10. Got Money by Lil Wayne
“I need a Winn-Dixie grocery bag full of money.” Yes. We all do Mr. Wayne.
9. Can’t Tell Me Nothing by Kanye West
Maybe this song helps you escape into the egomaniacal fantasy land of Kanye West. Or maybe it’s a message about living beyond your means. Either way - make sure you look really indignant when listening to this on your morning commute.
8. Every song by Rage Against The Machine
F******************CK EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
7. She Works Hard For The Money by Donna Summer
Do you think it’s easy giving thirty to forty hand jobs a day??? You better treat me right!
6. Every song by Jewel
She lived out of her car you guys. She KNOWS what we’re going through.
5. Man In The Mirror by Michael Jackson
Self-explanatory.
4. My Heart Will Go On (Love Theme from Titanic) by Celine Dion
You’re stranded on a piece of debris in the middle of the icy waters…and you’re hanging on to your 401(k). Your 401(k) says to you, “Puh-puh-puh-puh-lease…n-n-n-n-never let g-g-go…,” and then, you realize, your 401(k) has died. BUT YOUR HEART WILL GO ON!...stupid, utterly stupid
3. Mo’ Money Mo’ Problems by Notorious B.I.G.
IF Mo Money = Mo Problems, THEN, No Money = No Problems. You’re welcome. They don’t call me Ronald “Good Will Hunting” Rucker for nothin’.
2. Chariots Of Fire Theme by Vangelis
Investing in the stock market is a marathon - not a sprint. Remember that.
1. My Little Buttercup by The Three Amigos
Because there’s never a time when this song ISN’T helpful. Though playing this on loop while drinking alone staring at a loaded pistol is not advisable.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Facebook Status Updates
I see there is a post in "draft" titled "Boring Facebook Wall Posts." This reminded me of the day following the election where all of my redneck East Texas friends chose to voice their opinions through their Facebook status.
Enjoy
-is planning his move to Costa Rica!
-is convinced that a major mistake has been made with such a tragic victory.
-is hoping all those young bucks who "got out and voted" will pay attention in the next four years. You'll get a lesson in liberal economics.
-is very sad for our country. And I hope everyone prays that God can help us through this.
-what is America Thinking!
-can't believe we found a bigger turd than Clinton.
-is very scared for the next 4 years to come.
---me too hon :(
----we are too. Let's just hope we are all alive to vote again in 4 years.
-can't believe we found the scum of the earth to be leader of the free world, but at least I can say I told you so..
-is still hoping that this is just a nightmare that she'll wake up from....
-is speechless and is def clinging.....
-is thinking that maybe now is a good time to move to the UAE.
-is God help us all....
-is worried about our country...scary times ahead!
---ME too Stacey, just pray!
-is sick to his stomach.. thanks to all of you who participated in this protest election.. also wondering what property values in Mexico look like after this.
-bets Lee Greenwood is not pleased today.
-is thinking that America's screwed. Guess we will have Obama to thank when our country has gone to shit....
-is packing up her family and moving to another country! I sure hope America knows what they are doing!
---i'm ready to go too!! :sigh: we are in for some sad times ahead!
----We are in for some scary times. I hope and pray for our kiddos that we will be safe and we'll be allowed to keep enough of our hard earned money to get them educated.
-loves my money, religion and guns....
-is pro life, guns, the American Flag, and troops in Iraq.
-is hoping America is smart enough to not elect an East African Muslim Terrorist loving, American Hating, Unqualified, Racist as the leader of our country!
-I guess I should go buy a gun today before I'm no longer able to! I hate politics!!
---oh i know..im tired of all this "hope" stuff...when these people get off their obama high and realize what he's really about i'll be there to say "i told you so". america was not meant to be a socialist nation. uhh...talk about frustrating.
Enjoy
-is planning his move to Costa Rica!
-is convinced that a major mistake has been made with such a tragic victory.
-is hoping all those young bucks who "got out and voted" will pay attention in the next four years. You'll get a lesson in liberal economics.
-is very sad for our country. And I hope everyone prays that God can help us through this.
-what is America Thinking!
-can't believe we found a bigger turd than Clinton.
-is very scared for the next 4 years to come.
---me too hon :(
----we are too. Let's just hope we are all alive to vote again in 4 years.
-can't believe we found the scum of the earth to be leader of the free world, but at least I can say I told you so..
-is still hoping that this is just a nightmare that she'll wake up from....
