- Reading About Myself - Even though my personality type is called The Duty Fulfiller (glamorous!), I can also have "an offbeat sense of humor and can be a lot of fun - especially at family or work-related gatherings."
- The Fug Girls' Brackets - I promise that I will follow this much more closely than That Other March Madness ($5 bball buy-in be damned).
- Young Love
- A Pet Story That Is Not Really A Pet Story
Monday, March 16, 2009
Things That Make Me Happy Right Now
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Questionable Taste
excerpted list of things said in an instant message conversation re: *Watchmen* and Billy Crudup's blue peen:
Ron: oh wow...guess i wasn't expecting that 5:40:06 PM
Blaine: i heard , i dont know 5:40:13 PM
Ron: im completely turned off now that I see its soooooo loooong 5:40:56 PM
the movie, not the junk 5:41:03 PM
Blaine: DAAHAHA 5:47:43 PM
Ron: oh wow...guess i wasn't expecting that 5:40:06 PM
Blaine: i heard , i dont know 5:40:13 PM
Ron: im completely turned off now that I see its soooooo loooong 5:40:56 PM
the movie, not the junk 5:41:03 PM
Blaine: DAAHAHA 5:47:43 PM
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
The Movies That Made Me Who I Am (aka, Challenge Accepted)
- The Sandlot (I liked baseball as a kid...)
- Major League (...really liked, and gratuitous cursing)
- Top Gun
- E.T.
- The Monster Squad
- The Big Lebowski
- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
- Friday (I was in the 8th grade for a long time)
- The Sixth Sense (the only movie I've ever watched, rewound, and watched again)
- The Dark Knight (no, shit; probably 40 times now - I have issues, and ChrisNolan is one of them)
The 10 Movies I'VE Seen Most Often (in order of how they came to my mind just now)
You can probably tell that my repeat movie-watching heyday was...not recent.
- Sixteen Candles
- The Golden Child
- When Harry Met Sally
- Postcards From the Edge
- Girls Just Want to Have Fun
- Iron Eagle
- Once Bitten
- Crocodile Dundee
- Tank
- Zapped!
Movies I Have Seen the Most Times in a Theater
in approximate order of release date accompanied by (should be actual) number of times seen (in the theater)
* Star Wars (IV) - at least 8
* The Golden Child - impossible to count
(this movie was a fixture at the Marshall Twin Cinema circa 1987 and I (and probably Julie too) watched it two times a night, two nights a weekend, for several months. Also at the Marshall Twin Cinema a few times: *Pee Wee's Big Adventure* and *Inner Space*)
* Backdraft - 4
* Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves -4
* Edward Scissorhands - 4
* Reality Bites - 3
* The Bodyguard - 4
* Shallow Grave - 3 (twice in one day)
* Hands on a Hard Body - 5
* Dazed and Confused - 3
* No Country for Old Men - 3
I reserve the right to add to this if I think of anything else.
* Star Wars (IV) - at least 8
* The Golden Child - impossible to count
(this movie was a fixture at the Marshall Twin Cinema circa 1987 and I (and probably Julie too) watched it two times a night, two nights a weekend, for several months. Also at the Marshall Twin Cinema a few times: *Pee Wee's Big Adventure* and *Inner Space*)
* Backdraft - 4
* Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves -4
* Edward Scissorhands - 4
* Reality Bites - 3
* The Bodyguard - 4
* Shallow Grave - 3 (twice in one day)
* Hands on a Hard Body - 5
* Dazed and Confused - 3
* No Country for Old Men - 3
I reserve the right to add to this if I think of anything else.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Movies I've walked out of (at the theater)
I was trying to think of movies I've seen the opposite of the most times and the closest thing I could come up with was movies I've walked out of. Somehow this list is much shorter than I imagined it would be...
In order of walking out:
Soul Man
Milo and Otis
Titanic
Bringing Out the Dead
The Pursuit of Happyness
In order of walking out:
Soul Man
Milo and Otis
Titanic
Bringing Out the Dead
The Pursuit of Happyness
The 10 movies I've seen most often (in order of when first seen)
- Mary Poppins
- The Jerk
- Grease
- Breakfast Club
- Dirty Dancing
- When Harry Met Sally
- Hair
- The Matrix
- Fight Club
- Joe Dirt
Saturday, March 7, 2009
San Antonio
I was in San Antonio this week for work. Here are some things I do not like about San Antonio.
- The freeway system. I got so frustrated I actually tried to figure out what person or agency I could call to lodge complaints. I have since calmed down but it is very annoying.
- The allergens. I had finally stopped sneezing until one day in San Antonio.
- People won't stop talking about the fucking tortillas. I mean, people talk about the Mexican food in general like it is the only place on earth you can find *good Mexican food* but then they go on and on about the tortillas. I noticed this because EVERYONE did it. Even the people who had no idea what they were talking about.
- No one knows that the Battle of the Alamo occurred on March 6th. I had to tell everyone I talked to and then each person looked at me like I was the freak.
- The so-called nice hotel had the shittiest TV. Lil Rounds sounded all fuzzy.
- When people say "San Antone." Drives me absolutely crazy. Like, punch-you-in-the-face crazy.
- The tortillas
- also the cheese enchiladas
- The landscaping
- The Ghostbusters building
- The Alamo
- Pee Wee Herman
Friday, March 6, 2009
My New Neighbors: An Ongoing Study
EMPIRICAL FACTS
1. Unit adjacent to my own is inhabited by 3 women, early twenties, possible recent college graduates.
2. Welcome mat outside of unit reads “Live, Laugh, Love”.
3. At approximately 8pm Saturday evening, I observed signs suggesting the early stages of a party. Terrible music being played at an especially loud volume, roving packs of douchedudes pouring out of cars and high-fiving their way to the unit, and a small brunette girl smoking a cigarette on the balcony who squealed “Hiyeee!” as I walked to my car.
4. The following morning I discovered a lipstick-stained Silo cup containing the last few sips of a mysterious pinkish/red beverage and a half-smoked slim cigarette in the exterior hallway outside of my own apartment.
5. A few moments later, one of said douchedudes - who I recognized from his tight black t-shirt with sparkly sequinned designs - came stumbling out of Live, Laugh and Love’s unit, then proceeded to the tricked out Toyota Camry where his boys were reverently waiting for their more “lucky” compatriot.
6. A few hours later, while passing the “Live, Laugh, Love” unit on my way to our parking garage, the three suspected neighbors emerged, tittering about brunch, followed by a trail of wake & bake pot smoke. I observed that their dress was much in the style of Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie circa three years ago, and noticed one of them talking to a squirrel in the front yard, inexplicably referring to it as “Joe”.
7. Last night I noted that one of the wireless networks displayed on my computer has been named “3Hookers”.
The investigation continues.
1. Unit adjacent to my own is inhabited by 3 women, early twenties, possible recent college graduates.
2. Welcome mat outside of unit reads “Live, Laugh, Love”.
3. At approximately 8pm Saturday evening, I observed signs suggesting the early stages of a party. Terrible music being played at an especially loud volume, roving packs of douchedudes pouring out of cars and high-fiving their way to the unit, and a small brunette girl smoking a cigarette on the balcony who squealed “Hiyeee!” as I walked to my car.
4. The following morning I discovered a lipstick-stained Silo cup containing the last few sips of a mysterious pinkish/red beverage and a half-smoked slim cigarette in the exterior hallway outside of my own apartment.
5. A few moments later, one of said douchedudes - who I recognized from his tight black t-shirt with sparkly sequinned designs - came stumbling out of Live, Laugh and Love’s unit, then proceeded to the tricked out Toyota Camry where his boys were reverently waiting for their more “lucky” compatriot.
6. A few hours later, while passing the “Live, Laugh, Love” unit on my way to our parking garage, the three suspected neighbors emerged, tittering about brunch, followed by a trail of wake & bake pot smoke. I observed that their dress was much in the style of Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie circa three years ago, and noticed one of them talking to a squirrel in the front yard, inexplicably referring to it as “Joe”.
