I have received.

In descending order of frequency.

- Deep Tissue Massage
- Polarity Therapy
- Acupuncture
- Reiki
- Cranial Sacral
- Chiropractic
- Shiatsu
- Rosen Method
- Swedish Massage
- Somatic Psychotherapy
- Aromatherapy Massage
- Thai Yoga Massage
- Rolfing
- Lomi-Lomi
- Hot Stone Massage

Things I Learned From TMZ Tonight

5. Britney is crazy but everyone around her is even crazier.
4. Brad Pitt is a baby and resents Tom Cruise for getting the Dukati before he did and now won't let Denzel or M.J. get one until he does.
3. Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel can get into restaurants without reservations (and they both voted for Obama).
2. Dan Aykroyd gave reasonable explanations to TMZ reporters as to why Obama or Hilary may win the election (and they called him out for "flip-flopping")
1. I could have spent my time burning ants with a magnifying glass and felt better about myself.

Why I'm Homesick Today

Happy Mardi Gras everyone! Now that I'm in the working world and living in Houston, this is the first Mardi Gras I've missed in 8 years. It seems unnatural to be working today, and I'm taking it pretty hard. Below are the top 5 reasons why I wish I were home.

5. Can't even go to Spanish Town - If I were unlucky enough to be in Baton Rouge for Mardi Gras, this parade was the place to be. An oasis of irreverence in the desert of prudishness that is Baton Rouge. When their signature pink flamingos start popping up in University Lake, you know its Mardi Gras season. Best alternative now…Galveston :(

4. Watching co-workers enjoy a supermarket king cake - King cake should only be made by people with mafia-sounding last names - Randazzo's, Bernardo's, Gambino's, etc. That Kroger pastry sitting on your secretary's desk and trying to pass itself off as king cake is crap.

3. No Rex to make me feel better about myself - The big daddy of parades. The King of Carnival. I love the spectacle of it all. Makes your fun/drunkard/embarrassing/fuzzy/regrettable weekend seem sort of culturally significant. The just-passed fun/drunkard/embarrassing/fuzzy/regrettable weekend was just useless.

2. No Plastic Cups - Beads are fine and all, but nothing beats parade cups. Practicality meets sentimentality. I save them all. Now I have nothing. It'll be like 2008 never even happened.

1. I Missed Muses - Easily the most fun parade. It rides Uptown on Thursday night so crowds aren't as bad as Endymion and Bacchus. It has good bands, great throws, and a stream of floats that doesn’t go on forever. It's an all female krewe made up of local doctor/lawyer types with a biting sense of humor. The theme is usually political and they pull no punches on the powers that be. In the past year we've had a presidential race, D.A. Jordan fired, Congressman Jefferson indicted, Senator Vitter caught with a hooker and Mayor Nagin (period). Probably was the best Muses yet.

Reasons I Hate Austen

10. He's too cool to contribute to this or any blog
9. He calls me to "chat"
8. He looks better in my jacket than I do
7. He corrects every pronunciation of every word I speak even if it's correct the first time
6. He falls asleep in movies
5. He has a car
4. He finally got a college degree only to work at W.A.Y.A.
3. He can't tell the difference between Blu-Ray and DVD
2. He constantly complains about my smoking and then lights up five minutes later
1. He won't even read this for a few weeks

Supporting Actress Oscar Nominee Snubs, 2007 version

my first of many Oscar lists I am sure...

1. Samantha Morton - Control
2. Kelly Macdonald - No Country for Old Men
3. Emmanuelle Seigner - The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
4. Jennifer Garner - Juno
5. Catherine Keener - Into the Wild
6. Joan Allen - The Bourne Identity
7. Emily Mortimer - Lars and the Real Girl
8. Charlotte Gainsbourg - I'm Not There
9. Jennifer Jason Leigh - Margot at the Wedding
10. Helen Mirren - (for keeping her shit together in) National Treasure 2

That (sadly) leaves the following on the alternate shelf: Michelle Pfeiffer, Imelda Staunton, Zoe Bell (yes, Jon, I was that impressed), Leslie Mann, Allison Janney

Considering the five that did get nominated, I have to say it was a pretty good year for my favorite category.

p.s. Nerd.

Reasons I'm Glad I Watched the Miss America Pageant

4. Watching 8 beauty queens join former Marine, Miss Utah, as she dropped to the floor for push-ups when she was cut from the top 16 (yes, 16. don't ask)

3. Listening to the contestants introduce themselves in ways they thought were cute or clever. Like Miss Mississippi? Who said, in her deeply non-Southern newscaster voice, that she was from "M-I-crooked letter-crooked letter-I-crooked letter-crooked letter-I-humpback-humpback-I."

2. Being the only person on our trivia team who knew that Miss Michigan won (that was one question out of 60 for me).

1. Watching Miss Texas dance "jazz en pointe"(!) to "Rich Man's Frug" from Sweet Charity (aka The Aloof). It made me cringe and laugh at the same time. I can't find it on YouTube, but here is more of her genius in action.

Video Stores I Have Worked

1. Latest & Greatest Video (Houston 1989 - 6 months)
2. Blockbuster Video (Houston 1990 - 1992)
3. Home Video Plus Music (Austin 1992 - 1993)
4. Blockbuster Video (Austin 1993 - 1996)
5. Video One (Rutland 1996 - 1997)
6. Movie Place (New York 1998 - 2000)
7. Kim's Video (New York 2000 - two weeks)
8. Movie Place (New York 2000 - 2001)
9. FYE (Enfield 2001 - 4 months)
10. Waterloo Video (2004 - present day)

Quote of the Day

"If it ain't, it'll do till the mess gets here."

Top 10 Coolest Movies Ever Made

1. Fight Club
2. Rounders
3. Bullitt
4. Get Carter
5. The Matrix
6. Seven
7. Jackie Brown
8. Point Blank
9. Long Kiss Goodnight
10. Lethal Weapon

Happy Birthday, Boxcar! (or: my inaugural list)

Things I did for Boxcar's birthday.

1. Performed "Without Me" on karaoke
2. Bought some drinks
3. Went to Band of Horses show
   
4. Finished his Ms. Pacman game (I still beat him)
5. Started this blog
6. Selected "Rounders 3" as the theme because he thinks "Rounders" is so cool
7. Thought about buying something but got nothing
8. I think I will start that other blog too.
   
9. Since I want this list to be 10 things I will also say, drove to Austin
   
10. Well, this is sad. I don't have 10. I guess this one can be an IOU.
    

inaugural quote

"Tell that stupid Mick he just made my list of things to do today."
- Max Fischer