Reasons why "The Rock" is awesome

1) Someone finally realized that chemical weapons are much scarier than nuclear weapons because your face melts off before you die.
2) Ed Harris
3) Sean Connery plays an ex-spy who worked for his majeshty's shecret shervice and he does three really cool things a) opens his jail cell with a rope he made from bed sheets b) rolls through a fire pit that has flame bursts on a schedule (which he remembers from decades earlier) c) tells Ed Harris after getting caught "frankly I think you're a fucking idiot". James Bond was never that cool.
4) Nicolas Cage has three really funny lines and delivers them like only he can. a) "yeah, allright, so that was the most awful thing I've ever seen." b) "How in the name of Zeus's butthole did you get out of your cell?" c) "You know I like history too and maybe when this is all over you and I can stop by the souvenir shop together but right now I just...I just want to find some rockets!"
5) At one point it was in the Criterion Collection along with Robocop and Armageddon.

6 (or so) Crazy Things About Ria Ramkissoon

1. She rejected her family's Hindu religion, became a devout Christian and joined One Mind Ministries, led by a 40-year-old woman who goes by the name Queen Antoinette.
2. When Queen Antoinette decreed her son was a demon since he refused to say "amen" after meals, she denied to give him food. So he died.
3. So she placed him in a suitcase with mothballs and fabric-softener sheets and let the Queen open the suitcase periodically and spray the interior with Lysol to mask the decomposition odor.
4. And then she and the cult moved to Philadelphia, and befriended a man who agreed to take care of their luggage before they left (the body was found over a year later, still inside the suitcase, in the man's storage shed.)
5. They put him in the suitcase because Queen Antoinette said God was going to raise Javon from the dead.' The resurrection never took place.
6. So now she is in jail. And she cut a deal with the prosecution. And here is the deal: She pleaded guilty in the starvation death of her son, but insisted that the charges be dropped when he is resurrected.

Note: In court Monday, it was clarified that the "resurrection clause" would apply only in the case of Javon's actual resurrection -- not a perceived reincarnation.

This post also titled: Today's Most Disturbing News Story, Or: Way to Go Prosecution! Or: Hey, Defense Attorneys, have you ever heard of the insanity plea? Or: Reasons why you shouldn't trust people who befriend you, ask you to take care of their luggage, and then move

The complete contents of my refrigerator (or why I need to go out for lunch today)

• almond butter
• six eggs
• 2/3 can wet cat food
• tub of catnip
• vermouth
• butter
• applesauce
• probiotic capsules
• omega 3-6-9 oil
• shredded coconut
• miso
• jam (two varieties)
• better than boullion (vegetarian)
• six bottles of various sparkling juices
• maple syrup
• rice milk
  

Least Favorite Bands I Accidentally Overhead at SXSW

#1, hands down: A Skylit Drive
Seriously, I dare you to listen to them. Then imagine it live.
http://www.myspace.com/askylitdrive

#2: Evangelicals
Oklahoma trash
http://www.myspace.com/evangelicals

Palladia, Or: Bands I Might Think I Like Because I am Delirious

A note from the list-maker, March 31, 5:29pm: I received Julie's challenge and logged on to the blog and see there is a list apparently written by me, in draft form. I barely (and I mean like, as if I was totally wasted barely, remember writing this, and until I saw it just now had forgotten all about it). But since we have been challenged I will click *Publish Post* instead of *Delete* so we can get closer to 31. This is unedited from when it was initially composed at 6am or whatever two nights/mornings ago. Or one night. I don't remember. It is all running together. I think there were about 3 other bands I wanted to include but couldn't remember who they were, so I just escaped out and went back to work. But good old blogger -- it saves shit for you even when you don't want to.....

So I have been up all night working and after realizing watching Saturday Night Live episodes on DVR was slowing me down, I changed the channel to HD Music, which apparently is called or partnered with or sponsored by something called Palladia. They are playing palatable music (which now that I write that I wonder if that has anything to do with it being called Palladia. Or not, that is just my brain not functioning at 5am). Anyway, here are some bands that I like more than I did 6 hours ago (for better or worse):

The Killers
Foo Fighters
Blue October

Of course now they are playing a video of "Life in the Fast Lane" from some live show presumably from The Eagles reunion tour or something, so nevermind.

To-Do vs. Actually Did

Sunday To-Do List

1. Go through mail
2. Vacuum
3. Clean bathroom
4. Clean up shoes - get rid of some

Sunday Actually Did List

1. Finish watching State of Play
   
2. Ponder brilliance
3. Take out trash
   
4. Watch I Love You, Man
   
5. Make dinner but don't quite get around to washing dishes
   

2 Shitty Weeks at Work: The Songs that Kept me Going

1. Stairway to Heaven - Rodrigo y Gabriela
2. To the Dogs or Whatever - Josh Ritter
3. And the Grief Goes On... - What Made Milwaukee Famous
4. Of Thee I Sing - Stan Getz
5. I'm Yours - Jason Mraz (tee hee)
   

Five Weird things we've found in pockets!

A list from my dry cleaner.

1. Viagra
2. Fake Bloody Finger
3. Check for $35,000
4. Man's leopard thong
5. Wedding Ring
   

American Idol List #3 (I am ashamed)

Last week's list is null and void. Here is the revision, upside down and in categories.
A bit of an overhaul.

Staying in the top 4:

• Matt - Still talented (piano).
  
• Kris - Still talented (guitar).
  

Moving to the top 4:

• Adam - It is amazing what a comb and some humility can do.
• Allison - The strain in her voice still scares me but I dug it tonight.
  

Please stop screaming! Did you not see what happened to Alexis Grace?

• Lil - What a shame.
  

Meh.

• Anoop - more like asleep. Ba dum.
  

Proudly staking the flag of Gokeyness into the most hated spot on my list, and rolling his arms in triumph afterward:

• Danny - Did he add more blond highlights? Did he get another pair of glasses? Would anyone really ever buy an album of his?
  

Reminders why I never watched this show before:

• Michael with the karaoke dance steps, pop concert smirks, man jewelry, and 110% y'all
• Megan with the pretty face, dress that matches her tattoo(!), and voice of an alarm clock
  
• and poor Scott --- now we know what it would have been like if Jim Henson had created Fozzie and Kermit as one character

Good grief those three were excruciating.