7. Last night I noted that one of the wireless networks displayed on my computer has been named “3Hookers”.
The investigation continues.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
1992: My Favorite Albums
Albums
Age: 20
School: RTF Student, UT
Work: Part Time, Home Video Plus
Fashion: Flannel shirts, Hiking boots, Hair
Status: Aspirational, Somewhat Clueless, Nerd
- Lyle Lovett -- Joshua Judges Ruth
- Annie Lennox -- Diva
- The Proclaimers -- Sunshine on Leith
- Enya -- Shepherd Moons
- Toad the Wet Sprocket -- Fear
- Dwight Yoakam -- If There Was a Way
- Dances With Wolves
- The Last of the Mohicans
- Howards End
- Far and Away
- The Big Easy
Age: 20
School: RTF Student, UT
Work: Part Time, Home Video Plus
Fashion: Flannel shirts, Hiking boots, Hair
Status: Aspirational, Somewhat Clueless, Nerd
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
colors i am thinking of painting my living room
per sherwin-williams....in no particular order
- oceanside
- cote d'azur
- maxi teal
- poseidan
- green bay
- amalfi (that one is just for candice)
- blue nile
i highly recommend the sherwin-williams website - they have sample rooms that you can paint. it is kinda mesmerizing....
Sunday, March 1, 2009
not a list - but an explanation of my found list
I finally asked my brother about the list...it has something to do with the Decemberists releasing 3 EPs - each with a man, woman, and girl on the cover, and him organizing them in itunes. The real explanation is much longer than that, but I stopped paying attention.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
10 Songs To Help You Get Through These Tough Economic Times
10. Got Money by Lil Wayne
“I need a Winn-Dixie grocery bag full of money.” Yes. We all do Mr. Wayne.
9. Can’t Tell Me Nothing by Kanye West
Maybe this song helps you escape into the egomaniacal fantasy land of Kanye West. Or maybe it’s a message about living beyond your means. Either way - make sure you look really indignant when listening to this on your morning commute.
8. Every song by Rage Against The Machine
F******************CK EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
7. She Works Hard For The Money by Donna Summer
Do you think it’s easy giving thirty to forty hand jobs a day??? You better treat me right!
6. Every song by Jewel
She lived out of her car you guys. She KNOWS what we’re going through.
5. Man In The Mirror by Michael Jackson
Self-explanatory.
4. My Heart Will Go On (Love Theme from Titanic) by Celine Dion
You’re stranded on a piece of debris in the middle of the icy waters…and you’re hanging on to your 401(k). Your 401(k) says to you, “Puh-puh-puh-puh-lease…n-n-n-n-never let g-g-go…,” and then, you realize, your 401(k) has died. BUT YOUR HEART WILL GO ON!...stupid, utterly stupid
3. Mo’ Money Mo’ Problems by Notorious B.I.G.
IF Mo Money = Mo Problems, THEN, No Money = No Problems. You’re welcome. They don’t call me Ronald “Good Will Hunting” Rucker for nothin’.
2. Chariots Of Fire Theme by Vangelis
Investing in the stock market is a marathon - not a sprint. Remember that.
1. My Little Buttercup by The Three Amigos
Because there’s never a time when this song ISN’T helpful. Though playing this on loop while drinking alone staring at a loaded pistol is not advisable.
“I need a Winn-Dixie grocery bag full of money.” Yes. We all do Mr. Wayne.
9. Can’t Tell Me Nothing by Kanye West
Maybe this song helps you escape into the egomaniacal fantasy land of Kanye West. Or maybe it’s a message about living beyond your means. Either way - make sure you look really indignant when listening to this on your morning commute.
8. Every song by Rage Against The Machine
F******************CK EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
7. She Works Hard For The Money by Donna Summer
Do you think it’s easy giving thirty to forty hand jobs a day??? You better treat me right!
6. Every song by Jewel
She lived out of her car you guys. She KNOWS what we’re going through.
5. Man In The Mirror by Michael Jackson
Self-explanatory.
4. My Heart Will Go On (Love Theme from Titanic) by Celine Dion
You’re stranded on a piece of debris in the middle of the icy waters…and you’re hanging on to your 401(k). Your 401(k) says to you, “Puh-puh-puh-puh-lease…n-n-n-n-never let g-g-go…,” and then, you realize, your 401(k) has died. BUT YOUR HEART WILL GO ON!...stupid, utterly stupid
3. Mo’ Money Mo’ Problems by Notorious B.I.G.
IF Mo Money = Mo Problems, THEN, No Money = No Problems. You’re welcome. They don’t call me Ronald “Good Will Hunting” Rucker for nothin’.
2. Chariots Of Fire Theme by Vangelis
Investing in the stock market is a marathon - not a sprint. Remember that.
1. My Little Buttercup by The Three Amigos
Because there’s never a time when this song ISN’T helpful. Though playing this on loop while drinking alone staring at a loaded pistol is not advisable.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Facebook Status Updates
I see there is a post in "draft" titled "Boring Facebook Wall Posts." This reminded me of the day following the election where all of my redneck East Texas friends chose to voice their opinions through their Facebook status.
Enjoy
-is planning his move to Costa Rica!
-is convinced that a major mistake has been made with such a tragic victory.
-is hoping all those young bucks who "got out and voted" will pay attention in the next four years. You'll get a lesson in liberal economics.
-is very sad for our country. And I hope everyone prays that God can help us through this.
-what is America Thinking!
-can't believe we found a bigger turd than Clinton.
-is very scared for the next 4 years to come.
---me too hon :(
----we are too. Let's just hope we are all alive to vote again in 4 years.
-can't believe we found the scum of the earth to be leader of the free world, but at least I can say I told you so..
-is still hoping that this is just a nightmare that she'll wake up from....
-is speechless and is def clinging.....
-is thinking that maybe now is a good time to move to the UAE.
-is God help us all....
-is worried about our country...scary times ahead!
---ME too Stacey, just pray!
-is sick to his stomach.. thanks to all of you who participated in this protest election.. also wondering what property values in Mexico look like after this.
-bets Lee Greenwood is not pleased today.
-is thinking that America's screwed. Guess we will have Obama to thank when our country has gone to shit....
-is packing up her family and moving to another country! I sure hope America knows what they are doing!
---i'm ready to go too!! :sigh: we are in for some sad times ahead!
----We are in for some scary times. I hope and pray for our kiddos that we will be safe and we'll be allowed to keep enough of our hard earned money to get them educated.
-loves my money, religion and guns....
-is pro life, guns, the American Flag, and troops in Iraq.
-is hoping America is smart enough to not elect an East African Muslim Terrorist loving, American Hating, Unqualified, Racist as the leader of our country!
-I guess I should go buy a gun today before I'm no longer able to! I hate politics!!
---oh i know..im tired of all this "hope" stuff...when these people get off their obama high and realize what he's really about i'll be there to say "i told you so". america was not meant to be a socialist nation. uhh...talk about frustrating.
Enjoy
-is planning his move to Costa Rica!
-is convinced that a major mistake has been made with such a tragic victory.
-is hoping all those young bucks who "got out and voted" will pay attention in the next four years. You'll get a lesson in liberal economics.
-is very sad for our country. And I hope everyone prays that God can help us through this.
-what is America Thinking!
-can't believe we found a bigger turd than Clinton.
-is very scared for the next 4 years to come.
---me too hon :(
----we are too. Let's just hope we are all alive to vote again in 4 years.
-can't believe we found the scum of the earth to be leader of the free world, but at least I can say I told you so..
-is still hoping that this is just a nightmare that she'll wake up from....
-is speechless and is def clinging.....
-is thinking that maybe now is a good time to move to the UAE.
-is God help us all....
-is worried about our country...scary times ahead!
---ME too Stacey, just pray!
-is sick to his stomach.. thanks to all of you who participated in this protest election.. also wondering what property values in Mexico look like after this.
-bets Lee Greenwood is not pleased today.
-is thinking that America's screwed. Guess we will have Obama to thank when our country has gone to shit....
-is packing up her family and moving to another country! I sure hope America knows what they are doing!
---i'm ready to go too!! :sigh: we are in for some sad times ahead!
----We are in for some scary times. I hope and pray for our kiddos that we will be safe and we'll be allowed to keep enough of our hard earned money to get them educated.
-loves my money, religion and guns....
-is pro life, guns, the American Flag, and troops in Iraq.
-is hoping America is smart enough to not elect an East African Muslim Terrorist loving, American Hating, Unqualified, Racist as the leader of our country!
-I guess I should go buy a gun today before I'm no longer able to! I hate politics!!