-is speechless and is def clinging.....
-is thinking that maybe now is a good time to move to the UAE.
-is God help us all....
-is worried about our country...scary times ahead!
---ME too Stacey, just pray!
-is sick to his stomach.. thanks to all of you who participated in this protest election.. also wondering what property values in Mexico look like after this.
-bets Lee Greenwood is not pleased today.
-is thinking that America's screwed. Guess we will have Obama to thank when our country has gone to shit....
-is packing up her family and moving to another country! I sure hope America knows what they are doing!
---i'm ready to go too!! :sigh: we are in for some sad times ahead!
----We are in for some scary times. I hope and pray for our kiddos that we will be safe and we'll be allowed to keep enough of our hard earned money to get them educated.
-loves my money, religion and guns....
-is pro life, guns, the American Flag, and troops in Iraq.
-is hoping America is smart enough to not elect an East African Muslim Terrorist loving, American Hating, Unqualified, Racist as the leader of our country!
-I guess I should go buy a gun today before I'm no longer able to! I hate politics!!
---oh i know..im tired of all this "hope" stuff...when these people get off their obama high and realize what he's really about i'll be there to say "i told you so". america was not meant to be a socialist nation. uhh...talk about frustrating.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Gutless Oscar Predictions
Best Picture: Slumdog Millionaire
Best Actor: Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler
Best Actress: Kate Winslet, The Reader
Best Supporting Actor: Heath Ledger, The Dark Knight
Best Supporting Actress: Penelope Cruz, Vicky Cristina Barcelona
Director: Danny Boyle, Slumdog Millionaire
Adapted Screenplay: Slumdog Millionaire
Original Screenplay: Milk
Animated Feature: WALL-E
Foreign Language Film: Waltz With Bashir
Art Direction: The Dark Knight
Cinematography: Slumdog Millionaire
Original Score: Slumdog Millionaire
Original Song: Slumdog Millionaire
Costumes: Benjamin Button
Editing: Slumdog Millionaire
Makeup: The Dark Knight
Visual Effects: Benjamin Button
Sound Mixing: Slumdog Millionaire
Sound Editing: Slumdog Millionaire
Animated Short: La Maison en Petits Cubes
Documentary Short: The Conscience of Nhem En
Documentary Feature: Man on Wire
Live Action Short: Spielzeugland
Best Actor: Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler
Best Actress: Kate Winslet, The Reader
Best Supporting Actor: Heath Ledger, The Dark Knight
Best Supporting Actress: Penelope Cruz, Vicky Cristina Barcelona
Director: Danny Boyle, Slumdog Millionaire
Adapted Screenplay: Slumdog Millionaire
Original Screenplay: Milk
Animated Feature: WALL-E
Foreign Language Film: Waltz With Bashir
Art Direction: The Dark Knight
Cinematography: Slumdog Millionaire
Original Score: Slumdog Millionaire
Original Song: Slumdog Millionaire
Costumes: Benjamin Button
Editing: Slumdog Millionaire
Makeup: The Dark Knight
Visual Effects: Benjamin Button
Sound Mixing: Slumdog Millionaire
Sound Editing: Slumdog Millionaire
Animated Short: La Maison en Petits Cubes
Documentary Short: The Conscience of Nhem En
Documentary Feature: Man on Wire
Live Action Short: Spielzeugland
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Yet Another "Best of" List...Get Over it
The Soaps
5. Entourage. You know, as much as I talk about Entourage, I don’t truly consider it one of my “favorite” shows. It’s a good show, but I mostly make it a point to watch every week just to have something to follow — it’s not unlike the one character in Slaughterhouse Five who takes a sh*t at the same time every day just so he has something he can control that the Germans can never take away from him. (Flawless analogy? Check.)
4. South Park. Hits some weeks, misses some other weeks, but it’s always worth watching for that reason. It’s also remained fiercely topical and one of the few legit sources of satire outside Colbert and The Daily Show, and nearly every episode contains at least one moment that simply won’t give up until you relent into giddy laughter.
3. Saturday Night Live. If ever a show in 2008 brought me back to my middle school days, it was SNL. Little does this show realize it had the pleasure of spending many a Saturday night live with me (yes, ME!) in my bedroom, knee socks stretched to their limits, sorbet spoon firmly placed in mouth, as I waited to see how Sarah Palin was to be lampooned by the deservedly praise-lavished Tina Fey, not to mention brilliant performances by Kristen Wiig ("Surprise Party" is a gem) and my personal favorite Fred Armisen. We were also lucky enough to see some dramatic actors push their comedic limit (Jon Hamm comes to mind), and that you should never, ever let a swimmer host the show again, no matter how many medals he has, because he probably can’t read. (Mark Spitz is so mad at me right now.)
