Some Facts About Baby

• She's come a long way
• Nobody puts her in the corner
• She wanted 12 lemons for her 12-lemon centerpiece
• I'd get down on my knees for her
• She's got back
• She's got what I need (but she says he's just a friend)

Things I should do so I can be as pretty as America Ferrera

• Wear earrings
• Wear lipstick
• Maybe wear makeup in general
• Wax my eyebrows
• Make it so that when people look at my face they can tell what I am thinking
• Maybe not what I am thinking, but THAT I am thinking
• Wait, maybe that’s already true
• Ask T****** if that’s already true
• Per T******, strike the one about the face thing
• Per this web series I am watching that she is in, I should also moisturize my hands before bed, and also wear those undereye paper-mask things before bed, to make my undereyes look good
• Be eight years younger

Three words I knowingly misuse

1. Hovel—I like to use this word to mean “a messy apartment”
2. Akimbo—I like to imagine that “arms akimbo” doesn’t mean hands on hips, but rather means that someone is frantically waving his or her arms in the air
3. Pathological—I like to use this word to mean weird or contradictory behavior

I Might - ACL Fest 2012 Edition

• Have walked home tonight from Zilker Park (only after first walking the other direction for 20 minutes through the Taxi line until I decided F this S)
• Have some major blisters on my feet
• Secretly think this will cause me to wake up 20 pounds lighter
• Be naked but look like a lobster in a white tshirt
• Only want to see 2 shows tomorrow--one at 11:30 IN THE MORNING and one at 6:15 in the evening (and I saw the pm folks at SXSW a few years ago, and even though I love their new album, live = zzzzzzzzzz)
• Not go back tomorrow

Services I would pay for

• Someone to moisturize me
• Someone to remind me, when I’m at the market, that I need toilet paper or sparkling wine
• Someone to keep track of all of the projects I think up, and then remind me of some of them when I’m bored
• Someone to read my mind about what I want from all of my technologies and then program said technologies to do those things
• Someone to find me my next (and perfect) job
•  Someone to read the mind of my cat when he’s acting like insanity on legs
• Someone to wash and put away the cutleries

Great ideas I’ve had this week

“You should come up with a multiphase plan to woo Pilar.”

“Instead of writing her a check, I think I’ll just give her a $100
bill. Everyone loves having a hunsky.”

“I’d like Indian food for dinner. And a cocktail.”

“I should go back in time to when I was a kid and become good at
volleyball and then become a beach volleyball player and then now be
retiring from the Olympic team. This plan seems more likely than me
ever getting a new job.”

“I need a mnemonic device to remember which Olsen twin it is that I like.”

“Let’s open a hidden ladies’ lounge called Powder Room.”

“I should update my blog.”

List Karen made while we're teaching tax training

Things from Billy Joel's We Didn't Start the Fire that are still burning

• China
• Television
• North Korea
• Vaccine
• Brooklyn's got a winning team (maybe) 
• Disneyland
• Trouble in the Suez
• Lebanon
• California baseball
• U2 (albeit a different one) 
• Dylan
• John Glenn
• Birth control
• Palestine
• Terror on the airline
• Ayatollah's in Iran
• Foreign debts
• Homeless Vets

It will still burn on, and on, and on, and on...

via kottke.org

Things I Judge

1. Elementary School Science Fair - every year for about 12 years
2. Texas Downtown Awards - just once
3. You - Sometimes (I'm sorry.)
4. Me - Always

List of clutter

Things on my coffee table right now. 2 coffee mugs My Laptop 1 pair of sunglasses 3 coasters 4 candle holders Box for Austen's watch (that he wears and has had for a month) 2 pair 3D glasses. Taco bell napkin Taco bell receipt Wireless mouse case Straw wrapper (guessing from taco bell) Play station controller WD hard drive remote Large binder clip Room & Board catalogue Statement for Austen's IRA account Headphones Pen Various USB plugs Necklace Box of thank you notes Austen's credit card iPhone charger Letter to Austen from Humana Some work email of Austen's A wedding card from Susannah J.Crew catalogue Wedding sign in book photo album A mailer from pwc reminding me to get an "executive health exam" Austen's birthday card from my grandma There is not spell check available on iPad. Don't judge.

Goals

When I was a junior in high school, here are some things I really, really wanted:

• To go to Longview Mall every weekend and eat chick fil a.
• For a republican - at the time, George Bush - to win the presidential election. 
• To want to make out with a girl, and to eventually marry a woman.
• For Michelle Pfeiffer to win an Oscar. 

Update: 

• I still want Michelle Pfeiffer to win an Oscar. 

Something's Gotta Give

So, as most of you know, I drink too much.  And most of the time that drinking takes place in my living room, in my computer chair, in front of the television.  So I got to thinking the other day that maybe I need to get rid of my television and my cable and that led me to this list.  Television shows that I am currently watching or waiting to start the next season.  This is ridiculous.