---oh i know..im tired of all this "hope" stuff...when these people get off their obama high and realize what he's really about i'll be there to say "i told you so". america was not meant to be a socialist nation. uhh...talk about frustrating.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Gutless Oscar Predictions
Best Picture: Slumdog Millionaire
Best Actor: Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler
Best Actress: Kate Winslet, The Reader
Best Supporting Actor: Heath Ledger, The Dark Knight
Best Supporting Actress: Penelope Cruz, Vicky Cristina Barcelona
Director: Danny Boyle, Slumdog Millionaire
Adapted Screenplay: Slumdog Millionaire
Original Screenplay: Milk
Animated Feature: WALL-E
Foreign Language Film: Waltz With Bashir
Art Direction: The Dark Knight
Cinematography: Slumdog Millionaire
Original Score: Slumdog Millionaire
Original Song: Slumdog Millionaire
Costumes: Benjamin Button
Editing: Slumdog Millionaire
Makeup: The Dark Knight
Visual Effects: Benjamin Button
Sound Mixing: Slumdog Millionaire
Sound Editing: Slumdog Millionaire
Animated Short: La Maison en Petits Cubes
Documentary Short: The Conscience of Nhem En
Documentary Feature: Man on Wire
Live Action Short: Spielzeugland
Best Actor: Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler
Best Actress: Kate Winslet, The Reader
Best Supporting Actor: Heath Ledger, The Dark Knight
Best Supporting Actress: Penelope Cruz, Vicky Cristina Barcelona
Director: Danny Boyle, Slumdog Millionaire
Adapted Screenplay: Slumdog Millionaire
Original Screenplay: Milk
Animated Feature: WALL-E
Foreign Language Film: Waltz With Bashir
Art Direction: The Dark Knight
Cinematography: Slumdog Millionaire
Original Score: Slumdog Millionaire
Original Song: Slumdog Millionaire
Costumes: Benjamin Button
Editing: Slumdog Millionaire
Makeup: The Dark Knight
Visual Effects: Benjamin Button
Sound Mixing: Slumdog Millionaire
Sound Editing: Slumdog Millionaire
Animated Short: La Maison en Petits Cubes
Documentary Short: The Conscience of Nhem En
Documentary Feature: Man on Wire
Live Action Short: Spielzeugland
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Yet Another "Best of" List...Get Over it
The Soaps
5. Entourage. You know, as much as I talk about Entourage, I don’t truly consider it one of my “favorite” shows. It’s a good show, but I mostly make it a point to watch every week just to have something to follow — it’s not unlike the one character in Slaughterhouse Five who takes a sh*t at the same time every day just so he has something he can control that the Germans can never take away from him. (Flawless analogy? Check.)
4. South Park. Hits some weeks, misses some other weeks, but it’s always worth watching for that reason. It’s also remained fiercely topical and one of the few legit sources of satire outside Colbert and The Daily Show, and nearly every episode contains at least one moment that simply won’t give up until you relent into giddy laughter.
3. Saturday Night Live. If ever a show in 2008 brought me back to my middle school days, it was SNL. Little does this show realize it had the pleasure of spending many a Saturday night live with me (yes, ME!) in my bedroom, knee socks stretched to their limits, sorbet spoon firmly placed in mouth, as I waited to see how Sarah Palin was to be lampooned by the deservedly praise-lavished Tina Fey, not to mention brilliant performances by Kristen Wiig ("Surprise Party" is a gem) and my personal favorite Fred Armisen. We were also lucky enough to see some dramatic actors push their comedic limit (Jon Hamm comes to mind), and that you should never, ever let a swimmer host the show again, no matter how many medals he has, because he probably can’t read. (Mark Spitz is so mad at me right now.)
2. Lost. Season 4 was the best Lost season yet. There aren’t any word combinations in the English language that haven’t been said about this show already, so I see no need to explain this inclusion further.
1. Mad Men. I initially groaned at the prospects of having yet another series to catch up on and more spoilers to avoid, but two iTunes purchases and one lengthy breakup later, I finally became privy to the current best show on television. It’s got the Sopranos' sense of humor and moral bankruptcy mixed with an eerily convincing 60s aesthetic, terrific characters, and more smoke than Good Night and Good Luck and Backdraft combined. Here’s hoping for a long, Sopranos-like stay on television too, only minus the 3-year gaps.
The Flicks
5. In Bruges. McDonaugh is a master of the dark comedy, and I don’t mean “dark comedy” as “buzzphrase for unfunny mean-spirited crap like Very Bad Things,” but more along the lines of “laugh-out-loud irreverence and also people get shot.” This movie not only proved that it’s possible to laugh with Colin Farrell, but also guaranteed that my next vacation will be to the city of Bruges — no city has been portrayed more breathtakingly in any film I can recall (aside from Manhattan in the movie Highlander, of course). A semi-cheesy twist in the final minutes knocked this film from “A” to “A-” territory, but it’s still a perfect Netflixer.
4. Burn After Reading. I can’t remember the last time I came out of a movie saying “you know, I don’t think I’ve ever seen another film quite like that,” without promptly adding “what a load of pretentious artsy sh*tf*ck.” (SIC) I spent the entire first sixty minutes of Burn After Reading trying to figure out why the hell I was watching it and what any one thing had to to with any other thing, and then somehow, I left the theater feeling wholly and completely satisfied. I realize this description makes no sense if you haven’t seen the movie, so I’ll just end with, “More like, Love After Seeing!” Is it too late to get that quote on a one sheet?
3. Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Every Woody Allen movie hits way too close to home, even magical European fairy tales about wealthy, beautiful artists; surely more than a few audience members gulped with personal recognition when Scarlett Johansson’s character was described as “someone who doesn’t know what she wants, only what she doesn’t want,” or when Javier Bardem uttered the axiom “only unfulfilled love can be romantic.” Personally, I related to the threesome with ScarJo and Penelope Cruz, because trust me, that is exactly what it’s like.
2. Man On Wire. I’m an automatic sucker for just about any documentary, but this story of French tightrope walker Philippe Petit’s illegal 1974 high-wire performance between the Twin Towers was a life-affirming celebration of everything awesome, including a convincing definition of “art” as unselfconscious, inexplicable beauty. Plus every quote from the absurd, lovably-European Petit is hilarious; if you’re a fan of Billy Mitchell from last year's The King of Kong this is now your favorite movie. Hell, it probably will be anyway.
1b. Slumdog Millionaire. Before you even say anything, allow me to explain: I realize all the problems with this movie. It’s heavy-handed. Manipulative. Completely unbelievable and almost a touch too shmaltzy. The leads had very little chemistry. Blah blah blah GUESS WHAT? I LIKED IT ANYWAY, OK? Yeah, that’s right! I liked the use of a Game Show to move the plot along. Mmmhmm! You know what else? I felt BAD for Jamal! With my human, beating heart, I did! I loved this movie! So take your high-brow ass out of my FACE before I get angry!
1a. The Dark Knight. Not much to say about this movie that hasn’t been said already. And if this is too obvious of a #1 selection for you, then flip-flop it with Man On Wire and suddenly behold my unique and insightful movie list!
Honorable Mentions: Wall-E, Iron Man, Tropic Thunder, There Will Be Blood (IT. WAS. THAT. GOOD.).
Biggest Disappointments: Australia, Pineapple Express, Baby Mama, Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Where Knowledge Was Their Treasure.
5. Entourage. You know, as much as I talk about Entourage, I don’t truly consider it one of my “favorite” shows. It’s a good show, but I mostly make it a point to watch every week just to have something to follow — it’s not unlike the one character in Slaughterhouse Five who takes a sh*t at the same time every day just so he has something he can control that the Germans can never take away from him. (Flawless analogy? Check.)
4. South Park. Hits some weeks, misses some other weeks, but it’s always worth watching for that reason. It’s also remained fiercely topical and one of the few legit sources of satire outside Colbert and The Daily Show, and nearly every episode contains at least one moment that simply won’t give up until you relent into giddy laughter.
3. Saturday Night Live. If ever a show in 2008 brought me back to my middle school days, it was SNL. Little does this show realize it had the pleasure of spending many a Saturday night live with me (yes, ME!) in my bedroom, knee socks stretched to their limits, sorbet spoon firmly placed in mouth, as I waited to see how Sarah Palin was to be lampooned by the deservedly praise-lavished Tina Fey, not to mention brilliant performances by Kristen Wiig ("Surprise Party" is a gem) and my personal favorite Fred Armisen. We were also lucky enough to see some dramatic actors push their comedic limit (Jon Hamm comes to mind), and that you should never, ever let a swimmer host the show again, no matter how many medals he has, because he probably can’t read. (Mark Spitz is so mad at me right now.)
2. Lost. Season 4 was the best Lost season yet. There aren’t any word combinations in the English language that haven’t been said about this show already, so I see no need to explain this inclusion further.