2. Lost. Season 4 was the best Lost season yet. There aren’t any word combinations in the English language that haven’t been said about this show already, so I see no need to explain this inclusion further.
1. Mad Men. I initially groaned at the prospects of having yet another series to catch up on and more spoilers to avoid, but two iTunes purchases and one lengthy breakup later, I finally became privy to the current best show on television. It’s got the Sopranos' sense of humor and moral bankruptcy mixed with an eerily convincing 60s aesthetic, terrific characters, and more smoke than Good Night and Good Luck and Backdraft combined. Here’s hoping for a long, Sopranos-like stay on television too, only minus the 3-year gaps.
The Flicks
5. In Bruges. McDonaugh is a master of the dark comedy, and I don’t mean “dark comedy” as “buzzphrase for unfunny mean-spirited crap like Very Bad Things,” but more along the lines of “laugh-out-loud irreverence and also people get shot.” This movie not only proved that it’s possible to laugh with Colin Farrell, but also guaranteed that my next vacation will be to the city of Bruges — no city has been portrayed more breathtakingly in any film I can recall (aside from Manhattan in the movie Highlander, of course). A semi-cheesy twist in the final minutes knocked this film from “A” to “A-” territory, but it’s still a perfect Netflixer.
4. Burn After Reading. I can’t remember the last time I came out of a movie saying “you know, I don’t think I’ve ever seen another film quite like that,” without promptly adding “what a load of pretentious artsy sh*tf*ck.” (SIC) I spent the entire first sixty minutes of Burn After Reading trying to figure out why the hell I was watching it and what any one thing had to to with any other thing, and then somehow, I left the theater feeling wholly and completely satisfied. I realize this description makes no sense if you haven’t seen the movie, so I’ll just end with, “More like, Love After Seeing!” Is it too late to get that quote on a one sheet?
3. Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Every Woody Allen movie hits way too close to home, even magical European fairy tales about wealthy, beautiful artists; surely more than a few audience members gulped with personal recognition when Scarlett Johansson’s character was described as “someone who doesn’t know what she wants, only what she doesn’t want,” or when Javier Bardem uttered the axiom “only unfulfilled love can be romantic.” Personally, I related to the threesome with ScarJo and Penelope Cruz, because trust me, that is exactly what it’s like.
2. Man On Wire. I’m an automatic sucker for just about any documentary, but this story of French tightrope walker Philippe Petit’s illegal 1974 high-wire performance between the Twin Towers was a life-affirming celebration of everything awesome, including a convincing definition of “art” as unselfconscious, inexplicable beauty. Plus every quote from the absurd, lovably-European Petit is hilarious; if you’re a fan of Billy Mitchell from last year's The King of Kong this is now your favorite movie. Hell, it probably will be anyway.
1b. Slumdog Millionaire. Before you even say anything, allow me to explain: I realize all the problems with this movie. It’s heavy-handed. Manipulative. Completely unbelievable and almost a touch too shmaltzy. The leads had very little chemistry. Blah blah blah GUESS WHAT? I LIKED IT ANYWAY, OK? Yeah, that’s right! I liked the use of a Game Show to move the plot along. Mmmhmm! You know what else? I felt BAD for Jamal! With my human, beating heart, I did! I loved this movie! So take your high-brow ass out of my FACE before I get angry!
1a. The Dark Knight. Not much to say about this movie that hasn’t been said already. And if this is too obvious of a #1 selection for you, then flip-flop it with Man On Wire and suddenly behold my unique and insightful movie list!
Honorable Mentions: Wall-E, Iron Man, Tropic Thunder, There Will Be Blood (IT. WAS. THAT. GOOD.).
Biggest Disappointments: Australia, Pineapple Express, Baby Mama, Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Where Knowledge Was Their Treasure.
5. Entourage. You know, as much as I talk about Entourage, I don’t truly consider it one of my “favorite” shows. It’s a good show, but I mostly make it a point to watch every week just to have something to follow — it’s not unlike the one character in Slaughterhouse Five who takes a sh*t at the same time every day just so he has something he can control that the Germans can never take away from him. (Flawless analogy? Check.)