While You've Been Doing...Whatever It Is You Do, I've Been Loving...

Danny McBride in Eastbound and Down
Katy Perry in April Issue of Esquire
Keira Knightley in Atonement
I'm on a Boat, The Lonely Island
Robert Pattison in Twlight
The Life & Times of Tim
Reese Witherspoon at the Monsters vs. Aliens premeire
MSNBC's - First Read
Circus, Britney Spears
Johnny Depp in the Public Enemies Trailer

Dances To Learn

1. Hoedown Throwdown



2. Skin the Duck




Dances we know, according to this brilliant post:
1. The Electric Slide
2. The Macarena
3. The Twist
4. The Bunny Hop

Beauty Shop - the movie

After watching an E! true Hollywood story this morning i didn't change the channel , so i am watching the movie Beauty Shop...all I can say is Queen Latifah has a lot of friends...

• Queen Latifah
• Keisha Knight Pullam (yes - Rudy Huxtible (sp?)) -
• Sherri - the annoying chick from the view - who Tracy Morgan did a hilarious imitation of last Saturday
• Alicia Silverstone
• Andi MacDowell
• Wilmer Valderama
• Alfre Woodard
• Djimon Housnsou - (I had to look that one up on imdb)
• Mena Suvari
• Kevin Bacon

In summary, Queen Latifah works in fancy Atlanta Salon owned by Kevin Bacon (who is very funny actually). she gets mad and quits to open her own shop and can only afford to open one in the ghetto. and all sorts of quirky characters work in the new shop and takes small town hick shampoo girl Alicia Silverstone with her to the new shop. Her clients from the old salon (Mena Suvari and Andi MacDowell) start coming to new shop and Kevin Bacon gets mad and starts trying to take her down. I am not to the end yet, but I am assuming Queen Latifah's shop will become crazy famouns and we will learn a lesson about working hard and being nice to people and accepting people who are different.

Distractions

1. My growling stomach
2. People in the windows of the Driskill Hotel across the street
3. Recollection of the old lady who called back to me, "Make it great!" as she exited the elevator this morning
4. Making lists
5. Chitchat in the hallway
6. The sun
7. The fact that I can see (and hear) SXSW happening right outside

Today's Disturbing News Stories

Arrow Strikes Woman on NYC Street
A woman who was hit in the stomach with an arrow on a city street said Monday she at first thought she was hit by a baseball.

Woman Burned Alive at Gas Pump
An explosion and fire at a Colorado convenience store has killed a woman. Police in Colorado Springs say an 18-year-old woman was pumping gas when a pump caught fire after it was hit by a truck.

Woman Exercised Sick Husband to Death
Chris Mason was accused of recklessly exercising her frail husband to death. Ohio authorities suspected the transgendered woman was looking to cash in on her husband's retirement benefits [want to know how much that was? $900 a month].

These stories brought to you by 2theadvocate.com, DJ's local station.

And in seriously disturbing news I want to add that I am a little bit distraught about Natasha Richardson, but I am very grateful I will always have the recording of her warm and beautiful singing laugh on the Cabaret soundtrack.

The Order In Which I Hope People Get Booted off of American Idol

1. Adam Lambert. STFU 4ever. I hate him a lot.
2. The big fat oilfield services guy with the cheesy facial expressions and male jewelry. You are everything I hate about Marshall Texas.
   
3. Danny Gokey. I could do a separate list to rank the order in which I hate his Name, Outfits, Hair, Glasses, Sob Story, Song Choices, Dancing, and Facial Expressions.
   
4. The blind guy. He howls, and his hair is a mess.
5. Anoop Dog. Reminds me of Baylor making its way through the Big 12 tournament last weekend.
6. Allison the 16 year old. Everytime she sings I watch through my fingertips because I am worried her vocal cords are going to snap like cheap rubber bands and then her teeth will shoot out of her mouth.
   
7. Alexis Grace. I liked her at first but then she got drrty and now she won't shut up about it and also she oversings absolutely everything.
   
8. Megan Joy. I liked her at first but that shit gets old real quick. She is pretty to look at, though.
   
9. Matt. Good looking and he has actual talent (i.e., plays piano). I am worried he is going to get a little big for his britches (they need to lay off the JT comparisons stat).
   
10. Kris. Better looking (if you like monchichis) and has more appropriate talent (i.e., plays guitar). He won my heart with that cheesefest last night. ~fluttering eyelashes~
    
11. Lil. I think she is fun and I like her and she can sing and she does it in a way that is not boring karaoke. Bonus points for living in a hotel room with her husband and 3 kids and for making them say their prayers before bed on TV (I am a sucker). I hope she wins.

a bold prediction: I think someone in my 4 to 8 range is going home tonight, unfortunately. Why is America so stupid?!

10 Underrated Collection of Filmed Images You Should See

Chances are, you’ve all seen a handful of these, but it always comes as a shock as to which movies people just do not give due credit. Please note: The following list focuses on movies from 1980 and on...

10. An American Tail. One of my favorite animated movies from the 80s, primarily because the main character, a small Russian mouse named Fievel Mousekewitz, was the only animated Jewish person (or animal) I had come to know and love as a child (Gonzo not included.) And yet, you never hear about this movie! Clearly, an anti-semitical conspiracy. Somewhere out there, An American Tail Betamax tape is crying itself to sleep.

9. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. It almost feels like nobody saw this hilarious flick by the mastermind behind the Lethal Weapon series. Robert Downey Jr. is as delectable as a Marzipan Robert Downey Jr., and Val Kilmer plays a hilaaaaarious gay detective. Must see!

8. The Adventures of Milo & Otis. THE MOST ADORABLE CHILDREN’S MOVIE EVER MADE! R.I.P. Dudley Moore’s accent.

7. Gattaca. It’s Jude Law… on wheels. Plus, Gore Vidal is in it. As a buddy of mine put it, “It’s a good Ethan Hawke movie for people that don’t like Ethan Hawke.” And what’s not to like about a man whose mouth served as the inspiration for Teeth?

