1. Do not say "I can skip the gym today, I played Wii Bowling." I at least have to play Wii Tennis if I'm going to call it a work out.
2. Stop setting three alarms on my phone, just so I can turn the volume off after the first one.
3. I will not gain any more weight. Losing weight is such a hard goal, so I figured why not make it easier. First maintain weight, then figure out a way to lose it.
4. Stop saying how hot every girl on television/movies is when I'm with my girlfriend. Rather, I should also mention how intelligent they are. That way she can't say I'm a pig.
5. Temper unprovoked attacks on former coworkers and the slandering of my old company's good name. Because if there is one that the great ghost in the sky got right it was his creation of promiscuous women. No reason to throw it in his face.
6. I vow to stop saying "I've seen part of that on tv, I think" when someone asks me if I've seen a movie that I clearly haven't.
7. NOT make Manager.
8. And speaking of girlfriends, I will settle down. Have children. Keep copies of Reader's Digest in the bathroom. Watch golf. Mow the yard. Remain emotionally distant from our kids. Go to church. Wear a polo shirt tucked into khaki shorts. Write checks at the grocery store. Become a vacant shell of a person who's only joy is meatloaf dinners. Basically I'm ready to mature as person by quietly dying inside. Baby.
2 comments:
Have you been reading Revolutionary Road?
*do not say you've seen part of that on TV
**or you've read an excerpt in Reader's Digest
KUDOS on no. 7
I think #8 alone is going to keep you pretty busy this year. Better get started if you want kids before 2011!
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