10. Angelina Jolie, Changeling: Missing child? Check. Period and historical context? Check. Portraying person from real life who moans like Dwight Schrute and throws herself against a bunch of walls? Checky check. For the record, this movie is way funnier if you imagine it’s Angelina in real life after she doesn’t win the Oscar this year. See also: Angelia Jolie, A Mighty Heart.
9. Denzel Washington, The Hurricane: In all honesty, my love for all things Mr. Washington knows no bounds...but come on Academy, how many times does the guy have to say “Hate put me in here…but loves' gunna bust me out!” before you shower him with gold statues? Answer: however many times he said it in Training Day...
8. Robin Williams, Patch Adams: Ol' Hairy Knuckes McGee didn’t even get nominated for his portrayal of a speech-giving doctor who goes to court a lot, has magical butterflies land on him, and blasts deafening string music so loudly, it kills his wife. They really should have just gone the extra step and given that butterfly AIDS.
7. Cuba Gooding Jr, Radio: A decade after his Supporting Actor Oscar (yuck...), CBJ attempted to re-legitimize his career by ditching crap comedies and making, instead, the single funniest movie of all time.
6. Ben Kingsley, Gandhi: I love how Ben Kingsley’s such a frickin’ good actor, no one cared that he donned brownface and spoke in a Don Rickles-style Indian voice to nab the most automatic Oscar-winning role in the history of history. The role of Martin Luther King is still up for grabs, though… Jude Law, anyone? Clive Owen?
5. Will Smith, The Pursuit of Happyness: I got gypped out of that Oscar for playing Muhammad Ali, so I have to win for playing homeless single dad defying odds and cultural bounds, right? Maybe if I just keep playing this piano and grabbing this symbolic fence, people won’t notice how vague my life advice is…
4. Emma Thompson, Howard’s End: Discussing lust and property value with Sir Anthony Hopkins in the periodest period piece that ever perioded? I’m surprised the Academy waited 'til the Oscar ceremony to give her the award instead of just whipping it at the screen when they saw this movie.
3. Tom Hanks, The 1990s: What’s the fastest way to go from starring in buddy comedies opposite a pooch to being an A+++ +lister? How about getting AIDS then being retarded and causing all of American history to happen in back to back Oscar seasons? Nowadays, Hanks is so goddamn legit, we almost gave him an award for that episode of “Survivor” he filmed.
*2. Sean Penn, I Am Sam: OMG, you mean retarded dads can love too?? Whaa?????? I thought retarded people were just evil and couldn’t have kids and if they did have kids they hated them, but I was shown the error in my beliefs by Sean Penn’s courageous Jerry Lewis impression!
* - These comments brought to you by: Questionable Taste. Questionable Taste: Making you hate me a little bit more each day.
1. Julia Roberts, Erin Brokovich: Would this movie have been any different if they’d just filmed Julia Roberts slam-dunking an Oscar through a basketball hoop? Well, yeah, then we wouldn’t have seen the cartoonish naysayers who don’t believe in Erin Brokovich say “Well I never!” and have their monocles fall into their martinis then they drink the monocles by mistake then spit them out when Erin Brokovich accomplishes another thing that they cannot believe! She’s a wooooommmmaaaannnn, people!!!
Honorable Mentions: Jim Carrey in Man On The Moon/The Majestic, Helen Mirren in The Queen, Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man, Holly Hunter in The Piano, Ed Harris in Pollock
3 comments:
I am in general agreement. I am especially encouraging of your Tom Hanks bashing.
But I must take issue with your Emma Thompson/Howards End hate. It's one of the best movies of the 90s (and one of the best literary adaptations ever). And although Oscar-baity, she gave the best performance that year. Mary McDonnell in Passion Fish and Michelle Pfeiffer in Batman Returns being a close 2nd and 3rd.
If you are gonna talk about shameless Oscar baiting from 1992, please see: Al Pacino, Scent of a Woman. Hoo-AH!!
I think you have to look at the attempt to determine if it is *shameless*. I don't think HE qualifies.
I also want to throw up a wimpy defense, if not for Julia Roberts, then at least for the movie *Erin Brockovich*. But I don't want to talk about it that much.
p.s. That sentence above makes no sense. Please replace "attempt" with "what they were attempting to accomplish"
Or maybe you could just "intent"?
If anyone wants to win an Oscar playing a retard perhaps they could just play me.
And also, for clarification, "HE" refers to "Howards End" not "he" as in Al Pacino.
Al Pacino undoubtedly qualifies.
Post a Comment