Shitty Marketing

I got a catalog in the mail this week. Here is everything written on page 1 of this catalog, and my thoughts:

• We know you... (Do you? Good! Sell me some stuff!)
• In the summer, you think about winter. (False)
• In the winter, you wake up at 5 a.m. (LMFAO)  
• to get to the first chair (What? I'm in band?)
• You know what rock star parking is and how to get it. (What are you talking about?)
• Or you just started riding and you love the rush of that first linked turn. [Looks at cover again.]
• You can't sleep the night before a powder day. (Oh, I see. False.)
• You know every secret hit on your favorite run or you just got your first-ever air. (False)
• You're teaching your kids how to ski. (Now that is just really some terrible market research.)
• You hike for 2 hours to snowboard for 10 minutes down an untouched run. (Who?)
• You know that having friends on a powder day means the day will be that much better. (False)
• You know that apres means after. (What does that have to do with anything?)
• You ride because it's fun. (False)
• We know you ... because we are just like you. (List.)