1. Mad Men. I initially groaned at the prospects of having yet another series to catch up on and more spoilers to avoid, but two iTunes purchases and one lengthy breakup later, I finally became privy to the current best show on television. It’s got the Sopranos' sense of humor and moral bankruptcy mixed with an eerily convincing 60s aesthetic, terrific characters, and more smoke than Good Night and Good Luck and Backdraft combined. Here’s hoping for a long, Sopranos-like stay on television too, only minus the 3-year gaps.
The Flicks
5. In Bruges. McDonaugh is a master of the dark comedy, and I don’t mean “dark comedy” as “buzzphrase for unfunny mean-spirited crap like Very Bad Things,” but more along the lines of “laugh-out-loud irreverence and also people get shot.” This movie not only proved that it’s possible to laugh with Colin Farrell, but also guaranteed that my next vacation will be to the city of Bruges — no city has been portrayed more breathtakingly in any film I can recall (aside from Manhattan in the movie Highlander, of course). A semi-cheesy twist in the final minutes knocked this film from “A” to “A-” territory, but it’s still a perfect Netflixer.
4. Burn After Reading. I can’t remember the last time I came out of a movie saying “you know, I don’t think I’ve ever seen another film quite like that,” without promptly adding “what a load of pretentious artsy sh*tf*ck.” (SIC) I spent the entire first sixty minutes of Burn After Reading trying to figure out why the hell I was watching it and what any one thing had to to with any other thing, and then somehow, I left the theater feeling wholly and completely satisfied. I realize this description makes no sense if you haven’t seen the movie, so I’ll just end with, “More like, Love After Seeing!” Is it too late to get that quote on a one sheet?
3. Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Every Woody Allen movie hits way too close to home, even magical European fairy tales about wealthy, beautiful artists; surely more than a few audience members gulped with personal recognition when Scarlett Johansson’s character was described as “someone who doesn’t know what she wants, only what she doesn’t want,” or when Javier Bardem uttered the axiom “only unfulfilled love can be romantic.” Personally, I related to the threesome with ScarJo and Penelope Cruz, because trust me, that is exactly what it’s like.
2. Man On Wire. I’m an automatic sucker for just about any documentary, but this story of French tightrope walker Philippe Petit’s illegal 1974 high-wire performance between the Twin Towers was a life-affirming celebration of everything awesome, including a convincing definition of “art” as unselfconscious, inexplicable beauty. Plus every quote from the absurd, lovably-European Petit is hilarious; if you’re a fan of Billy Mitchell from last year's The King of Kong this is now your favorite movie. Hell, it probably will be anyway.
1b. Slumdog Millionaire. Before you even say anything, allow me to explain: I realize all the problems with this movie. It’s heavy-handed. Manipulative. Completely unbelievable and almost a touch too shmaltzy. The leads had very little chemistry. Blah blah blah GUESS WHAT? I LIKED IT ANYWAY, OK? Yeah, that’s right! I liked the use of a Game Show to move the plot along. Mmmhmm! You know what else? I felt BAD for Jamal! With my human, beating heart, I did! I loved this movie! So take your high-brow ass out of my FACE before I get angry!
1a. The Dark Knight. Not much to say about this movie that hasn’t been said already. And if this is too obvious of a #1 selection for you, then flip-flop it with Man On Wire and suddenly behold my unique and insightful movie list!
Honorable Mentions: Wall-E, Iron Man, Tropic Thunder, There Will Be Blood (IT. WAS. THAT. GOOD.).
Biggest Disappointments: Australia, Pineapple Express, Baby Mama, Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Where Knowledge Was Their Treasure.
Friday, February 13, 2009
5 Scary Things for Friday the 13th
1. The Jenny Humphrey Fashion Show (I will never get over it)
2. Sandy, the bus driver, on the new season of Survivor
3. 30th Floor Happy Hour, tonight, Pub Fiction
4. the inner workings of my body
5. And for the fifth, the obligatory Oscar post, choose-your-own-adventure-style:
A. The Joker
B. Mickey Rourke, Oscar Nominee
C. Baby with Old Man Face
2. Sandy, the bus driver, on the new season of Survivor
3. 30th Floor Happy Hour, tonight, Pub Fiction
4. the inner workings of my body
5. And for the fifth, the obligatory Oscar post, choose-your-own-adventure-style:
A. The Joker
B. Mickey Rourke, Oscar Nominee
C. Baby with Old Man Face
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
10 Things I'm Loving Right Now
Pedro Almodóvar
Joseph Gordon-Levitt in Brick (bonus points for sharing a birthday)
Jim & Dwight in "Lecture Circuit: Part I", The Office
Watchmen Trailer #3
Chuck Bass
Rebecca Hall in Vicky Cristina Barcelona
Friday Night Lights
January Jones in Mad Men, Season 1
Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs, C.Klosterman
Quiet contemplation about things lost, opportunities missed
Joseph Gordon-Levitt in Brick (bonus points for sharing a birthday)
Jim & Dwight in "Lecture Circuit: Part I", The Office
Watchmen Trailer #3
Chuck Bass
Rebecca Hall in Vicky Cristina Barcelona
Friday Night Lights
January Jones in Mad Men, Season 1
Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs, C.Klosterman
Quiet contemplation about things lost, opportunities missed
Monday, February 9, 2009
List my brother made that I found on my coffee table
this list makes no sense at all thoughts anyone?
3 Days 1 MAN
2 0 New Girl
6 A record year WOMAN
5 Im sticking with you MAN
1 Valerie Girl
4 Days Long MAN
7 Raincoat WOMAN
At first I thougth is was something related to a wii game, like a code or something, but maybe it is a playlist...i know I'm Sticking With you is a song. I am terrible with song names, and what is with the MAN, Girl, WOMAN lables?
3 Days 1 MAN
2 0 New Girl
6 A record year WOMAN
5 Im sticking with you MAN
1 Valerie Girl
4 Days Long MAN
7 Raincoat WOMAN
At first I thougth is was something related to a wii game, like a code or something, but maybe it is a playlist...i know I'm Sticking With you is a song. I am terrible with song names, and what is with the MAN, Girl, WOMAN lables?
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Happy Birthday, Jon!
Things that will always and forever remind me of Jon Merrill, like the way I feel like I'm in 3rd grade (for the first time) when I smell Hot Fries, in the best way possible...
- Sting
- Tori Amos
- red shoes
- orange cars
- grape vodka*
- screwdrivers
- Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, as sung by Harry Connick Jr.
- Crimson Tide and Sleepless in Seattle
- Beetlejuice and Groundhog Day
- Mother's Boys (one of my most favorite things ever)*
- Jamie Lee Curtis, in general (on account of how Mother's Boys is one of my most favorite things ever)
- Mr. Jones (the movie -- not that I think of it that often but, oh, when I do)
- Jeff Bridges in Fearless, The Big Lebowski, and The Vanishing*
- Matt Damon in Rounders, The Departed, and The Good Shepherd
- Fight Club
- Previews
- Infomercials (esp. Dr. Ho, the upside-down trash bag, and the slot machines)*
- Trivia*
- Poker
- 5am casino breakfasts*
- Pretty much every time someone says something funny
- Every single time someone says something stupid*
10 Great Movies That Got Terrible Reviews
The Oscars are great and all, but for just a brief moment, I’d like to take the time to recognize a particularly endearing cross-section of films that never gets enough respect. The following are a list of ten truly terrific movies that were panned by critics upon their release, just because of their “low browness,” their narrative flaws (re: not having stories, plots, etc), or, most of all, because they’re all pretty funny and comedy can never really be considered “great.”
10. Anchorman: What exactly is the “one” joke in Anchorman’s so-called “one-joke premise”? Cause I’m pretty sure there are a bunch of jokes in it. In fact, the movie is nothing but a bunch of jokes all in a row. Is the “one joke” that the movie is only many jokes? And by that logic, could we call Paradise Lost a one-moral premise, cause it’s nothing more than a series of moral explorations? (Answer: Definitely)
9. Pootie Tang: A flick so totally and completely absurd that it’s almost poetic. Also, the film has Kristin Bell and David Cross in it so technically it's illegal to not like it.
8. Super Troopers: Far too many critics got wrapped up in the empty characterizations of the cops and the “low brow” implications of their gags to just enjoy the bevy of innocuously quotable lines and the movie’s self-deprecating triumph. Also, stop calling it “frat humor.” It’s not. I f*cking hate frats, and frats hate me, and yet we both find this movie humorous.
7. The Cable Guy: The only thing we heard about this movie in the five months surrounding its release was Jim Carrey’s $20 million pricetag, prompting automatic critical backlash about how egregiously Carrey didn’t deserve the money with no one actually loosening up and watching the damn (stupid) movie. Dietrich usedta make twenty beans’a picsha, ya see? Not money, actual beans! So this movie’s no good!