4. South Park. Hits some weeks, misses some other weeks, but it’s always worth watching for that reason. It’s also remained fiercely topical and one of the few legit sources of satire outside Colbert and The Daily Show, and nearly every episode contains at least one moment that simply won’t give up until you relent into giddy laughter.
3. Saturday Night Live. If ever a show in 2008 brought me back to my middle school days, it was SNL. Little does this show realize it had the pleasure of spending many a Saturday night live with me (yes, ME!) in my bedroom, knee socks stretched to their limits, sorbet spoon firmly placed in mouth, as I waited to see how Sarah Palin was to be lampooned by the deservedly praise-lavished Tina Fey, not to mention brilliant performances by Kristen Wiig ("Surprise Party" is a gem) and my personal favorite Fred Armisen. We were also lucky enough to see some dramatic actors push their comedic limit (Jon Hamm comes to mind), and that you should never, ever let a swimmer host the show again, no matter how many medals he has, because he probably can’t read. (Mark Spitz is so mad at me right now.)
2. Lost. Season 4 was the best Lost season yet. There aren’t any word combinations in the English language that haven’t been said about this show already, so I see no need to explain this inclusion further.
1. Mad Men. I initially groaned at the prospects of having yet another series to catch up on and more spoilers to avoid, but two iTunes purchases and one lengthy breakup later, I finally became privy to the current best show on television. It’s got the Sopranos' sense of humor and moral bankruptcy mixed with an eerily convincing 60s aesthetic, terrific characters, and more smoke than Good Night and Good Luck and Backdraft combined. Here’s hoping for a long, Sopranos-like stay on television too, only minus the 3-year gaps.
The Flicks
5. In Bruges. McDonaugh is a master of the dark comedy, and I don’t mean “dark comedy” as “buzzphrase for unfunny mean-spirited crap like Very Bad Things,” but more along the lines of “laugh-out-loud irreverence and also people get shot.” This movie not only proved that it’s possible to laugh with Colin Farrell, but also guaranteed that my next vacation will be to the city of Bruges — no city has been portrayed more breathtakingly in any film I can recall (aside from Manhattan in the movie Highlander, of course). A semi-cheesy twist in the final minutes knocked this film from “A” to “A-” territory, but it’s still a perfect Netflixer.
4. Burn After Reading. I can’t remember the last time I came out of a movie saying “you know, I don’t think I’ve ever seen another film quite like that,” without promptly adding “what a load of pretentious artsy sh*tf*ck.” (SIC) I spent the entire first sixty minutes of Burn After Reading trying to figure out why the hell I was watching it and what any one thing had to to with any other thing, and then somehow, I left the theater feeling wholly and completely satisfied. I realize this description makes no sense if you haven’t seen the movie, so I’ll just end with, “More like, Love After Seeing!” Is it too late to get that quote on a one sheet?
3. Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Every Woody Allen movie hits way too close to home, even magical European fairy tales about wealthy, beautiful artists; surely more than a few audience members gulped with personal recognition when Scarlett Johansson’s character was described as “someone who doesn’t know what she wants, only what she doesn’t want,” or when Javier Bardem uttered the axiom “only unfulfilled love can be romantic.” Personally, I related to the threesome with ScarJo and Penelope Cruz, because trust me, that is exactly what it’s like.
2. Man On Wire. I’m an automatic sucker for just about any documentary, but this story of French tightrope walker Philippe Petit’s illegal 1974 high-wire performance between the Twin Towers was a life-affirming celebration of everything awesome, including a convincing definition of “art” as unselfconscious, inexplicable beauty. Plus every quote from the absurd, lovably-European Petit is hilarious; if you’re a fan of Billy Mitchell from last year's The King of Kong this is now your favorite movie. Hell, it probably will be anyway.
1b. Slumdog Millionaire. Before you even say anything, allow me to explain: I realize all the problems with this movie. It’s heavy-handed. Manipulative. Completely unbelievable and almost a touch too shmaltzy. The leads had very little chemistry. Blah blah blah GUESS WHAT? I LIKED IT ANYWAY, OK? Yeah, that’s right! I liked the use of a Game Show to move the plot along. Mmmhmm! You know what else? I felt BAD for Jamal! With my human, beating heart, I did! I loved this movie! So take your high-brow ass out of my FACE before I get angry!
