How I Know I'm a Good Person

• When crossing the street, if a rock or piece of broken glass is within my reach, I will give at least one attempt to kick it to the side.
• When a cab driver takes the long way to my chosen destination I never argue or complain because he or she's a professional and I don't want to make him or her feel bad.
• I give bonuses to my employees whenever I get the chance even though it's not my money and doesn't really affect me in any way.
• I don't tell people who aren't my good friends that they have bad breath, because that's just rude (this also applies to food in teeth).
• I tell homeless people that "I'm all plastic tonight" so they trust me that I don't have any spare change even if I'm lying. Besides, by giving them money I'm not helping them, I'm hurting them.
• When I ordered the shrimp enchiladas at El Chile and the new waitress brought me chicken tacos, I just ate them. I know how difficult it can be to wait tables having been a waiter myself (for two weeks).
  
• I will always give a cigarette to the warehouse district yuppies who "don't smoke" except when they drink.
• I never make fun of people who are bigger than I am.
• Whenever I witness someone falling on their ass, I wait until I know they weren't seriously injured before laughing out loud.