6. Zoolander: Uh oh — get out your fashion-related jabs, critics, cause Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson are at the top of their game, pre-coasting, and revelling in the opportunity to play the two most ridiculous characters they possibly can! Also this movie’s portrayal of the fashion industry is not wholly accurate! Grrr!!
5. Coming To America: Murphy’s enegry level is sooooo looooowww!! Why couldn’t he have been more upbeat, like that fast-talking barber? And there’s way too much exposition!! It takes like ten minutes for them to come to America! Why is the movie called that then??? Sidenote: Are there any actual non-critic humans who don’t like this movie?
4. Wet Hot American Summer: I don’t totally blame the critics on this one, as I'm admittidly unfamiliar with the Wain/Showalter aesthetic and can see how some might find the brand of humor a bit exclusive, but that being said, I totally blame the critics on this one.
3. Billy Madison: I didn’t expect critics from non middle-school newspapers to howl through this movie three times in the theater in the first week it came out like all of us did, but surely they can recognize when a megastar simply nails down his demographic with a fearlessly wacky 90-minute gagfest? They can’t? Oh, that sucks.
2. Dumb and Dumber: I love when critics treat “lowbrow comedy” as something that should be inherently dismissed because God has damned it to the shallow end of the Social Darwinism pool, like they’re Victorian aristrocrats making haughty cracks about “the lower class” over brandy with cigars in it. We have to realize — all lowbrow comedy is the same, and by that right, we are worse humans for ever deriving pleasure from it.
1. Caddyshack: Caddyshack??? Caddyf*ckingshack?? The most nonthreateningly likeable, impossibly watchable comedy classic that everyone from ages negative ten to infinity plus one f*cking loves? What kind of joyless existence must these people live?
HONORABLE MENTIONS: UHF, Rookie of the Year, Die Hard With a Vengeance, Happy Gilmore, Ghostbusters 2, countless others.
10. Anchorman: What exactly is the “one” joke in Anchorman’s so-called “one-joke premise”? Cause I’m pretty sure there are a bunch of jokes in it. In fact, the movie is nothing but a bunch of jokes all in a row. Is the “one joke” that the movie is only many jokes? And by that logic, could we call Paradise Lost a one-moral premise, cause it’s nothing more than a series of moral explorations? (Answer: Definitely)
9. Pootie Tang: A flick so totally and completely absurd that it’s almost poetic. Also, the film has Kristin Bell and David Cross in it so technically it's illegal to not like it.
8. Super Troopers: Far too many critics got wrapped up in the empty characterizations of the cops and the “low brow” implications of their gags to just enjoy the bevy of innocuously quotable lines and the movie’s self-deprecating triumph. Also, stop calling it “frat humor.” It’s not. I f*cking hate frats, and frats hate me, and yet we both find this movie humorous.
7. The Cable Guy: The only thing we heard about this movie in the five months surrounding its release was Jim Carrey’s $20 million pricetag, prompting automatic critical backlash about how egregiously Carrey didn’t deserve the money with no one actually loosening up and watching the damn (stupid) movie. Dietrich usedta make twenty beans’a picsha, ya see? Not money, actual beans! So this movie’s no good!
6. Zoolander: Uh oh — get out your fashion-related jabs, critics, cause Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson are at the top of their game, pre-coasting, and revelling in the opportunity to play the two most ridiculous characters they possibly can! Also this movie’s portrayal of the fashion industry is not wholly accurate! Grrr!!
5. Coming To America: Murphy’s enegry level is sooooo looooowww!! Why couldn’t he have been more upbeat, like that fast-talking barber? And there’s way too much exposition!! It takes like ten minutes for them to come to America! Why is the movie called that then??? Sidenote: Are there any actual non-critic humans who don’t like this movie?
4. Wet Hot American Summer: I don’t totally blame the critics on this one, as I'm admittidly unfamiliar with the Wain/Showalter aesthetic and can see how some might find the brand of humor a bit exclusive, but that being said, I totally blame the critics on this one.
3. Billy Madison: I didn’t expect critics from non middle-school newspapers to howl through this movie three times in the theater in the first week it came out like all of us did, but surely they can recognize when a megastar simply nails down his demographic with a fearlessly wacky 90-minute gagfest? They can’t? Oh, that sucks.
2. Dumb and Dumber: I love when critics treat “lowbrow comedy” as something that should be inherently dismissed because God has damned it to the shallow end of the Social Darwinism pool, like they’re Victorian aristrocrats making haughty cracks about “the lower class” over brandy with cigars in it. We have to realize — all lowbrow comedy is the same, and by that right, we are worse humans for ever deriving pleasure from it.
1. Caddyshack: Caddyshack??? Caddyf*ckingshack?? The most nonthreateningly likeable, impossibly watchable comedy classic that everyone from ages negative ten to infinity plus one f*cking loves? What kind of joyless existence must these people live?
HONORABLE MENTIONS: UHF, Rookie of the Year, Die Hard With a Vengeance, Happy Gilmore, Ghostbusters 2, countless others.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
The most disturbing thing I've ever found on craigslist
1) This is the first listing I came across. Seems innocent enough...
My boyfriend and I have a large apartment that he has converted the back dining room into a nice sized room with a big back window. It is across the apartment from our room. The room is furnished. The only drawback is that the bathroom is located in our room which is the master bedroom, but we have had one roommate before and the situation worked out fine. The only reason she left was to get married.
My boyfriend is in his 40's and I am in my 50's. We are non-drinkers and non-smokers. We are very kind and laid-back people and have a wonderful dog who is well behaved and very smart.
We live in West Plano off of Springcreek and Independence.
We are not charging a deposit. We have both needed help before and therefore we are hoping to help someone else with cheap rent and all utilities paid.
Females only, PLEASE!
Please call David at (972)639-2394.
2) Then, THREE DAYS LATER, I found this posting:
Looking for a nice woman in her 40's or 50's or early 60's to share our apt. We have an extra room we have converted into a bedroom. The room is furnished.
Now here's the deal. We are an open minded couple who would like to have fun with our roommate if you know what I mean. You would not be required to pay any rent but help with groceries and electric.
Females only and non drinkers only.
Please call David at (972) 639-2394
Um....(dry heave)....how do you think it went when someone responded to the first ad?
My boyfriend and I have a large apartment that he has converted the back dining room into a nice sized room with a big back window. It is across the apartment from our room. The room is furnished. The only drawback is that the bathroom is located in our room which is the master bedroom, but we have had one roommate before and the situation worked out fine. The only reason she left was to get married.
My boyfriend is in his 40's and I am in my 50's. We are non-drinkers and non-smokers. We are very kind and laid-back people and have a wonderful dog who is well behaved and very smart.
We live in West Plano off of Springcreek and Independence.
We are not charging a deposit. We have both needed help before and therefore we are hoping to help someone else with cheap rent and all utilities paid.
Females only, PLEASE!
Please call David at (972)639-2394.
2) Then, THREE DAYS LATER, I found this posting:
Looking for a nice woman in her 40's or 50's or early 60's to share our apt. We have an extra room we have converted into a bedroom. The room is furnished.
Now here's the deal. We are an open minded couple who would like to have fun with our roommate if you know what I mean. You would not be required to pay any rent but help with groceries and electric.
Females only and non drinkers only.
Please call David at (972) 639-2394
Um....(dry heave)....how do you think it went when someone responded to the first ad?
Saturday, January 31, 2009
10 Shameless Attempts To Win An Oscar
Tis' the season...
10. Angelina Jolie, Changeling: Missing child? Check. Period and historical context? Check. Portraying person from real life who moans like Dwight Schrute and throws herself against a bunch of walls? Checky check. For the record, this movie is way funnier if you imagine it’s Angelina in real life after she doesn’t win the Oscar this year. See also: Angelia Jolie, A Mighty Heart.
8. Robin Williams, Patch Adams: Ol' Hairy Knuckes McGee didn’t even get nominated for his portrayal of a speech-giving doctor who goes to court a lot, has magical butterflies land on him, and blasts deafening string music so loudly, it kills his wife. They really should have just gone the extra step and given that butterfly AIDS.
7. Cuba Gooding Jr, Radio: A decade after his Supporting Actor Oscar (yuck...), CBJ attempted to re-legitimize his career by ditching crap comedies and making, instead, the single funniest movie of all time.