1a. The Dark Knight. Not much to say about this movie that hasn’t been said already. And if this is too obvious of a #1 selection for you, then flip-flop it with Man On Wire and suddenly behold my unique and insightful movie list!
Honorable Mentions: Wall-E, Iron Man, Tropic Thunder, There Will Be Blood (IT. WAS. THAT. GOOD.).
Biggest Disappointments: Australia, Pineapple Express, Baby Mama, Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Where Knowledge Was Their Treasure.
Friday, February 13, 2009
5 Scary Things for Friday the 13th
1. The Jenny Humphrey Fashion Show (I will never get over it)
2. Sandy, the bus driver, on the new season of Survivor
3. 30th Floor Happy Hour, tonight, Pub Fiction
4. the inner workings of my body
5. And for the fifth, the obligatory Oscar post, choose-your-own-adventure-style:
A. The Joker
B. Mickey Rourke, Oscar Nominee
C. Baby with Old Man Face
2. Sandy, the bus driver, on the new season of Survivor
3. 30th Floor Happy Hour, tonight, Pub Fiction
4. the inner workings of my body
5. And for the fifth, the obligatory Oscar post, choose-your-own-adventure-style:
A. The Joker
B. Mickey Rourke, Oscar Nominee
C. Baby with Old Man Face
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
10 Things I'm Loving Right Now
Pedro Almodóvar
Joseph Gordon-Levitt in Brick (bonus points for sharing a birthday)
Jim & Dwight in "Lecture Circuit: Part I", The Office
Watchmen Trailer #3
Chuck Bass
Rebecca Hall in Vicky Cristina Barcelona
Friday Night Lights
January Jones in Mad Men, Season 1
Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs, C.Klosterman
Quiet contemplation about things lost, opportunities missed
Joseph Gordon-Levitt in Brick (bonus points for sharing a birthday)
Jim & Dwight in "Lecture Circuit: Part I", The Office
Watchmen Trailer #3
Chuck Bass
Rebecca Hall in Vicky Cristina Barcelona
Friday Night Lights
January Jones in Mad Men, Season 1
Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs, C.Klosterman
Quiet contemplation about things lost, opportunities missed
Monday, February 9, 2009
List my brother made that I found on my coffee table
this list makes no sense at all thoughts anyone?
3 Days 1 MAN
2 0 New Girl
6 A record year WOMAN
5 Im sticking with you MAN
1 Valerie Girl
4 Days Long MAN
7 Raincoat WOMAN
At first I thougth is was something related to a wii game, like a code or something, but maybe it is a playlist...i know I'm Sticking With you is a song. I am terrible with song names, and what is with the MAN, Girl, WOMAN lables?
3 Days 1 MAN
2 0 New Girl
6 A record year WOMAN
5 Im sticking with you MAN
1 Valerie Girl
4 Days Long MAN
7 Raincoat WOMAN
At first I thougth is was something related to a wii game, like a code or something, but maybe it is a playlist...i know I'm Sticking With you is a song. I am terrible with song names, and what is with the MAN, Girl, WOMAN lables?
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Happy Birthday, Jon!
Things that will always and forever remind me of Jon Merrill, like the way I feel like I'm in 3rd grade (for the first time) when I smell Hot Fries, in the best way possible...
- Sting
- Tori Amos
- red shoes
- orange cars
- grape vodka*
- screwdrivers
- Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, as sung by Harry Connick Jr.
- Crimson Tide and Sleepless in Seattle
- Beetlejuice and Groundhog Day
- Mother's Boys (one of my most favorite things ever)*
- Jamie Lee Curtis, in general (on account of how Mother's Boys is one of my most favorite things ever)
- Mr. Jones (the movie -- not that I think of it that often but, oh, when I do)
- Jeff Bridges in Fearless, The Big Lebowski, and The Vanishing*
- Matt Damon in Rounders, The Departed, and The Good Shepherd
- Fight Club
- Previews
- Infomercials (esp. Dr. Ho, the upside-down trash bag, and the slot machines)*
- Trivia*
- Poker
- 5am casino breakfasts*
- Pretty much every time someone says something funny
- Every single time someone says something stupid*
10 Great Movies That Got Terrible Reviews
The Oscars are great and all, but for just a brief moment, I’d like to take the time to recognize a particularly endearing cross-section of films that never gets enough respect. The following are a list of ten truly terrific movies that were panned by critics upon their release, just because of their “low browness,” their narrative flaws (re: not having stories, plots, etc), or, most of all, because they’re all pretty funny and comedy can never really be considered “great.”