6. National Lampoon’s European Vacation. A comedy staple that was left out of the mainstream Swingline. One of the funniest movies ever made, right up until the last 30 minutes or so, where something I think called “plot” tries to take over and it loses some steam. Also, hands down the most underrated soundtrack EVER...Still, if you can forget for just a second that Chevy Chase is a selfish jerky alleged cokehead, you will love it.

5. Bottle Rocket. It’s Wes Anderson before he became “The” Wes Anderson. It’s Owen and Luke Wilson before they became “The Wilson Brothers.” It’s the same immigrant love story found in most of Wes Anderson’s movies, minus the pretentious race relations seen in, say, The Darjeeling Limited. OK, it’s not Rushmore, but we’re talking underrated people. And if you haven’t seen this, shame on you.

4. Die Hard With a Vengeance. Say what you will, the third installment to the Die Hard series remains my favorite Die Hard. Bruce Willis and Sam Jackson are on top of their comedic game, and if you thought Jeremy Irons was effable before (rent Damage to prove this point), you have no idea. Any Nazi fetishists out there? No? Moving on…

3. Six Degrees of Separation. To this day, my favorite Will Smith movie (after The Legend of Bagger Vance, obviously), Six Degrees was really the first movie to say: “Hey, Fresh Prince! Yeah, we know you’re on a prime-time sitcom playing the comic foil to an uptight Huxtableish family. But something tells us you would also make a bravura dramatic actor, in a role that requires you to be a stuck-up gay con artist.” The unbelievable Stockard Channing and Donald Sutherland round out this fantastic ensemble drama, which also features a young J.J. Abrams in his meatiest role to date.

2. The Man Without a Face. I have this tendency to clean my apartment while watching emotionally draining movies. Flashback: Man Without a Face starts on Starz, and I think: “Oh, Mel Gibson’s directorial debut will serve as a fantastic backdrop to my Swiffering ways!” Cut to me, 2 hours later, sitting in a pile of unfolded J. Crew boxer breifs, hysterically sobbing while repeating out loud, to no one in particular, “He just loves his teacher so much!” Sure, Gibson would go on to receive numerous awards from the Academy and ACLU, but does anyone EVER talk about how amazing this movie is? No, no they don’t. So let this be a little Jewish olive branch from me to Mel, saying “Hey! I may have caused all the wars in the world. But you’ve caused all the tear stains on this here pillowcase.” And for that, sir, we are even.

1. The Talented Mr. Ripley. Hands down, the most Underrated Movie Ever. I’ve long said it’s the most beautiful movie ever made — the cast includes an adorkably murdery Matt Damon, a fresh off God’s heaven cloud Jude Law, and my first love Gwynnie Paltrow; the locales include some of the most beautiful cities Europe has to offer. And while the world showered director Anthony Minghella’s other movie with dozens of accolades, Ripley sort of fell off the map. For God’s sake, it’s the movie that proved both Law and Damon to be reputable actors. And if that hasn’t convinced you: James Muthaf**king Rebhorn, ya’ll!

1997: My Favorite Albums

• Emmylou Harris - Wrecking Ball
• Radiohead - OK Computer
• Lyle Lovett - Joshua Judges Ruth
• Wilco - Being There
• Cat Stevens - Footsteps in the Dark
  

Context
Age: 25
School: Applying to Graduate School
Work: Leaving LA for a summer of unemployment in Marshall
Fashion: The good: Purchased by Mia. The bad: Purchased here.
Status: Aspirational, Aware of Cluelessness, Nerd

The Top of My TiVo Now Playing List

• Gossip Girl
• Tough Love
• Mad Men
• Au Pair 3: Adventure in Paradise
• The Office
• A Company of Voices: Conspirare in Concert
• Mad Men
• The Office
  

Things I Have Done Since Moving Back Home

• Not had a drink in 9 days
• Watched every episode of 'The Mentalist' I could find online
• Learned 7 new songs on keyboard to play with my brother's cover band "Spiked Punch"
• Gone running twice
• Signed my mom up for netflix
  
• Watched Synecdoche, Ny, Transporter 3, The Haunting of Molly Hartley
• Found out that I CANNOT transfer whatever pathetic credits I may have had from 15 years ago
• Driven my mom to Home Depot 17 times so she can slowly build her mantle
• Read "How to write Treatments that sell" and bought "Screenwriting for dummies" (the latter has yet to be read)
• Applied for 5 jobs all of which have yet to contact me
• Felt really really sorry for myself :(
  

Things That Make Me Happy Right Now

1. Reading About Myself - Even though my personality type is called The Duty Fulfiller (glamorous!), I can also have "an offbeat sense of humor and can be a lot of fun - especially at family or work-related gatherings."
   
2. The Fug Girls' Brackets - I promise that I will follow this much more closely than That Other March Madness ($5 bball buy-in be damned).
3. Young Love
4. A Pet Story That Is Not Really A Pet Story
   

Questionable Taste

excerpted list of things said in an instant message conversation re: *Watchmen* and Billy Crudup's blue peen:

Ron: oh wow...guess i wasn't expecting that 5:40:06 PM
Blaine: i heard , i dont know 5:40:13 PM
Ron: im completely turned off now that I see its soooooo loooong 5:40:56 PM
the movie, not the junk 5:41:03 PM
Blaine: DAAHAHA 5:47:43 PM

The Movies That Made Me Who I Am (aka, Challenge Accepted)

• The Sandlot (I liked baseball as a kid...)
• Major League (...really liked, and gratuitous cursing)
• Top Gun
• E.T.
• The Monster Squad
• The Big Lebowski
• Monty Python and the Holy Grail
• Friday (I was in the 8th grade for a long time)
• The Sixth Sense (the only movie I've ever watched, rewound, and watched again)
• The Dark Knight (no, shit; probably 40 times now - I have issues, and ChrisNolan is one of them)

The 10 Movies I'VE Seen Most Often (in order of how they came to my mind just now)

You can probably tell that my repeat movie-watching heyday was...not recent.

