The Least Sexy Sex Scenes In Sexy Sex Scene History

7. Beowulf
Remember when all those crazy RESTRICTED trailers of naked Angie Jolie leaked to the interweb, and just as everyone who never thought to type "Angelina Jolie" and "Gia" into Google was preparing to go nuts, we soon learned that "Naked Angelina Jolie" actually meant "Naked Dragon Woman Thing From Rejected Pixar Film?" It’d be like if a movie came out billing "Shannon Elizabeth FINALLY gets naked!" and everyone dumb enough to be excited by it was treated to a CGI'd Shannon Elizabeth-voiced unicorn character with rainbow-colored boobs. Which reminds me...I forgot to Netflix Beowulf.

6. Basic Instinct 2
Perhaps the most necessary sequel in cinematic history (besides “Bring It On Again”), Instinct 2 is a gripping, powerful tale about the inevitability of human aging and the overwhelming nature of denial. Sharon Stone is thoroughly convincing as the never-acclaimed lead actress who foolishly equates credibility with being naked a whole bunch of times, but her doctored, leathery flesh merely symbolizes the hopeless pursuit of eternal youth. Unfortunately, I feel like the critics didn’t fully appreciate this biting, cautionary tale.

5. Short Cuts
There’s nothing particularly unappealing about a bottomless Julianne Moore yelling at her husband for three minutes. It’s more or less just one of the most straightforwardly, non-sexual displays of nudity in cinematic history. In fact...the entire idea of utilizing nudity in films to serve some sort of artistic, literary purpose is thoroughly unarousing for me- nude scenes should only be used to either set up some sort of wacky comic foil (usually involving Porky's-like spying), to identify which mortals are about to be massacred in a horror flick, or to break up the weighty, layered dialogue in Cinemax movies with “Deception” in the title.

4. There’s Something About Mary
Yes, the withered, saggy boobs in this accidental peeping scene are props (I’m hoping, if there’s any gynecologic justice in this world), but so was the third nipple on that chick from Total Recall, and that didn’t stop me from fantasizing about her non-stop - Peter Griffin style - back when I was younger*. I guess the only consolation from this quick-cut startler is that by NOT seeing Cameron Diaz’s boobs, I can still argue my theory that her nipples are actually just shrill, laughing cartoon faces.

* Last week

3. The Rules Of Attraction
The unsexiness of the Food Service Girl’s cut-up corpse being pulled out of a bloody bathtub still pales in comparison to the jaw-dropping implausibility of the scene itself, which represents a sharp peak on this movie’s upward-trending graph of being totally sh*tty. I suppose the suicide scene does balance the extremely sexy and even more believable party scene where completely naked college girls grind on costumed dudes, which, I don’t know about you, definitely reminds me of every single party I ever went to in college. By the way, I went to Eyes Wide Shut U.

2. About Schmidt
I thought we had a deal, Kathy Bates - I acknowledge that you’re really talented and allow you to be the one successful, yet unattractive actress in a looks-obsessed profession, and in exchange, I NEEEEVVVVEEEEERRRRRR see you naked. Ever...In fact, we should never see you with fewer than four, maybe five layers of clothes on, preferably involving some combination of judicial robes, bulletproof vests, and/or Hazmat suits. In fact, can you please play some FBI-judge in a radiation-filled courtroom in your next movie? Who’s also a beekeeper on the side? I have no doubts that you’ll be awesome.

1. The Shining
The only thing more painful than getting kicked in the crotch is having someone deliberately giving you an erection and then kick you in the junk. That seems to have been about the only possible motivation behind Mr. Kubrick’s decision to include Shining's “old woman in the bath” scene - I realize the dude’s going insane, but surely there are cinematic devices which can convey this idea without sucker-punching the vas deferens of every unsuspecting adolescent watching this movie for the first time? Or at least have the scene jump cut before she turns into the old woman to a scene of Jack outside the door saying into the camera “wow, that was gross and surprising! She turned into a melting old woman! Well I’ll be!” Wouldn’t that have been a fair compromise for everyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Honarable Mention:
Monster's Ball ("you make me feel good...")
Requiem for a Dream (@$$ to @$$. That's all I have to say)
Kids (I think there are laws saying you can’t be turned on by this movie)
Brown Bunny (If you think this movie is hot, your name is Vincent Gallo)
The Adventures of Milo and Otis (wait...ummm)
Taking Lives