10. Anchorman: What exactly is the “one” joke in Anchorman’s so-called “one-joke premise”? Cause I’m pretty sure there are a bunch of jokes in it. In fact, the movie is nothing but a bunch of jokes all in a row. Is the “one joke” that the movie is only many jokes? And by that logic, could we call Paradise Lost a one-moral premise, cause it’s nothing more than a series of moral explorations? (Answer: Definitely)
9. Pootie Tang: A flick so totally and completely absurd that it’s almost poetic. Also, the film has Kristin Bell and David Cross in it so technically it's illegal to not like it.
8. Super Troopers: Far too many critics got wrapped up in the empty characterizations of the cops and the “low brow” implications of their gags to just enjoy the bevy of innocuously quotable lines and the movie’s self-deprecating triumph. Also, stop calling it “frat humor.” It’s not. I f*cking hate frats, and frats hate me, and yet we both find this movie humorous.
7. The Cable Guy: The only thing we heard about this movie in the five months surrounding its release was Jim Carrey’s $20 million pricetag, prompting automatic critical backlash about how egregiously Carrey didn’t deserve the money with no one actually loosening up and watching the damn (stupid) movie. Dietrich usedta make twenty beans’a picsha, ya see? Not money, actual beans! So this movie’s no good!
6. Zoolander: Uh oh — get out your fashion-related jabs, critics, cause Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson are at the top of their game, pre-coasting, and revelling in the opportunity to play the two most ridiculous characters they possibly can! Also this movie’s portrayal of the fashion industry is not wholly accurate! Grrr!!
5. Coming To America: Murphy’s enegry level is sooooo looooowww!! Why couldn’t he have been more upbeat, like that fast-talking barber? And there’s way too much exposition!! It takes like ten minutes for them to come to America! Why is the movie called that then??? Sidenote: Are there any actual non-critic humans who don’t like this movie?
4. Wet Hot American Summer: I don’t totally blame the critics on this one, as I'm admittidly unfamiliar with the Wain/Showalter aesthetic and can see how some might find the brand of humor a bit exclusive, but that being said, I totally blame the critics on this one.
3. Billy Madison: I didn’t expect critics from non middle-school newspapers to howl through this movie three times in the theater in the first week it came out like all of us did, but surely they can recognize when a megastar simply nails down his demographic with a fearlessly wacky 90-minute gagfest? They can’t? Oh, that sucks.
2. Dumb and Dumber: I love when critics treat “lowbrow comedy” as something that should be inherently dismissed because God has damned it to the shallow end of the Social Darwinism pool, like they’re Victorian aristrocrats making haughty cracks about “the lower class” over brandy with cigars in it. We have to realize — all lowbrow comedy is the same, and by that right, we are worse humans for ever deriving pleasure from it.
1. Caddyshack: Caddyshack??? Caddyf*ckingshack?? The most nonthreateningly likeable, impossibly watchable comedy classic that everyone from ages negative ten to infinity plus one f*cking loves? What kind of joyless existence must these people live?
HONORABLE MENTIONS: UHF, Rookie of the Year, Die Hard With a Vengeance, Happy Gilmore, Ghostbusters 2, countless others.
10. Anchorman: What exactly is the “one” joke in Anchorman’s so-called “one-joke premise”? Cause I’m pretty sure there are a bunch of jokes in it. In fact, the movie is nothing but a bunch of jokes all in a row. Is the “one joke” that the movie is only many jokes? And by that logic, could we call Paradise Lost a one-moral premise, cause it’s nothing more than a series of moral explorations? (Answer: Definitely)
9. Pootie Tang: A flick so totally and completely absurd that it’s almost poetic. Also, the film has Kristin Bell and David Cross in it so technically it's illegal to not like it.
8. Super Troopers: Far too many critics got wrapped up in the empty characterizations of the cops and the “low brow” implications of their gags to just enjoy the bevy of innocuously quotable lines and the movie’s self-deprecating triumph. Also, stop calling it “frat humor.” It’s not. I f*cking hate frats, and frats hate me, and yet we both find this movie humorous.
7. The Cable Guy: The only thing we heard about this movie in the five months surrounding its release was Jim Carrey’s $20 million pricetag, prompting automatic critical backlash about how egregiously Carrey didn’t deserve the money with no one actually loosening up and watching the damn (stupid) movie. Dietrich usedta make twenty beans’a picsha, ya see? Not money, actual beans! So this movie’s no good!