• Sixteen Candles
• The Golden Child
• When Harry Met Sally
• Postcards From the Edge
• Girls Just Want to Have Fun
• Iron Eagle
• Once Bitten
• Crocodile Dundee
• Tank
• Zapped!
  

Movies I Have Seen the Most Times in a Theater

in approximate order of release date accompanied by (should be actual) number of times seen (in the theater)

* Star Wars (IV) - at least 8
* The Golden Child - impossible to count
(this movie was a fixture at the Marshall Twin Cinema circa 1987 and I (and probably Julie too) watched it two times a night, two nights a weekend, for several months. Also at the Marshall Twin Cinema a few times: *Pee Wee's Big Adventure* and *Inner Space*)
* Backdraft - 4
* Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves -4
* Edward Scissorhands - 4
* Reality Bites - 3
* The Bodyguard - 4
* Shallow Grave - 3 (twice in one day)
* Hands on a Hard Body - 5
* Dazed and Confused - 3
* No Country for Old Men - 3

I reserve the right to add to this if I think of anything else.

Movies I've walked out of (at the theater)

I was trying to think of movies I've seen the opposite of the most times and the closest thing I could come up with was movies I've walked out of. Somehow this list is much shorter than I imagined it would be...

In order of walking out:

Soul Man
Milo and Otis
Titanic
Bringing Out the Dead
The Pursuit of Happyness

The 10 movies I've seen most often (in order of when first seen)

• Mary Poppins
• The Jerk
• Grease
• Breakfast Club
• Dirty Dancing
• When Harry Met Sally
• Hair
• The Matrix
• Fight Club
  
• Joe Dirt
  

San Antonio

I was in San Antonio this week for work. Here are some things I do not like about San Antonio.

• The freeway system. I got so frustrated I actually tried to figure out what person or agency I could call to lodge complaints. I have since calmed down but it is very annoying.
  
• The allergens. I had finally stopped sneezing until one day in San Antonio.
  
• People won't stop talking about the fucking tortillas. I mean, people talk about the Mexican food in general like it is the only place on earth you can find *good Mexican food* but then they go on and on about the tortillas. I noticed this because EVERYONE did it. Even the people who had no idea what they were talking about.
• No one knows that the Battle of the Alamo occurred on March 6th. I had to tell everyone I talked to and then each person looked at me like I was the freak.
• The so-called nice hotel had the shittiest TV. Lil Rounds sounded all fuzzy.
  
• When people say "San Antone." Drives me absolutely crazy. Like, punch-you-in-the-face crazy.
  

Things I like about San Antonio:

• The tortillas
• also the cheese enchiladas
• The landscaping
  
• The Ghostbusters building
  
• The Alamo
• Pee Wee Herman
  

My New Neighbors: An Ongoing Study

EMPIRICAL FACTS

1. Unit adjacent to my own is inhabited by 3 women, early twenties, possible recent college graduates.

2. Welcome mat outside of unit reads “Live, Laugh, Love”.

3. At approximately 8pm Saturday evening, I observed signs suggesting the early stages of a party. Terrible music being played at an especially loud volume, roving packs of douchedudes pouring out of cars and high-fiving their way to the unit, and a small brunette girl smoking a cigarette on the balcony who squealed “Hiyeee!” as I walked to my car.

4. The following morning I discovered a lipstick-stained Silo cup containing the last few sips of a mysterious pinkish/red beverage and a half-smoked slim cigarette in the exterior hallway outside of my own apartment.

5. A few moments later, one of said douchedudes - who I recognized from his tight black t-shirt with sparkly sequinned designs - came stumbling out of Live, Laugh and Love’s unit, then proceeded to the tricked out Toyota Camry where his boys were reverently waiting for their more “lucky” compatriot.

6. A few hours later, while passing the “Live, Laugh, Love” unit on my way to our parking garage, the three suspected neighbors emerged, tittering about brunch, followed by a trail of wake & bake pot smoke. I observed that their dress was much in the style of Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie circa three years ago, and noticed one of them talking to a squirrel in the front yard, inexplicably referring to it as “Joe”.

7. Last night I noted that one of the wireless networks displayed on my computer has been named “3Hookers”.

The investigation continues.

1992: My Favorite Albums

Albums

1. Lyle Lovett -- Joshua Judges Ruth
2. Annie Lennox -- Diva
3. The Proclaimers -- Sunshine on Leith
4. Enya -- Shepherd Moons
5. Toad the Wet Sprocket -- Fear
6. Dwight Yoakam -- If There Was a Way
   

Soundtracks

1. Dances With Wolves
   
2. The Last of the Mohicans
   
3. Howards End
   
4. Far and Away
   
5. The Big Easy
   

Context
Age: 20
School: RTF Student, UT
Work: Part Time, Home Video Plus
Fashion: Flannel shirts, Hiking boots, Hair
Status: Aspirational, Somewhat Clueless, Nerd

colors i am thinking of painting my living room

per sherwin-williams....in no particular order

• oceanside
• cote d'azur
• maxi teal
• poseidan
• green bay
• amalfi (that one is just for candice)
• blue nile

i highly recommend the sherwin-williams website - they have sample rooms that you can paint. it is kinda mesmerizing....

not a list - but an explanation of my found list

I finally asked my brother about the list...it has something to do with the Decemberists releasing 3 EPs - each with a man, woman, and girl on the cover, and him organizing them in itunes. The real explanation is much longer than that, but I stopped paying attention.

10 Songs To Help You Get Through These Tough Economic Times

10. Got Money by Lil Wayne
“I need a Winn-Dixie grocery bag full of money.” Yes. We all do Mr. Wayne.

9. Can’t Tell Me Nothing by Kanye West
Maybe this song helps you escape into the egomaniacal fantasy land of Kanye West. Or maybe it’s a message about living beyond your means. Either way - make sure you look really indignant when listening to this on your morning commute.

8. Every song by Rage Against The Machine
F******************CK EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. She Works Hard For The Money by Donna Summer
Do you think it’s easy giving thirty to forty hand jobs a day??? You better treat me right!

