PJenkins' Southwest Airlines Flight Tips, circa 2004

THE BACKGROUND 

Inspired by Boxcar's post I would like to post my own flight tips provided to Buster in response to his question:

"i am flying southwest.  what is the procedure with southwest?  if you look at your reward deal on the internet, it shows your upcoming flights, and i have none on mine, which is my question. I am leaving thursday night and coming back monday morning. I have no idea what i am supposed to do, and i don't feel like finding out for myself. since you are an experienced traveler, you should tell me exactly what i should do, so i know what i am doing as far as where to go when i get to the airport, and what do do once i get there, and how early to get there.  I haven't flown since 1999.  and i am a retard."

THE LIST

#1.  You need to print that receipt out for both you and Matt and also
write on it your rapid rewards number.

#2.  Take your drivers license.

#3.  Being a professional traveler, I would get there at 530.  Being
unsure of where to park and what to do, I would get to the airport at
500.  It is the Austin airport remember.  You would have to be
retarded to get there any earlier than 5.  Now that I have said that,
you should go ahead and get there 2 hours early.

#4.  Go to the southwest ticket counter, which is on the left side.
Pull out your drivers license.  Do not pull out the dorky email
printout unless there is a problem.
They will say, "where are you  headed" or "destination" and you will
say, "Tampa"  Do not say "Tampa Bay" - cool, professional travelers
just say "Tampa"

#5.  OR !  you can check in at the kiosk by simply swiping your credit
card and it prints your boarding pass and this is faster but means you
can not check your luggage (Unless you are smart like me but that is
too much work to talk about) and then you also could not do #6

#6   Ask the lady when she is almost done - Can you check and see if
they put my rapid rewards number on there.  and only pull out the
dorky itinerary printout if she says no and asks you the number.

#7.  Check your bags with the lady - if you are checking bags.  I
always check my bag because you don't want to be the asshole who can't
find a spot in the overhead bin for your bag.

#8.  Proceed WITH BOARDING PASS to security.   Remove your watch,
belt, change, and other metal stuff and put it in your carry on bag so
you do not have to waste everyone's time taking it out of your pockets
and putting it in a bowl.  Wear flip flops so you do not have to take
off your shoes.  Keep your drivers license and your boarding pass in
your pocket.   Go thru security.

#9 - maybe maybe not get strip searched

#10 - go to gate.  Wait.   If you have a boarding pass that says A on
it - do not get in line until the line is moving.  People who have As
and stand in line are stupid.  You will get a good seat even if you
are the very last A.  If you have a B, watch and see when people start
getting in the B line.  When a few people are in the B line, you will
want to walk over the B line and stand in it also but you will want to
look like you don't REALLY care whether or not you get a good seat,
you are just standing in line because it's just another place to stand
and who cares?  you're cool with whatever.  Because if you get in the
front of the B line you can get a good seat.  if you get in the back
of the b line, you will be sitting between say, Anne Newman* and Glenn**.
 If you have a C on your boarding pass, go buy headphones , a
magazine, and spray febreeze in your nostrils.  YOu will have a crappy
seat.   The A, B, C is determined by time of check in - if you get
there at 430 - you will have an A for sure.  Id say you're still safe at
5pm.

#11 - board the plane.  Board the plane and be sure to say "Have a
great day" to the lady checking your boarding pass, becuase then she
will know that you are not scared at all, but so confident taht you
will land safely and have a good day taht you want her to have one too
and are able to tell her so.

#12 - Walk on the plane and figure out  -== "where is the hottest
person on this plane going to sit and how can I sit in just the right
spot where they will be free to talk to me but not forced to do so and
then we will get married - or at least make out while in [destination]
(in your case Tampa).  This is the hardest part of the trip.

#13 - sit down wherever you want and buckle your seatbelt before the
lady has to tell you to do it.

#14 - DO NOT TRY TO TURN ON THE A/C UNTIL YOU ARE IN THE AIR.  People
look so dumb fiddling with that thing when it will not work until we
are flying, stupid guy!

#15 - Pray.

#16 - Order bloody mary mix and enjoy peanuts.  Do not look stupid
trying to open your peanuts but hopefully open them on the first try.
Do not spill peanuts all over the floor. Do not spill bloody mary mix
all over your shirt.

#17 - Read magazine and if the hot person on the plane is also reading
the same magazine as you are, be sure and hold your magazine up (not
obviously) so that they will know how much you have in common and say
to themselves, "hey, that cute guy reads the economist too!  which is
especially cool because you are wearing flipflops and not stodgy
economist clothes).

#18 - that's about all i can think of.  wash your hands if you use the
restroom and remember your stuff when you get off the plane.  try as
hard as you can to stand next to the hot person at baggage claim but
chances are s/he has only carryons - leather bag from Kenneth Cole***
probably - and just walked right on out of the airport into the car
with someone way hotter than you.  Look for Stephen, tell him hi,
remember why you are there in the first place, and acknowledge that
you will have way more fun with Stephen than you would have with the
probably boring hot person who chances are listens to either remixes of
cyndi lauper songs or the greatest hits from andrew lloyd webber.

#19 - Have a great time, dude!

_________________________________________________________________
* Big, fat US history teacher at Marshall High School.  A wonderful woman,just large.
** Our grandfather.  Old, yellow hair.  Smells like Aquanet, Brut, and old cotton.
*** Shut up. It was 2004, people.

Disclaimer:  These no longer apply completely, due to the revised boarding policy.