5. Will Smith, The Pursuit of Happyness: I got gypped out of that Oscar for playing Muhammad Ali, so I have to win for playing homeless single dad defying odds and cultural bounds, right? Maybe if I just keep playing this piano and grabbing this symbolic fence, people won’t notice how vague my life advice is…
4. Emma Thompson, Howard’s End: Discussing lust and property value with Sir Anthony Hopkins in the periodest period piece that ever perioded? I’m surprised the Academy waited 'til the Oscar ceremony to give her the award instead of just whipping it at the screen when they saw this movie.
3. Tom Hanks, The 1990s: What’s the fastest way to go from starring in buddy comedies opposite a pooch to being an A+++ +lister? How about getting AIDS then being retarded and causing all of American history to happen in back to back Oscar seasons? Nowadays, Hanks is so goddamn legit, we almost gave him an award for that episode of “Survivor” he filmed.
*2. Sean Penn, I Am Sam: OMG, you mean retarded dads can love too?? Whaa?????? I thought retarded people were just evil and couldn’t have kids and if they did have kids they hated them, but I was shown the error in my beliefs by Sean Penn’s courageous Jerry Lewis impression!
* - These comments brought to you by: Questionable Taste. Questionable Taste: Making you hate me a little bit more each day.
1. Julia Roberts, Erin Brokovich: Would this movie have been any different if they’d just filmed Julia Roberts slam-dunking an Oscar through a basketball hoop? Well, yeah, then we wouldn’t have seen the cartoonish naysayers who don’t believe in Erin Brokovich say “Well I never!” and have their monocles fall into their martinis then they drink the monocles by mistake then spit them out when Erin Brokovich accomplishes another thing that they cannot believe! She’s a wooooommmmaaaannnn, people!!!
Honorable Mentions: Jim Carrey in Man On The Moon/The Majestic, Helen Mirren in The Queen, Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man, Holly Hunter in The Piano, Ed Harris in Pollock
10. Angelina Jolie, Changeling: Missing child? Check. Period and historical context? Check. Portraying person from real life who moans like Dwight Schrute and throws herself against a bunch of walls? Checky check. For the record, this movie is way funnier if you imagine it’s Angelina in real life after she doesn’t win the Oscar this year. See also: Angelia Jolie, A Mighty Heart.
9. Denzel Washington, The Hurricane: In all honesty, my love for all things Mr. Washington knows no bounds...but come on Academy, how many times does the guy have to say “Hate put me in here…but loves' gunna bust me out!” before you shower him with gold statues? Answer: however many times he said it in Training Day...
8. Robin Williams, Patch Adams: Ol' Hairy Knuckes McGee didn’t even get nominated for his portrayal of a speech-giving doctor who goes to court a lot, has magical butterflies land on him, and blasts deafening string music so loudly, it kills his wife. They really should have just gone the extra step and given that butterfly AIDS.
7. Cuba Gooding Jr, Radio: A decade after his Supporting Actor Oscar (yuck...), CBJ attempted to re-legitimize his career by ditching crap comedies and making, instead, the single funniest movie of all time.
6. Ben Kingsley, Gandhi: I love how Ben Kingsley’s such a frickin’ good actor, no one cared that he donned brownface and spoke in a Don Rickles-style Indian voice to nab the most automatic Oscar-winning role in the history of history. The role of Martin Luther King is still up for grabs, though… Jude Law, anyone? Clive Owen?
5. Will Smith, The Pursuit of Happyness: I got gypped out of that Oscar for playing Muhammad Ali, so I have to win for playing homeless single dad defying odds and cultural bounds, right? Maybe if I just keep playing this piano and grabbing this symbolic fence, people won’t notice how vague my life advice is…
4. Emma Thompson, Howard’s End: Discussing lust and property value with Sir Anthony Hopkins in the periodest period piece that ever perioded? I’m surprised the Academy waited 'til the Oscar ceremony to give her the award instead of just whipping it at the screen when they saw this movie.
3. Tom Hanks, The 1990s: What’s the fastest way to go from starring in buddy comedies opposite a pooch to being an A+++ +lister? How about getting AIDS then being retarded and causing all of American history to happen in back to back Oscar seasons? Nowadays, Hanks is so goddamn legit, we almost gave him an award for that episode of “Survivor” he filmed.
*2. Sean Penn, I Am Sam: OMG, you mean retarded dads can love too?? Whaa?????? I thought retarded people were just evil and couldn’t have kids and if they did have kids they hated them, but I was shown the error in my beliefs by Sean Penn’s courageous Jerry Lewis impression!
* - These comments brought to you by: Questionable Taste. Questionable Taste: Making you hate me a little bit more each day.
1. Julia Roberts, Erin Brokovich: Would this movie have been any different if they’d just filmed Julia Roberts slam-dunking an Oscar through a basketball hoop? Well, yeah, then we wouldn’t have seen the cartoonish naysayers who don’t believe in Erin Brokovich say “Well I never!” and have their monocles fall into their martinis then they drink the monocles by mistake then spit them out when Erin Brokovich accomplishes another thing that they cannot believe! She’s a wooooommmmaaaannnn, people!!!
Honorable Mentions: Jim Carrey in Man On The Moon/The Majestic, Helen Mirren in The Queen, Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man, Holly Hunter in The Piano, Ed Harris in Pollock
Friday, January 30, 2009
Today's Contents of My Office Mailbox (which I have checked a mere 3 times in 1.5 yrs of employment)
in increasing order of funniness (to me)
5.) A birthday card dated Dec. 1, 2008.
4.) An invitation to the LSU Law 2008 Distinguished Alumnus Banquet to be held on October 30, 2008
3.) A map of downtown Baton Rouge (where I have lived practically all my life and am quite familiar) sent interoffice from someone with girly handwriting. Date unknown
2.) A packet of seeds. Date unknown
1.) A yellowed USA Today newspaper clipping on Lost entitled "Readers imagine living islands and talkings dogs" dated April 24, 2008. It appears to have been saved for 4 months and sent interoffice by P.Jenkins some time in July.
5.) A birthday card dated Dec. 1, 2008.
4.) An invitation to the LSU Law 2008 Distinguished Alumnus Banquet to be held on October 30, 2008
3.) A map of downtown Baton Rouge (where I have lived practically all my life and am quite familiar) sent interoffice from someone with girly handwriting. Date unknown
2.) A packet of seeds. Date unknown
1.) A yellowed USA Today newspaper clipping on Lost entitled "Readers imagine living islands and talkings dogs" dated April 24, 2008. It appears to have been saved for 4 months and sent interoffice by P.Jenkins some time in July.
7 people I am totally in love with even though I am at least 10 years too old (if not 20) to feel this way
- Aleksandra
- Ellen
- Gareth
- Harriet
- Neil
- Ollie
- Tom
Friday, January 23, 2009
Happy Birthday, Candice!
Things I would buy Candice for her birthday if I had a million dollars
- Britney Spears concert tix
- Studio space
- Vacation to Tahoe
- Some real gaudy, awesome diamond something or other
- A bag of treats
- Schwann's franchise for Houston
- Mini-Cooper
- iPhone
- Container Store gift certificate
- the hat Aretha Franklin wore at the inauguration
Thursday, January 22, 2009
10 Things That Are Bothering Me Right Now
- Leonardo Dicaprio was not nominated for Best Actor.
- I am not as good at my job as I used to be.
- I am hungry.
- I am unable to make decisions because I am paralyzed by fear of their consequences.
- My shirt is covered in tiny, almost unnoticeable, stains.
- I think I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
- My face is so, so round.
- Facebook has become a habit, not a diversion.
- I am unable to fully appreciate Benjamin Button because of Forrest Gump.
- I can't remember, or never knew, who that old lady character on LOST is.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Why not? Oscar nod predictions...
Picture:
1) Curious Case 2) Slumdog 3) Milk 4) Revolutionary Road 5)Wall-E
Director:
1) Fincher 2) Boyle 3) Mendes 4) Van Sant 5) Christopher Nolan (why not?)
Actor:
1) Rourke 2) Penn 3) Langella 4) DiCaprio 5) Richard Jenkins
Actress:
1)Jolie 2) Winslet 3) Streep 4) Hawkins 5) Blanchett
Too tired to do any more....
1) Curious Case 2) Slumdog 3) Milk 4) Revolutionary Road 5)Wall-E
Director:
1) Fincher 2) Boyle 3) Mendes 4) Van Sant 5) Christopher Nolan (why not?)