6. Every song by Jewel
She lived out of her car you guys. She KNOWS what we’re going through.

5. Man In The Mirror by Michael Jackson
Self-explanatory.

4. My Heart Will Go On (Love Theme from Titanic) by Celine Dion
You’re stranded on a piece of debris in the middle of the icy waters…and you’re hanging on to your 401(k). Your 401(k) says to you, “Puh-puh-puh-puh-lease…n-n-n-n-never let g-g-go…,” and then, you realize, your 401(k) has died. BUT YOUR HEART WILL GO ON!...stupid, utterly stupid

3. Mo’ Money Mo’ Problems by Notorious B.I.G.
IF Mo Money = Mo Problems, THEN, No Money = No Problems. You’re welcome. They don’t call me Ronald “Good Will Hunting” Rucker for nothin’.

2. Chariots Of Fire Theme by Vangelis
Investing in the stock market is a marathon - not a sprint. Remember that.

1. My Little Buttercup by The Three Amigos
Because there’s never a time when this song ISN’T helpful. Though playing this on loop while drinking alone staring at a loaded pistol is not advisable.

Facebook Status Updates

I see there is a post in "draft" titled "Boring Facebook Wall Posts." This reminded me of the day following the election where all of my redneck East Texas friends chose to voice their opinions through their Facebook status.

Enjoy

-is planning his move to Costa Rica!

-is convinced that a major mistake has been made with such a tragic victory.

-is hoping all those young bucks who "got out and voted" will pay attention in the next four years. You'll get a lesson in liberal economics.

-is very sad for our country. And I hope everyone prays that God can help us through this.

-what is America Thinking!

-can't believe we found a bigger turd than Clinton.

-is very scared for the next 4 years to come.
---me too hon :(
----we are too. Let's just hope we are all alive to vote again in 4 years.

-can't believe we found the scum of the earth to be leader of the free world, but at least I can say I told you so..

-is still hoping that this is just a nightmare that she'll wake up from....

-is speechless and is def clinging.....

-is thinking that maybe now is a good time to move to the UAE.

-is God help us all....

-is worried about our country...scary times ahead!
---ME too Stacey, just pray!

-is sick to his stomach.. thanks to all of you who participated in this protest election.. also wondering what property values in Mexico look like after this.

-bets Lee Greenwood is not pleased today.

-is thinking that America's screwed. Guess we will have Obama to thank when our country has gone to shit....

-is packing up her family and moving to another country! I sure hope America knows what they are doing!
---i'm ready to go too!! :sigh: we are in for some sad times ahead!
----We are in for some scary times. I hope and pray for our kiddos that we will be safe and we'll be allowed to keep enough of our hard earned money to get them educated.

-loves my money, religion and guns....

-is pro life, guns, the American Flag, and troops in Iraq.

-is hoping America is smart enough to not elect an East African Muslim Terrorist loving, American Hating, Unqualified, Racist as the leader of our country!

-I guess I should go buy a gun today before I'm no longer able to! I hate politics!!
---oh i know..im tired of all this "hope" stuff...when these people get off their obama high and realize what he's really about i'll be there to say "i told you so". america was not meant to be a socialist nation. uhh...talk about frustrating.

Gutless Oscar Predictions

Best Picture: Slumdog Millionaire
Best Actor: Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler
Best Actress: Kate Winslet, The Reader
Best Supporting Actor: Heath Ledger, The Dark Knight
Best Supporting Actress: Penelope Cruz, Vicky Cristina Barcelona
Director: Danny Boyle, Slumdog Millionaire
Adapted Screenplay: Slumdog Millionaire
Original Screenplay: Milk
Animated Feature: WALL-E
Foreign Language Film: Waltz With Bashir
Art Direction: The Dark Knight
Cinematography: Slumdog Millionaire
Original Score: Slumdog Millionaire
Original Song: Slumdog Millionaire
Costumes: Benjamin Button
Editing: Slumdog Millionaire
Makeup: The Dark Knight
Visual Effects: Benjamin Button
Sound Mixing: Slumdog Millionaire
Sound Editing: Slumdog Millionaire
Animated Short: La Maison en Petits Cubes
Documentary Short: The Conscience of Nhem En
Documentary Feature: Man on Wire
Live Action Short: Spielzeugland

Yet Another "Best of" List...Get Over it

The Soaps

5. Entourage. You know, as much as I talk about Entourage, I don’t truly consider it one of my “favorite” shows. It’s a good show, but I mostly make it a point to watch every week just to have something to follow — it’s not unlike the one character in Slaughterhouse Five who takes a sh*t at the same time every day just so he has something he can control that the Germans can never take away from him. (Flawless analogy? Check.)

4. South Park. Hits some weeks, misses some other weeks, but it’s always worth watching for that reason. It’s also remained fiercely topical and one of the few legit sources of satire outside Colbert and The Daily Show, and nearly every episode contains at least one moment that simply won’t give up until you relent into giddy laughter.

3. Saturday Night Live. If ever a show in 2008 brought me back to my middle school days, it was SNL. Little does this show realize it had the pleasure of spending many a Saturday night live with me (yes, ME!) in my bedroom, knee socks stretched to their limits, sorbet spoon firmly placed in mouth, as I waited to see how Sarah Palin was to be lampooned by the deservedly praise-lavished Tina Fey, not to mention brilliant performances by Kristen Wiig ("Surprise Party" is a gem) and my personal favorite Fred Armisen. We were also lucky enough to see some dramatic actors push their comedic limit (Jon Hamm comes to mind), and that you should never, ever let a swimmer host the show again, no matter how many medals he has, because he probably can’t read. (Mark Spitz is so mad at me right now.)

2. Lost. Season 4 was the best Lost season yet. There aren’t any word combinations in the English language that haven’t been said about this show already, so I see no need to explain this inclusion further.

1. Mad Men. I initially groaned at the prospects of having yet another series to catch up on and more spoilers to avoid, but two iTunes purchases and one lengthy breakup later, I finally became privy to the current best show on television. It’s got the Sopranos' sense of humor and moral bankruptcy mixed with an eerily convincing 60s aesthetic, terrific characters, and more smoke than Good Night and Good Luck and Backdraft combined. Here’s hoping for a long, Sopranos-like stay on television too, only minus the 3-year gaps.