• Veep
• Game of Thrones
• The Newsroom
• True Blood
• Episodes
• Dexter
• Homeland
• Perception
• The Mentalist
• New Adventures of Old Christine (all repeats - thanks Julie)
• Raising Hope (thanks Blaine)
• Happy Endings (thanks gang)
• Suits
• Burn Notice
• White Collar
• In Plain Sight
• The Daily Show
• Colbert Report
• It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
• Community
• 30 Rock
• Parks and Rec
• The Office
• Fringe
• Tosh .0
• Justified
• Leverage
• Damages
• Prime Suspect (assuming it's coming back)
• Castle
• House of Lies
• Touch
• Mad Men
• Franklin & Bash
• Louie
• Luther
• Masterpiece Mystery (Sherlock)
• Psych
• The League
• Family Guy
• Workaholics
• Misfits (hulu)
• Whites (hulu)
• Spy (hulu)
• Buffy (through netflix -- on season 3 of 9)

What do you think?  Am I spending too much time watching television?

5 Favorite Films of Really Interesting Me

 The first two will ALWAYS be my first two but the other three are on a constant rotation.  This just happens to be how I feel right now and for some reason, they're all classics.  Sorry.

1. The General (1927) - Truly a masterpiece.  Long before special effects and fancy things like sound, Buster Keaton paved the way for generations to come with a comedy that's also a love story and an action film.  His stunts are breathtaking and all the more powerful when you realize that's actually him on a moving train.

2. It's a Wonderful Life (1946) - I have long contested that should aliens visit our planet, this would the be the one movie I would show them to represent mankind.  It's about family, love, heartbreak, greed, corruption and ultimately, redemption.  While maybe not my favorite movie ever made, I do believe it's the best movie ever made (and that's a whole other list).

3. 12 Angry Men (1957) - Anyone who liked the movie Crash should re-watch this movie (or In the Heat of the Night) as an example of how to make a movie about prejudice without hitting you over the head with it.  But story aside, watching the actors go toe-to-toe for an hour and a half is the real beauty of this film.  One of the best casting in a film ever (again, another list).

4. Casablanca (1942) - The best screenplay ever written.  Period.

5. Rope (1948) - I owe most of my cinematic love to P. Jenks but this will forever be the best gift he ever gave me.  I'm not gonna lie, Rear Window and Vertigo are tied for my top 3 favorite Hitchock films and since the previous two have already been used, and since I do not like to repeat, I went with this one.  But that shouldn't lessen the value of this brilliant film.  Shot as 'one take', Al Hitch made the tension so palpable you almost find yourself yelling at the screen.  In fact, I'm going to watch this today.

5 favorite films of a different me

or, Favorite 5 (plus-3) because I just can't do it, but I can be clever about it. 
Warning: the word masterpiece (and other similarly silly words) is gonna be overused, appropriately

So this one is obvious. I quote it every day. That poster is my favorite tangible item in my possesion, now or ever. No movie has entertained me more. I might remember movies where I have laughed harder or louder (different list idea), but I don't know of any that have made me laugh longer. I love movies (and I love screwball comedies), but man I wish I loved them as much as Peter Bogdanovich. And if any movie deserves to be on this list, it's the one that introduced Madeline Kahn to the world.

Peter Bogdanovich made this the year before he made What's Up Doc?, and it couldn't be more different. It's also a masterpiece, but it is one of heartbreak and nostalgia and hope and all the things that make my heart hurt and then swell. Peter Bogdanovich made Paper Moon two years later, and you can't find a better 1-2-3 by any director.

Like The Last Picture Show, this movie stirs me in a way not many others can or will, but it is also a comic masterpiece. I doubt Austen will make a list so I will steal his often-stated opinion that this movie boasts the best ending in film history. I get tears in my eyes, and smile involuntarily, just thinking about it.

It's hard to pin down the best Hitchcock film because, again, masterpieces, but for purposes of "favorites" I've always picked Rear Window. Notorious is a close second in this race, but something about Rear Window has always won out. That something might be Thelma Ritter.

I don't know if I've ever been more captivated by a movie. I picture myself from the first minute sitting in front of the screen slack-jawed, waiting and knowing something beautiful was going to happen. Robert Mitchum is beauty enough (good grief, those eyes) but Lillian Gish singing harmony on "Leaning on the Everlasting Arms"? Holy shit. Everything about this movie gives me goose bumps all over. 

Plus-3:  One Repeat and Two Non-English Films

What DJ said.

Some words already used: Masterpiece. Captivated. Goose bumps. Tears. Beauty. Best love story ever.

This film is as rich as any novel, and of all the movies I have ever seen, none has made me happier to be human.