Actor:
1) Rourke 2) Penn 3) Langella 4) DiCaprio 5) Richard Jenkins
Actress:
1)Jolie 2) Winslet 3) Streep 4) Hawkins 5) Blanchett
Too tired to do any more....
tragic Oscar oversights (acting only, since 2000)
- 2007 - Samantha Morton, Control
- 2006 - Catherine O'Hara, For Your Consideration
- 2005 - Ralph Fiennes, The Constant Gardener
- 2004 - Mark Wahlberg, I Heart Huckabees
- 2003 (aka, worst year ever, thank you Renee Zellweger)
- Paul Bettany, Master and Commander
- Catherine O'Hara , A Mighty Wind
- Uma Thurman, Kill Bill
- Miranda Richardson, Spider
- Paul Giamatti, American Splendor
- Hope Davis, American Splendor
- Patricia Clarkson, The Station Agent
- 2002 - Michelle Pfeiffer, White Oleander
- 2001 - Gene Hackman, The Royal Tenenbaums
- 2000 (tie, but I'm screwed because I'd only kick out Juliette Binoche)
- Bjork, Dancer in the Dark
- Gillian Anderson, The House of Mirth
Monday, January 19, 2009
6 Movies That Make Me Cry No Matter How Many Times I Watch Them
(not including animated movies which are ridiculous)
- Field of Dreams
- Dogfight
- Dancer in the Dark
- Men Don't Leave
- The Trip to Bountiful
- A River Runs Through It
12 things that happen on every episode of House
1) Someone falls to the ground without warning (for some reason they always have their kid with them when this happens).
2) They're brought to whatever stupid hospital House works at I guess because they assume a "normal" hospital could never help them.
3) House and his semi-retarded team brainstorm about the diagnosis and cure. The team always disagrees with House.
4) House outsmarts them and tells them to do *fill-in-the-blank.
5) The patient convulses because whatever they did was wrong.
6) House has some other sub-plot going on like trying to learn a piano piece, or having to attend a birthday party or getting his house repaired (this always comes back later).
7) The family of the patient gets angry at House because he's so sarcastic and not really doing anything except limping around being an asshole.
8) House tries something "new" and it doesn't work either.
9) Omar Epps causes some kind of drama because he's the only black character on the show and although his character isn't very interesting, they try really hard to make him interesting.
10) Whatever was going on with house in #6 triggers an idea for House and he realizes that the family was lying about something.
11) House figures out what's wrong and fixes it.
12) The show ends with House alone becoming a better person.
*** That being said I will still watch the shit out of this show.
2) They're brought to whatever stupid hospital House works at I guess because they assume a "normal" hospital could never help them.
3) House and his semi-retarded team brainstorm about the diagnosis and cure. The team always disagrees with House.
4) House outsmarts them and tells them to do *fill-in-the-blank.
5) The patient convulses because whatever they did was wrong.
6) House has some other sub-plot going on like trying to learn a piano piece, or having to attend a birthday party or getting his house repaired (this always comes back later).
7) The family of the patient gets angry at House because he's so sarcastic and not really doing anything except limping around being an asshole.
8) House tries something "new" and it doesn't work either.
9) Omar Epps causes some kind of drama because he's the only black character on the show and although his character isn't very interesting, they try really hard to make him interesting.
10) Whatever was going on with house in #6 triggers an idea for House and he realizes that the family was lying about something.
11) House figures out what's wrong and fixes it.
12) The show ends with House alone becoming a better person.
*** That being said I will still watch the shit out of this show.
Reasons I hate Judson Laipply
1) His stupid name
2) His lack of funny
3) His lack of originality and/or funny
4) He inspired a T-mobile commercial that is neither original nor funny
5) He inspired someone to write on his youtube video "The funniest 6 minutes you will ever see" and needless to say it wasn't. Not even close
6) He makes money doing what he does (see above to understand why this is a problem)
7)Re: # 4 above, he inspired someone to write the following..."looking at this i smileed at home much cooler humans are than enything else, how often to cats all go to the station and dance like that together?"
8)See #7
2) His lack of funny
3) His lack of originality and/or funny
4) He inspired a T-mobile commercial that is neither original nor funny
5) He inspired someone to write on his youtube video "The funniest 6 minutes you will ever see" and needless to say it wasn't. Not even close
6) He makes money doing what he does (see above to understand why this is a problem)
7)Re: # 4 above, he inspired someone to write the following..."looking at this i smileed at home much cooler humans are than enything else, how often to cats all go to the station and dance like that together?"
8)See #7
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Top 10 Things I Enjoyed Watching American Idol for the First Time!
- Mia Conley. Hello, Marshall High School Pop Concert. (Concert choir!)
- Blind dude's hottish brother's cute smile.
- Stevie
- Banana man's eyebrows in the background
- Lil Rounds kids praying
- *Wanted Dead or Alive* montage
- I must admit I have a high-school crush on Ryan Seacrest. I can only imagine if he were around when I was 14.
- Enjoying the "water cooler" talk
- Poor, poor, poor, poor Michael Nicewonder. Age 20, Sandwich Maker. Serious Oedipal complex. (Jon, call me - I have screenplay ideas for this guy.)
- Watching the 9pm local Fox news.....I had never seen it before....I got to enjoy these gems:
- And coming up next, the woman who was told to go the zoo for her medical diagnosis."
- "A man busted for selling his teenage daughter for beer and beef"
- "Plus: Baby Hitler taken from his parents."
- WHAT?! DMX is in jail? No, Muffinhead!!
List Anything Has A Personality
I read about a site (http://www.typealyzer.com/) that will analyze a blog to give it a Myers-Briggs Type Indicator personality. I waited about 2.8 seconds after finding out that this existed to submit list anything for
consideration. Collectively, we are ESFPs.
What do you think?
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Xanax
Side effects I might have experienced after taking my first Xanax:
- drowsiness
- increase in appetite aka "the munchies"
- hallucinations
- agitation
- feeling dizziness, light headed or fainting
- urinating less than usual or not at all
- headache, fatigue, joint pain and unusual weakness
- speech problems
- Short term memory loss and impairment of memory functions
- anterograde amnesia and concentration problem
- blurred vision, unsteadiness and clumsiness
- constipation, diarrhea, nausea and vomiting
- dry mouth or, more likely, increased salivation
- sweating
- skin inflammation
- Aggression
- Mania
- elevated mood and confidence
- decreased inhibitions, no fear of danger (increased risk taking behavior)
- Euphoria
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Electrician List #2: Derek's Special Tasks
Important things Derek had to do while everyone else was working on the house:
- Fly the remote control helicopter he bought Ragan for Christmas
- Lose the remote control helicopter on the roof
- Tell someone to climb on the roof to retrieve the lost remote control helicopter
- Break the remote control helicopter
- Ride the four wheeler to feed the horses
- Ride the four wheeler to feed the fish
- Ride the four wheeler to put duck decoys in the pond
- Drive into town to check out of the hotel room
- Drive into town to pick up Whataburger
- Scare me on the scaffolding
- Make fun of me for being somewhat-to-very tentative (so to speak) on the scaffolding
- Eat nachos
Electrician List #1: What People Called the Sharpies
A list of the different things people called the Sharpies we used to mark measurements, etc, over the weekend, and who said it.
- "Sharpie" - Blaine, Austen
- "Pen" - Ragan
- "Magic Marker" - Gary (aka Dad's best friend), Derek
- "Marksalot" - Dad
Friday, January 9, 2009
Inappropriate Spam Subjects I Received in My Work E-mail Account This Week
with comments....
1. Going for a big fish is easy when you have a big bait in your pants. (I dont think fish was the sexiest analogy for the sought after prize.)
2. Nothing decorates a hand better than a stylish watch. (Clearly this spammer has not seen my lady-like wrists. I'd like like the attention drawn elsewhere thank you.)
3. It will be impossible not to note the outstanding bulge inside your pants. (But not there! Am I the only guy that would be kind of embarrassed by that?)
4. You feel like a pig because your tool is not big? Get bigger tool - don't be a fool. (Aside from the mental image of pig parts, that's pretty good.)
5. She will want you right in the public bathroom on your date. (Woof - What if I dont want her in that particular location?)
1. Going for a big fish is easy when you have a big bait in your pants. (I dont think fish was the sexiest analogy for the sought after prize.)
2. Nothing decorates a hand better than a stylish watch. (Clearly this spammer has not seen my lady-like wrists. I'd like like the attention drawn elsewhere thank you.)
3. It will be impossible not to note the outstanding bulge inside your pants. (But not there! Am I the only guy that would be kind of embarrassed by that?)
4. You feel like a pig because your tool is not big? Get bigger tool - don't be a fool. (Aside from the mental image of pig parts, that's pretty good.)
5. She will want you right in the public bathroom on your date. (Woof - What if I dont want her in that particular location?)