The Flicks

5. In Bruges. McDonaugh is a master of the dark comedy, and I don’t mean “dark comedy” as “buzzphrase for unfunny mean-spirited crap like Very Bad Things,” but more along the lines of “laugh-out-loud irreverence and also people get shot.” This movie not only proved that it’s possible to laugh with Colin Farrell, but also guaranteed that my next vacation will be to the city of Bruges — no city has been portrayed more breathtakingly in any film I can recall (aside from Manhattan in the movie Highlander, of course). A semi-cheesy twist in the final minutes knocked this film from “A” to “A-” territory, but it’s still a perfect Netflixer.

4. Burn After Reading. I can’t remember the last time I came out of a movie saying “you know, I don’t think I’ve ever seen another film quite like that,” without promptly adding “what a load of pretentious artsy sh*tf*ck.” (SIC) I spent the entire first sixty minutes of Burn After Reading trying to figure out why the hell I was watching it and what any one thing had to to with any other thing, and then somehow, I left the theater feeling wholly and completely satisfied. I realize this description makes no sense if you haven’t seen the movie, so I’ll just end with, “More like, Love After Seeing!” Is it too late to get that quote on a one sheet?

3. Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Every Woody Allen movie hits way too close to home, even magical European fairy tales about wealthy, beautiful artists; surely more than a few audience members gulped with personal recognition when Scarlett Johansson’s character was described as “someone who doesn’t know what she wants, only what she doesn’t want,” or when Javier Bardem uttered the axiom “only unfulfilled love can be romantic.” Personally, I related to the threesome with ScarJo and Penelope Cruz, because trust me, that is exactly what it’s like.

2. Man On Wire. I’m an automatic sucker for just about any documentary, but this story of French tightrope walker Philippe Petit’s illegal 1974 high-wire performance between the Twin Towers was a life-affirming celebration of everything awesome, including a convincing definition of “art” as unselfconscious, inexplicable beauty. Plus every quote from the absurd, lovably-European Petit is hilarious; if you’re a fan of Billy Mitchell from last year's The King of Kong this is now your favorite movie. Hell, it probably will be anyway.

1b. Slumdog Millionaire. Before you even say anything, allow me to explain: I realize all the problems with this movie. It’s heavy-handed. Manipulative. Completely unbelievable and almost a touch too shmaltzy. The leads had very little chemistry. Blah blah blah GUESS WHAT? I LIKED IT ANYWAY, OK? Yeah, that’s right! I liked the use of a Game Show to move the plot along. Mmmhmm! You know what else? I felt BAD for Jamal! With my human, beating heart, I did! I loved this movie! So take your high-brow ass out of my FACE before I get angry!

1a. The Dark Knight. Not much to say about this movie that hasn’t been said already. And if this is too obvious of a #1 selection for you, then flip-flop it with Man On Wire and suddenly behold my unique and insightful movie list!

Honorable Mentions: Wall-E, Iron Man, Tropic Thunder, There Will Be Blood (IT. WAS. THAT. GOOD.).

Biggest Disappointments: Australia, Pineapple Express, Baby Mama, Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Where Knowledge Was Their Treasure.

5 Scary Things for Friday the 13th

1. The Jenny Humphrey Fashion Show (I will never get over it)

2. Sandy, the bus driver, on the new season of Survivor

3. 30th Floor Happy Hour, tonight, Pub Fiction

4. the inner workings of my body

5. And for the fifth, the obligatory Oscar post, choose-your-own-adventure-style:

A. The Joker
B. Mickey Rourke, Oscar Nominee
C. Baby with Old Man Face

10 Things I'm Loving Right Now

Pedro Almodóvar
Joseph Gordon-Levitt in Brick (bonus points for sharing a birthday)
Jim & Dwight in "Lecture Circuit: Part I", The Office
Watchmen Trailer #3
Chuck Bass
Rebecca Hall in Vicky Cristina Barcelona
Friday Night Lights
January Jones in Mad Men, Season 1
Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs, C.Klosterman
Quiet contemplation about things lost, opportunities missed

My Favorite Comments

I really only have one:

#1.

Construction Staffing said...

Of all the trade position in the commercial and industrial construction industry electrician staffing is the most frequently requested service from project contractors and sub-contractors. Electricians are required on every job; including, mines.

Staffing qualified and licensed Electricians in every state would have been a massive challenge for any company; however, with the internet tools of today that task is easy if you have your hands in the right cookie jar. The internet brings people together and puts them to work in the toughest of economies.

Electrician Staffing is a job for a skilled industrial construction staffing company, the tools must be in place to keep in touch with workers, provide real time quotes to project owners and contractors, and provide payroll services so you can focus on what’s really important – Getting the job done safely!

http://www.gruspersonnel.com

February 11, 2009 1:19 PM

Comment on "Electrician List #1: What People Called the Sharpies"

List my brother made that I found on my coffee table

this list makes no sense at all thoughts anyone?

3 Days 1 MAN
2 0 New Girl
6 A record year WOMAN
5 Im sticking with you MAN
1 Valerie Girl
4 Days Long MAN
7 Raincoat WOMAN

At first I thougth is was something related to a wii game, like a code or something, but maybe it is a playlist...i know I'm Sticking With you is a song. I am terrible with song names, and what is with the MAN, Girl, WOMAN lables?

Happy Birthday, Jon!

Things that will always and forever remind me of Jon Merrill, like the way I feel like I'm in 3rd grade (for the first time) when I smell Hot Fries, in the best way possible...

• Sting
• Tori Amos
  
• red shoes
• orange cars
• grape vodka*
• screwdrivers
  
• Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, as sung by Harry Connick Jr.
  