5 Favorite Films of Interesting Me

Inspired by Buzzfeed and dubbed interesting by P. Jenkins, here's a list of my 5 Favirote Films. Or, here's my favorite movie, plus 4 (in no particular order) that are always in my top 10, but today I felt like were in my top 5. 

1. Network (1976)
It’s forward-thinking and even more relevant 30+ years later, duh. BUT, even if it were totally dated, the writing is so smart and the actors are sooo good (maybe the best ensemble performance ever) that its longevity doesn’t matter. Best movie ever.

2.-5. Vertigo (1958)
Besides the intense and unexpected plot, the imagery (e.g., back alley/flower shop scene) is incredible. Also, the music is perfect.

2.-5. Chinatown (1974)
I love it for the same exact reasons I love Vertigo above. Makes me want a time machine to go back to 1930’s Los Angeles.

2.-5. Quiz Show (1994)
Combines all of my favorite things - television, history, trivia, politics – into a great story with some great dialogue and delivery (“Your name is mine!”).

2.-5. The Truman Show (1998)
A great idea for a movie (pre-reality TV, too) that could have been just tarrible, but instead it’s believable, hilarious and actually moving. Also, you wouldnt believe how many times a week I seriously ask myself, "Is this all being filmed?"

*Bonus – LOTR Trilogy
Any list of my favorite movies has to include them because not only did I watch them, but I eventually obsessed over a fantasy adventure. No fantasy movie before that or any since has been able to do that.

Notes on Krull

See the Troll 2 list for backstory. I asked Jon to watch Krull. I watched it too, and took notes.

Tidbit: I first saw Krull in the theater because my aunt wanted to see War Games but I was too scared of Russians and WWIII so I refused and made her watch this piece of shit.


Music trumpet voluntarys
Flying star
Stanford Sherman
Peter Yates!
Ate these knights saying all these things? 
Editing terrible
The offense and defense is hilarious. 
Swashbuckling!
Star wars
LOTR
Liam neeson is hot and awesome
What's with the eye fetish , this old man with his eyes closed the whole time.
Open them, you might be able to see
How are those things IN the swamp?!
Why are those two backing up?
Why did the cyclops finally talk to them?
Quicksand scene is a master class in terrible acting and editing and music.
This could not be less suspenseful. 
Power is fleeting. Love is eternal. 
"Think on it." 
He is STILL in that spider web?

Notes on Troll 2

Boxcar and I made a deal to assign each other a shitty movie and each of us would have to write up a review. I sent him my review a couple weeks ago but I have this list in my notes app on my iPad. Which I now share with you. The movie I had to watch was Troll 2. You should definitely watch it.

It starts in the middle
That hat!
I hope this kid dies soon
"Goblins don't need to justify their cruel acts." I wonder if the writers will feel the same way about this cruel plot. Torturing me. 
Peter is awfully slow.
Acting like an educational film. 
80s leotard is sexy. 
Grown man doing business in pajamas
Who vacations in nilbog?
"Cut out your liiiiil nuts and eat them." 
This girl looks like the 80s and then transitions into a prairie girl with total earnestness.
He wants to bring his friends?  
"Sing that song I like so much." Row Your Boat
They couldn't afford a third troll for the sister. 
I think this mother is an alien 
Sister keeps switching seats. 
At this time of night? It's the morning. 
The dad's sales pitch. 
Eat before we eat you. 
These inconsistent children's attitudes. 
Typical country hospitality!
They take a long time to eat. 
They've poured like 6 drinks a piece. 
Who puts icing on corn on the cob?!?
And all the sudden the dad is a drill sargesnt in charge o
Good joke with the belt
What a tackle!
The speech to the trolls
The arch of the speartoss
Why not go back downhill?
This is my house 
Her eyebrows are very emotive
Thank you for the icing sandwich!
The crazy lady is acting like she's in a different movie, only I can't decide if that movie is better or worse. 
It's a message movie!
This couple has no chemistry 
Definitely the sexiest goblin preacher in film history
The first of many questions is why I'd this movie called troll 2?
Was there a troll 1? Did it also have goblins and not trolls?
really just want it to end. 
We learn they can transport in a flash. Dissipate. Apparate. 
Best use of bologna in a film. 

Movies

To The Best of My Knowledge, Movies My Mom Has Seen in the Theater in My Lifetime

• Best Little Whorehouse in Texas
• Steel Magnolias
• The Apostle
• My Big Fat Greek Wedding
• Bernie

To The Best of My Knowledge, Movies My Dad Has Seen in the Theater in My Lifetime

• Bernie

Summer Goals

Read books.

See movies.

Listen to lots of good country music (starting with the radio on my drive back from Marshall yesterday, which inspired today's purchase of The Essential Earl Thomas Conley (!!!)).

If not develop actual workout habit, introduce concept.

Do things that, if I lived somewhere else, I might not have the chance to do.