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Contents of My Bulletin Board at Work
Roughly clockwise, from top left:
- Downtown Austin land use map
- Old postcard from Memphis
- Urban Land Institute membership card
- USB drive
- Necklace that broke the last time I wore it
- Postcard from Duda Paine Architects
- Austin retail map with rings showing distance from 6th & Congress
- Downtown Austin neighborhood map
- Capitol View Corridor map
- First Night Austin button
- Postcard from Duda Paine Architects
- Clips from past Austin Museum of Art exhibits
- "Love Your Area" postcard that I obviously kept for more than just the images, which I also happen to like
- Armadillo Christmas Bazaar button
- City of Chino button (present from Mia during the first season of The O.C.)
- Art City Austin 2008 poster that I promised to, but never gave to, a fall 2008 intern
- Specht Harpman architects postcard
- Downtown Austin Emerging Projects map
- DOWNTOWN Season 4 postcard
- A weird credit card-sized promo piece from the Austin Convention & Visitors Bureau from which I can punch out some guitar picks (http://www.pikcard.com/html/PikCardPC4.htm)
- Bottom half of Downtown Austin Public Improvement District map
- Downtown Austin Alliance staff phone numbers
- Mustachioed man (cut out head from a photograph found in the building, and a little present from a coworker to me this week)
- Post-it with temporary ID and password for Hill Country Outdoors
- Keep Austin Beautiful postcard
- Another pikcard, and assorted coupons that I will most likely never use (except for maybe free nachos at Manuel's because they are delicious)
- My keys
- Canadian flag button
- City of Kelowna button
- Vancouver, B.C. button
- More AMOA pictures
- Phone number for the guy in charge of construction in my apartment in August
- Note for future List (so you don't strain your eyes - "Things I've Learned From The Daily Poll")
- "Welcome to Austin, Dave" postcard, an invitation to a reception, which is partially obstructed by my monitor, but which may be the ugliest thing I've ever seen, so I'm actually going to take it down right now
- Getting Things Done workflow diagram
- Austin Farmers' Market mural reprint
Willie Nelson's Hire an Austin Musician poster
Monday, January 5, 2009
Things unique to Chicago that I Love
- The CTA
- The impracticality of wearing high heels
- Book Clubs (both – for very different reasons)
- My job
- Krista
- The impracticality of wearing high heels
- Book Clubs (both – for very different reasons)
- My job
- Krista
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Things To Do While Bored Waiting on the Brinks Guy to Come Back and Finish Already
- Make lists
- Go get a Whopper (tm) and eat it
- Email people
- Watch all of *The Darjeeling Limited*
- Listen to Billie Holiday *Fine and Mellow* and *I Can't Get Started*
- Listen to *Adventures in Solitude*
- Watch part of *The Last of the Mohicans*
- Billing (work)
- Play Six Degrees of Separation on Facebook. and it's amazing who your friends' friends are
- Maybe start reading *Twilight*? but I am scared (thank you , Derek, for the gender-/age-appropriate Christmas present. you know me so well.)
Movies I Do Not Like Because These People Are Ridiculous and Annoying and Need to STFU
- Rachel Getting Married
- Dan in Real Life
- The Family Stone
- Home for the Holidays
- Meet the Parents
- Wedding Crashers
Tribute: A Non-Comprehensive List of Things I Have Stolen from People
And by "things I have stolen," I mean: things that I love that you loved first, or in some cases*, things I have stolen.
In alphabetical order of benefactor's name.
Aimee
Austen
In alphabetical order of benefactor's name.
Aimee
- Sand pit lakes
- D'Bronx
- The Frames (and Once)
- Lili Taylor
- "Antonio Banderas or Laurence Fishburne?"
- Vegetarian cuisine, Veggie Heaven and The Grasshopper
Austen
- Adventures in Solitude
- Born loafers*
- REI membership
- Jason Bourne
- The Turkey Sandwich at Texadelphia w/ no mayo, no cheese, add guacamole, add cherry peppers, add jalapenos
- Cheap Wine
- Chuck Bass
- Leftovers*
- Bicycle enthusiasm
- News from Donaldsonville
- "Woof"*
- The National
- SmartWool socks
- 1990s blue Polo button-down shirt*
- Graniteville
- Mrs. Meyer's Clean Day Basil Hand Soap
- Panasonic Plasma HDTV
- Pottery Barn Buffet Table/TV Stand*
- Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion
- Raymond Carver short stories*
- Sam
- The Departed
- 10-second synopsis of The Good Shepherd*
- Matt Damon
- Edward Norton
- Curb Your Enthusiasm
- The Rich Man's Frug, Bob Fosse in general
- Leftovers*
- Asylum Street Spankers
- Shirts not tucked into jeans
- Korean BBQ
- Arcade Fire
- Bollywood musicals
- my french fries back*
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Lists Currently in Draft Form on the *List Anything* Dashboard
1. Untitled
by: Me
date: Today
2. Things You Should Know About "Rich Man's Frug"
by: Julie
date: Feb. 6, 2008
3. My Hilarious Top Ten List
by: Derek
date: Feb. 5, 2008
by: Me
date: Today
2. Things You Should Know About "Rich Man's Frug"
by: Julie
date: Feb. 6, 2008
3. My Hilarious Top Ten List
by: Derek
date: Feb. 5, 2008
Friday, November 28, 2008
Birthday Wishes from 18 Years Ago
Came home for Thanksgiving and found my old journal. Here is the entry from Dec 1, 1990. I was 9.
"Today is my birthday. This morning, my dad got me a muffin. We put a candle in it, and I blew it out. I wished for three wishes.
1. Peace in the middle east!
2. I won't get any more disaplenary slips
3. Green Reebok Pumps"
"Today is my birthday. This morning, my dad got me a muffin. We put a candle in it, and I blew it out. I wished for three wishes.
1. Peace in the middle east!
2. I won't get any more disaplenary slips
3. Green Reebok Pumps"
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Things I Have Done Today While Trying to Work
I am supposed to be working today, and I have been. I promise.
But I am also watching the Longhorns.
I also
- Emailed my client to tell her I hate her company
- Did some catalog shopping
- Edited Austen's resume
- Sent Kevin a text message to wish the Gamecocks good luck
- Read up on the Secretary of State selection
- Checked up on the Prop 8 protests
- Ate a doughnut hole
- Made a pitch for Coca Cola Zero
- Added some new friends on Facebook
- Read the Survivor recap on Television Without Pity
- Took Candice's side against Derek's tomfoolery
- Went outside and thought of all the other things I could on a beautiful day
- Disappointed myself
- Started this list
I do not like working on Saturday.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Funniest Things I Have Seen on TV in a While
#1. Christy/Kelly (*The Divorcees*) getting pounded with paint and water in Delhi on *The Amazing Race*.
#2. The Saturday Night Live Lawrence Welk skit. (..."with my by myself"...)
#3. Terence and Sarah (aka Hamilton and Meg Swan, of *Best in Show*) on *The Amazing Race* doing absolutely anything, including but not limited to
#2. The Saturday Night Live Lawrence Welk skit. (..."with my by myself"...)
#3. Terence and Sarah (aka Hamilton and Meg Swan, of *Best in Show*) on *The Amazing Race* doing absolutely anything, including but not limited to
- Yelling at each other
- Getting hit on the head by a taxi trunk
- Trying to get a clue from a soccer referee coincidentally holding a red & yellow flag
- Looking for a clue in a bird cage
- Complaining that they do not have friends
#4. The last fifteen minutes of *The Black Dahlia* starring Ms. Hilary Swank.
#5. Sarah Palin's "fungible commodities" speech
#6. Anderson Cooper professing his love for Nene of the Real Housewives of Atlanta.
#7. Bye bye Marcus, God of Kota.
#8. Little Jenny Humphrey walking the streets of Brooklyn carrying a SEWING MACHINE
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Three Songs that break my heart (in the best possible way)
“American Tune” Paul Simon
“Down to Zero” Joan Armatrading
“Fruits of My Labor” Lucinda Williams
okay, I admit it, that’s not Lucinda. Somehow, that’s the first hit, though, when you youtube the song, and I think I’m a little bit in love with his cover. Link to Lucinda’s audio right here.
“Down to Zero” Joan Armatrading
“Fruits of My Labor” Lucinda Williams
okay, I admit it, that’s not Lucinda. Somehow, that’s the first hit, though, when you youtube the song, and I think I’m a little bit in love with his cover. Link to Lucinda’s audio right here.
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February 11, 2009 1:19 PM