• Crimson Tide and Sleepless in Seattle
• Beetlejuice and Groundhog Day
• Mother's Boys (one of my most favorite things ever)*
• Jamie Lee Curtis, in general (on account of how Mother's Boys is one of my most favorite things ever)
• Mr. Jones (the movie -- not that I think of it that often but, oh, when I do)
• Jeff Bridges in Fearless, The Big Lebowski, and The Vanishing*
• Matt Damon in Rounders, The Departed, and The Good Shepherd
• Fight Club
• Previews
  
• Infomercials (esp. Dr. Ho, the upside-down trash bag, and the slot machines)*
• Trivia*
• Poker
• 5am casino breakfasts*
  
• Pretty much every time someone says something funny
• Every single time someone says something stupid*
  

*Alternate list: Reasons I wish Jon lived in Houston

10 Great Movies That Got Terrible Reviews

The Oscars are great and all, but for just a brief moment, I’d like to take the time to recognize a particularly endearing cross-section of films that never gets enough respect. The following are a list of ten truly terrific movies that were panned by critics upon their release, just because of their “low browness,” their narrative flaws (re: not having stories, plots, etc), or, most of all, because they’re all pretty funny and comedy can never really be considered “great.”

10. Anchorman: What exactly is the “one” joke in Anchorman’s so-called “one-joke premise”? Cause I’m pretty sure there are a bunch of jokes in it. In fact, the movie is nothing but a bunch of jokes all in a row. Is the “one joke” that the movie is only many jokes? And by that logic, could we call Paradise Lost a one-moral premise, cause it’s nothing more than a series of moral explorations? (Answer: Definitely)

9. Pootie Tang: A flick so totally and completely absurd that it’s almost poetic. Also, the film has Kristin Bell and David Cross in it so technically it's illegal to not like it.

8. Super Troopers: Far too many critics got wrapped up in the empty characterizations of the cops and the “low brow” implications of their gags to just enjoy the bevy of innocuously quotable lines and the movie’s self-deprecating triumph. Also, stop calling it “frat humor.” It’s not. I f*cking hate frats, and frats hate me, and yet we both find this movie humorous.

7. The Cable Guy: The only thing we heard about this movie in the five months surrounding its release was Jim Carrey’s $20 million pricetag, prompting automatic critical backlash about how egregiously Carrey didn’t deserve the money with no one actually loosening up and watching the damn (stupid) movie. Dietrich usedta make twenty beans’a picsha, ya see? Not money, actual beans! So this movie’s no good!

6. Zoolander: Uh oh — get out your fashion-related jabs, critics, cause Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson are at the top of their game, pre-coasting, and revelling in the opportunity to play the two most ridiculous characters they possibly can! Also this movie’s portrayal of the fashion industry is not wholly accurate! Grrr!!

5. Coming To America: Murphy’s enegry level is sooooo looooowww!! Why couldn’t he have been more upbeat, like that fast-talking barber? And there’s way too much exposition!! It takes like ten minutes for them to come to America! Why is the movie called that then??? Sidenote: Are there any actual non-critic humans who don’t like this movie?

4. Wet Hot American Summer: I don’t totally blame the critics on this one, as I'm admittidly unfamiliar with the Wain/Showalter aesthetic and can see how some might find the brand of humor a bit exclusive, but that being said, I totally blame the critics on this one.

3. Billy Madison: I didn’t expect critics from non middle-school newspapers to howl through this movie three times in the theater in the first week it came out like all of us did, but surely they can recognize when a megastar simply nails down his demographic with a fearlessly wacky 90-minute gagfest? They can’t? Oh, that sucks.

2. Dumb and Dumber: I love when critics treat “lowbrow comedy” as something that should be inherently dismissed because God has damned it to the shallow end of the Social Darwinism pool, like they’re Victorian aristrocrats making haughty cracks about “the lower class” over brandy with cigars in it. We have to realize — all lowbrow comedy is the same, and by that right, we are worse humans for ever deriving pleasure from it.

1. Caddyshack: Caddyshack??? Caddyf*ckingshack?? The most nonthreateningly likeable, impossibly watchable comedy classic that everyone from ages negative ten to infinity plus one f*cking loves? What kind of joyless existence must these people live?

HONORABLE MENTIONS: UHF, Rookie of the Year, Die Hard With a Vengeance, Happy Gilmore, Ghostbusters 2, countless others.

The most disturbing thing I've ever found on craigslist

1) This is the first listing I came across. Seems innocent enough...

My boyfriend and I have a large apartment that he has converted the back dining room into a nice sized room with a big back window. It is across the apartment from our room. The room is furnished. The only drawback is that the bathroom is located in our room which is the master bedroom, but we have had one roommate before and the situation worked out fine. The only reason she left was to get married.
My boyfriend is in his 40's and I am in my 50's. We are non-drinkers and non-smokers. We are very kind and laid-back people and have a wonderful dog who is well behaved and very smart.
We live in West Plano off of Springcreek and Independence.
We are not charging a deposit. We have both needed help before and therefore we are hoping to help someone else with cheap rent and all utilities paid.

Females only, PLEASE!

Please call David at (972)639-2394.

2) Then, THREE DAYS LATER, I found this posting:

Looking for a nice woman in her 40's or 50's or early 60's to share our apt. We have an extra room we have converted into a bedroom. The room is furnished.
Now here's the deal. We are an open minded couple who would like to have fun with our roommate if you know what I mean. You would not be required to pay any rent but help with groceries and electric.
Females only and non drinkers only.
Please call David at (972) 639-2394

Um....(dry heave)....how do you think it went when someone responded to the first ad?

10 Shameless Attempts To Win An Oscar

Tis' the season...

10. Angelina Jolie, Changeling: Missing child? Check. Period and historical context? Check. Portraying person from real life who moans like Dwight Schrute and throws herself against a bunch of walls? Checky check. For the record, this movie is way funnier if you imagine it’s Angelina in real life after she doesn’t win the Oscar this year. See also: Angelia Jolie, A Mighty Heart.

9. Denzel Washington, The Hurricane: In all honesty, my love for all things Mr. Washington knows no bounds...but come on Academy, how many times does the guy have to say “Hate put me in here…but loves' gunna bust me out!” before you shower him with gold statues? Answer: however many times he said it in Training Day...

8. Robin Williams, Patch Adams: Ol' Hairy Knuckes McGee didn’t even get nominated for his portrayal of a speech-giving doctor who goes to court a lot, has magical butterflies land on him, and blasts deafening string music so loudly, it kills his wife. They really should have just gone the extra step and given that butterfly AIDS.