Hang out with people I like.

Things I Was Doing

at 10:34 this morning, when answering an email that asked, "what are you up to?"

Finishing my coffee

filling in a coworker on a city of A***** public meeting yesterday where EVERYTHING I said was completely ignored (I am still very mad), and

calling back a lady from a company called Fancy Hands, which she claims is an "internet task agency" but I'm not so sure

Major Changes for Reunion

More updates from the not-my-class reunion:

Hello classmates,

I pray all is well with everyone!

Appears that after 20 years, the Class of 1992 still cannot seem to come together as a class. Unfortunately, there has not been anymore payments sent in, we still only have 21 total payments received, which is NOT nearly enough to do the reunion as planned. Therefore, I am forced to down size. 

[and then some more stuff and then a LIST of cuts, which I will paste here right now] 

Cut#1
We will NOT be having the meet/greet at the Marshall High School on Friday, June 22, 2012. 

Cut#2
There will NOT be a 5 course meal as planned on Saturday, June 23, 2012 for the main event, instead we will be catering finger foods just to have food on site for those that will be drinking (BYOB). 

Cut#3
There will NOT be any souvenirs, t-shirts will act as souvenirs for those that order them. T-shirts are $10 each. There will be a minimal amount of extras t-shirts ordered to sell at the reunion; first come, first serve, once they are gone, that's it. SO if you want to assure to get a t-shirt, you NEED to order and pay for them ahead.

Cut#4
The early bird drawing will be cut to $25 from the $75 original prize amount.

Cut#5
There will be minimal decorations but we will have a area decorated for pictures so please come dressed nice. STILL, NO TANK TOPS, FLIP FLOPS, TENNIS SHOES, NO PARK ATTIRE, COME BUSINESS CASUAL OR SEMI-FORMAL. 

[Guess what was not cut--the comedy show. is what]

Transformative Things

Today I feel better than I have in weeks. Here are the things to which I attribute my success:

• Surprise! No work tonight (I have had evening meetings every night this week, and tonight's was canceled)
• 8 hours of sleep last night
• Neti pot

Crisspoints System

Oh, Liz Lemon.

CHORES
ENTHUSIASM FOR CRISSPOINTS SYSTEM
REFERRING TO ME AS KHALEESI
SITTING ON MY FEET
FIXING THE INTERNET
ABSOLUTE SILENCE DURING "CELEBRITY APPRENTICE"
UNLOADING THE DISHWASHER
KILLING SPIDERS
TALKING TO NEIGHBORS SO I DON'T HAVE TO
GOING TO POST OFFICE
LISTENING TO ME DESCRIBE MY DREAM

REWARDS AND POINTS VALUES
DINNER OUT - 10 POINTS
VISIT BEACH - 25 POINTS
LIZ WILL WEAR SILK UNDERTRUNKS - 30 POINTS
MOVE YOUR BOAT PAINTING OUT OF CLOSET - 100 POINTS
DAYLIGHT SEX - 200 POINTS
CRISS CAN GROW JOKE MUSTACHE - 275 POINTS
FOOD SHARING - 300 POINTS

Andy & April's Runaway Plans

*mild spoiler alert*
 
Places to Live

• Germany
• Greenland
• Australia
• Moon
• Chicago
• Florida (Everglades)
• Jamaica
• Pegasus
• New Caprica
• George (Not USA the other one)
• Winterfell
• Montana
• S. Africa (D.M.B.)
• U.S.S.R. Russia
• Bermuda
• Bahama
• Key Largo
• Montego
• Cocomo
• Amazon Village
• Seattle
• Burly's House on L.Michigan

Dream Jobs - April

• Warrior/Witch
• Sub
• Dental hygienist who's also a medium

Dream Jobs - Andy

• Scientist
• Coach
• Detective
• F.B.I. Agent
• Policemen
• C.I.A. Agent
• Shoeshine Guy
• Cop

What You Get For Your $75

I have been mistakenly included on an email list for the MHS Class of '92 Reunion coming up this summer. Here's what you get, verbatim of course, for your registration fee of $75 per person or $125 per couple. But please see warning above (in this awesome font that has been chosen for the entire four pages, by the way)!

• Friday night meet/greet (food)
• Saturday dinner*
• Comedy Show
• DJ and Dance
• One (1) t-shirt per $75 and two (2) t-shirts per $125 paid in full
• One (1) reunion souvenir
• Door prizes TBD later
• If an Early Bird Registration**, then you will be entered into a drawing to win a monetary prize, possibly a full reimbursement

*Dinner Menu

• Grilled Chicken Breast
• Mashed Potatoes
• Green Beans
• Toss Salad
• Homemade Dinner Rolls
• Peach Cobbler
• Sweet/Unsweet Tea
• BYOB
  

**Early Bird Registration = payment made/post-dated by April 21, 2012.