6. Zoolander: Uh oh — get out your fashion-related jabs, critics, cause Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson are at the top of their game, pre-coasting, and revelling in the opportunity to play the two most ridiculous characters they possibly can! Also this movie’s portrayal of the fashion industry is not wholly accurate! Grrr!!
5. Coming To America: Murphy’s enegry level is sooooo looooowww!! Why couldn’t he have been more upbeat, like that fast-talking barber? And there’s way too much exposition!! It takes like ten minutes for them to come to America! Why is the movie called that then??? Sidenote: Are there any actual non-critic humans who don’t like this movie?
4. Wet Hot American Summer: I don’t totally blame the critics on this one, as I'm admittidly unfamiliar with the Wain/Showalter aesthetic and can see how some might find the brand of humor a bit exclusive, but that being said, I totally blame the critics on this one.
3. Billy Madison: I didn’t expect critics from non middle-school newspapers to howl through this movie three times in the theater in the first week it came out like all of us did, but surely they can recognize when a megastar simply nails down his demographic with a fearlessly wacky 90-minute gagfest? They can’t? Oh, that sucks.
2. Dumb and Dumber: I love when critics treat “lowbrow comedy” as something that should be inherently dismissed because God has damned it to the shallow end of the Social Darwinism pool, like they’re Victorian aristrocrats making haughty cracks about “the lower class” over brandy with cigars in it. We have to realize — all lowbrow comedy is the same, and by that right, we are worse humans for ever deriving pleasure from it.
1. Caddyshack: Caddyshack??? Caddyf*ckingshack?? The most nonthreateningly likeable, impossibly watchable comedy classic that everyone from ages negative ten to infinity plus one f*cking loves? What kind of joyless existence must these people live?
HONORABLE MENTIONS: UHF, Rookie of the Year, Die Hard With a Vengeance, Happy Gilmore, Ghostbusters 2, countless others.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
The most disturbing thing I've ever found on craigslist
1) This is the first listing I came across. Seems innocent enough...
My boyfriend and I have a large apartment that he has converted the back dining room into a nice sized room with a big back window. It is across the apartment from our room. The room is furnished. The only drawback is that the bathroom is located in our room which is the master bedroom, but we have had one roommate before and the situation worked out fine. The only reason she left was to get married.
My boyfriend is in his 40's and I am in my 50's. We are non-drinkers and non-smokers. We are very kind and laid-back people and have a wonderful dog who is well behaved and very smart.
We live in West Plano off of Springcreek and Independence.
We are not charging a deposit. We have both needed help before and therefore we are hoping to help someone else with cheap rent and all utilities paid.
Females only, PLEASE!
Please call David at (972)639-2394.
2) Then, THREE DAYS LATER, I found this posting:
Looking for a nice woman in her 40's or 50's or early 60's to share our apt. We have an extra room we have converted into a bedroom. The room is furnished.
Now here's the deal. We are an open minded couple who would like to have fun with our roommate if you know what I mean. You would not be required to pay any rent but help with groceries and electric.
Females only and non drinkers only.
Please call David at (972) 639-2394
Um....(dry heave)....how do you think it went when someone responded to the first ad?
My boyfriend and I have a large apartment that he has converted the back dining room into a nice sized room with a big back window. It is across the apartment from our room. The room is furnished. The only drawback is that the bathroom is located in our room which is the master bedroom, but we have had one roommate before and the situation worked out fine. The only reason she left was to get married.
My boyfriend is in his 40's and I am in my 50's. We are non-drinkers and non-smokers. We are very kind and laid-back people and have a wonderful dog who is well behaved and very smart.
We live in West Plano off of Springcreek and Independence.
We are not charging a deposit. We have both needed help before and therefore we are hoping to help someone else with cheap rent and all utilities paid.
Females only, PLEASE!
Please call David at (972)639-2394.
2) Then, THREE DAYS LATER, I found this posting:
Looking for a nice woman in her 40's or 50's or early 60's to share our apt. We have an extra room we have converted into a bedroom. The room is furnished.
Now here's the deal. We are an open minded couple who would like to have fun with our roommate if you know what I mean. You would not be required to pay any rent but help with groceries and electric.
Females only and non drinkers only.
Please call David at (972) 639-2394
Um....(dry heave)....how do you think it went when someone responded to the first ad?
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February 11, 2009 1:19 PM