7. Cuba Gooding Jr, Radio: A decade after his Supporting Actor Oscar (yuck...), CBJ attempted to re-legitimize his career by ditching crap comedies and making, instead, the single funniest movie of all time.

6. Ben Kingsley, Gandhi: I love how Ben Kingsley’s such a frickin’ good actor, no one cared that he donned brownface and spoke in a Don Rickles-style Indian voice to nab the most automatic Oscar-winning role in the history of history. The role of Martin Luther King is still up for grabs, though… Jude Law, anyone? Clive Owen?

5. Will Smith, The Pursuit of Happyness: I got gypped out of that Oscar for playing Muhammad Ali, so I have to win for playing homeless single dad defying odds and cultural bounds, right? Maybe if I just keep playing this piano and grabbing this symbolic fence, people won’t notice how vague my life advice is…

4. Emma Thompson, Howard’s End: Discussing lust and property value with Sir Anthony Hopkins in the periodest period piece that ever perioded? I’m surprised the Academy waited 'til the Oscar ceremony to give her the award instead of just whipping it at the screen when they saw this movie.

3. Tom Hanks, The 1990s: What’s the fastest way to go from starring in buddy comedies opposite a pooch to being an A+++ +lister? How about getting AIDS then being retarded and causing all of American history to happen in back to back Oscar seasons? Nowadays, Hanks is so goddamn legit, we almost gave him an award for that episode of “Survivor” he filmed.

*2. Sean Penn, I Am Sam: OMG, you mean retarded dads can love too?? Whaa?????? I thought retarded people were just evil and couldn’t have kids and if they did have kids they hated them, but I was shown the error in my beliefs by Sean Penn’s courageous Jerry Lewis impression!

* - These comments brought to you by: Questionable Taste. Questionable Taste: Making you hate me a little bit more each day.

1. Julia Roberts, Erin Brokovich: Would this movie have been any different if they’d just filmed Julia Roberts slam-dunking an Oscar through a basketball hoop? Well, yeah, then we wouldn’t have seen the cartoonish naysayers who don’t believe in Erin Brokovich say “Well I never!” and have their monocles fall into their martinis then they drink the monocles by mistake then spit them out when Erin Brokovich accomplishes another thing that they cannot believe! She’s a wooooommmmaaaannnn, people!!!

Honorable Mentions: Jim Carrey in Man On The Moon/The Majestic, Helen Mirren in The Queen, Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man, Holly Hunter in The Piano, Ed Harris in Pollock

Today's Contents of My Office Mailbox (which I have checked a mere 3 times in 1.5 yrs of employment)

in increasing order of funniness (to me)


5.) A birthday card dated Dec. 1, 2008.

4.) An invitation to the LSU Law 2008 Distinguished Alumnus Banquet to be held on October 30, 2008

3.) A map of downtown Baton Rouge (where I have lived practically all my life and am quite familiar) sent interoffice from someone with girly handwriting. Date unknown

2.) A packet of seeds. Date unknown

1.) A yellowed USA Today newspaper clipping on Lost entitled "Readers imagine living islands and talkings dogs" dated April 24, 2008. It appears to have been saved for 4 months and sent interoffice by P.Jenkins some time in July.

7 people I am totally in love with even though I am at least 10 years too old (if not 20) to feel this way

• Aleksandra
• Ellen
• Gareth
• Harriet
• Neil
• Ollie
• Tom

Happy Birthday, Candice!

Things I would buy Candice for her birthday if I had a million dollars

• Britney Spears concert tix
• Studio space
• Vacation to Tahoe
• Some real gaudy, awesome diamond something or other
• A bag of treats
  
• Schwann's franchise for Houston
• Mini-Cooper
• iPhone
• Container Store gift certificate
  
• the hat Aretha Franklin wore at the inauguration

10 Things That Are Bothering Me Right Now

1. Leonardo Dicaprio was not nominated for Best Actor.
   
2. I am not as good at my job as I used to be.
3. I am hungry.
   
4. I am unable to make decisions because I am paralyzed by fear of their consequences.
5. My shirt is covered in tiny, almost unnoticeable, stains.
   
6. I think I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
7. My face is so, so round.
   
8. Facebook has become a habit, not a diversion.
   
9. I am unable to fully appreciate Benjamin Button because of Forrest Gump.
10. I can't remember, or never knew, who that old lady character on LOST is.
    

Why not? Oscar nod predictions...

Picture:
1) Curious Case 2) Slumdog 3) Milk 4) Revolutionary Road 5)Wall-E

Director:
1) Fincher 2) Boyle 3) Mendes 4) Van Sant 5) Christopher Nolan (why not?)

Actor:
1) Rourke 2) Penn 3) Langella 4) DiCaprio 5) Richard Jenkins

Actress:
1)Jolie 2) Winslet 3) Streep 4) Hawkins 5) Blanchett

Too tired to do any more....

tragic Oscar oversights (acting only, since 2000)

• 2007 - Samantha Morton, Control
• 2006 - Catherine O'Hara, For Your Consideration
• 2005 - Ralph Fiennes, The Constant Gardener
• 2004 - Mark Wahlberg, I Heart Huckabees
• 2003 (aka, worst year ever, thank you Renee Zellweger)
• Paul Bettany, Master and Commander
• Catherine O'Hara , A Mighty Wind
• Uma Thurman, Kill Bill
  
• Miranda Richardson, Spider
• Paul Giamatti, American Splendor
• Hope Davis, American Splendor
• Patricia Clarkson, The Station Agent

• 2002 - Michelle Pfeiffer, White Oleander
  
• 2001 - Gene Hackman, The Royal Tenenbaums
  
• 2000 (tie, but I'm screwed because I'd only kick out Juliette Binoche)
  
• Bjork, Dancer in the Dark
  
• Gillian Anderson, The House of Mirth

This post brought to you by my extreme concern that Leonardo Dicaprio and/or Kate Winslet will not get nominated for Revolutionary Road tomorrow morning. Thank you for listening.

6 Movies That Make Me Cry No Matter How Many Times I Watch Them

(not including animated movies which are ridiculous)

• Field of Dreams
• Dogfight
• Dancer in the Dark
• Men Don't Leave
• The Trip to Bountiful
• A River Runs Through It