Services I would pay for

• Someone to moisturize me
• Someone to remind me, when I’m at the market, that I need toilet paper or sparkling wine
• Someone to keep track of all of the projects I think up, and then remind me of some of them when I’m bored
• Someone to read my mind about what I want from all of my technologies and then program said technologies to do those things
• Someone to find me my next (and perfect) job
•  Someone to read the mind of my cat when he’s acting like insanity on legs
• Someone to wash and put away the cutleries

Great ideas I’ve had this week

“You should come up with a multiphase plan to woo Pilar.”

“Instead of writing her a check, I think I’ll just give her a $100
bill. Everyone loves having a hunsky.”

“I’d like Indian food for dinner. And a cocktail.”

“I should go back in time to when I was a kid and become good at
volleyball and then become a beach volleyball player and then now be
retiring from the Olympic team. This plan seems more likely than me
ever getting a new job.”

“I need a mnemonic device to remember which Olsen twin it is that I like.”

“Let’s open a hidden ladies’ lounge called Powder Room.”

“I should update my blog.”

List Karen made while we're teaching tax training

Things from Billy Joel's We Didn't Start the Fire that are still burning

• China
• Television
• North Korea
• Vaccine
• Brooklyn's got a winning team (maybe) 
• Disneyland
• Trouble in the Suez
• Lebanon
• California baseball
• U2 (albeit a different one) 
• Dylan
• John Glenn
• Birth control
• Palestine
• Terror on the airline
• Ayatollah's in Iran
• Foreign debts
• Homeless Vets

It will still burn on, and on, and on, and on...

via kottke.org

Things I Judge

1. Elementary School Science Fair - every year for about 12 years
2. Texas Downtown Awards - just once
3. You - Sometimes (I'm sorry.)
4. Me - Always

List of clutter

Things on my coffee table right now. 2 coffee mugs My Laptop 1 pair of sunglasses 3 coasters 4 candle holders Box for Austen's watch (that he wears and has had for a month) 2 pair 3D glasses. Taco bell napkin Taco bell receipt Wireless mouse case Straw wrapper (guessing from taco bell) Play station controller WD hard drive remote Large binder clip Room & Board catalogue Statement for Austen's IRA account Headphones Pen Various USB plugs Necklace Box of thank you notes Austen's credit card iPhone charger Letter to Austen from Humana Some work email of Austen's A wedding card from Susannah J.Crew catalogue Wedding sign in book photo album A mailer from pwc reminding me to get an "executive health exam" Austen's birthday card from my grandma There is not spell check available on iPad. Don't judge.

Goals

When I was a junior in high school, here are some things I really, really wanted:

• To go to Longview Mall every weekend and eat chick fil a.
• For a republican - at the time, George Bush - to win the presidential election. 
• To want to make out with a girl, and to eventually marry a woman.
• For Michelle Pfeiffer to win an Oscar. 

Update: 

• I still want Michelle Pfeiffer to win an Oscar. 

Something's Gotta Give

So, as most of you know, I drink too much.  And most of the time that drinking takes place in my living room, in my computer chair, in front of the television.  So I got to thinking the other day that maybe I need to get rid of my television and my cable and that led me to this list.  Television shows that I am currently watching or waiting to start the next season.  This is ridiculous.

• Veep
• Game of Thrones
• The Newsroom
• True Blood
• Episodes
• Dexter
• Homeland
• Perception
• The Mentalist
• New Adventures of Old Christine (all repeats - thanks Julie)
• Raising Hope (thanks Blaine)
• Happy Endings (thanks gang)
• Suits
• Burn Notice
• White Collar
• In Plain Sight
• The Daily Show
• Colbert Report
• It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
• Community
• 30 Rock
• Parks and Rec
• The Office
• Fringe
• Tosh .0
• Justified
• Leverage
• Damages
• Prime Suspect (assuming it's coming back)
• Castle
• House of Lies
• Touch
• Mad Men
• Franklin & Bash
• Louie
• Luther
• Masterpiece Mystery (Sherlock)
• Psych
• The League
• Family Guy
• Workaholics
• Misfits (hulu)
• Whites (hulu)
• Spy (hulu)
• Buffy (through netflix -- on season 3 of 9)

What do you think?  Am I spending too much time watching television?

5 Favorite Films of Really Interesting Me

 The first two will ALWAYS be my first two but the other three are on a constant rotation.  This just happens to be how I feel right now and for some reason, they're all classics.  Sorry.

1. The General (1927) - Truly a masterpiece.  Long before special effects and fancy things like sound, Buster Keaton paved the way for generations to come with a comedy that's also a love story and an action film.  His stunts are breathtaking and all the more powerful when you realize that's actually him on a moving train.

2. It's a Wonderful Life (1946) - I have long contested that should aliens visit our planet, this would the be the one movie I would show them to represent mankind.  It's about family, love, heartbreak, greed, corruption and ultimately, redemption.  While maybe not my favorite movie ever made, I do believe it's the best movie ever made (and that's a whole other list).

3. 12 Angry Men (1957) - Anyone who liked the movie Crash should re-watch this movie (or In the Heat of the Night) as an example of how to make a movie about prejudice without hitting you over the head with it.  But story aside, watching the actors go toe-to-toe for an hour and a half is the real beauty of this film.  One of the best casting in a film ever (again, another list).

4. Casablanca (1942) - The best screenplay ever written.  Period.

5. Rope (1948) - I owe most of my cinematic love to P. Jenks but this will forever be the best gift he ever gave me.  I'm not gonna lie, Rear Window and Vertigo are tied for my top 3 favorite Hitchock films and since the previous two have already been used, and since I do not like to repeat, I went with this one.  But that shouldn't lessen the value of this brilliant film.  Shot as 'one take', Al Hitch made the tension so palpable you almost find yourself yelling at the screen.  In fact, I'm going to watch this today.

5 favorite films of a different me

or, Favorite 5 (plus-3) because I just can't do it, but I can be clever about it. 
Warning: the word masterpiece (and other similarly silly words) is gonna be overused, appropriately

So this one is obvious. I quote it every day. That poster is my favorite tangible item in my possesion, now or ever. No movie has entertained me more. I might remember movies where I have laughed harder or louder (different list idea), but I don't know of any that have made me laugh longer. I love movies (and I love screwball comedies), but man I wish I loved them as much as Peter Bogdanovich. And if any movie deserves to be on this list, it's the one that introduced Madeline Kahn to the world.

Peter Bogdanovich made this the year before he made What's Up Doc?, and it couldn't be more different. It's also a masterpiece, but it is one of heartbreak and nostalgia and hope and all the things that make my heart hurt and then swell. Peter Bogdanovich made Paper Moon two years later, and you can't find a better 1-2-3 by any director.

Like The Last Picture Show, this movie stirs me in a way not many others can or will, but it is also a comic masterpiece. I doubt Austen will make a list so I will steal his often-stated opinion that this movie boasts the best ending in film history. I get tears in my eyes, and smile involuntarily, just thinking about it.

It's hard to pin down the best Hitchcock film because, again, masterpieces, but for purposes of "favorites" I've always picked Rear Window. Notorious is a close second in this race, but something about Rear Window has always won out. That something might be Thelma Ritter.

I don't know if I've ever been more captivated by a movie. I picture myself from the first minute sitting in front of the screen slack-jawed, waiting and knowing something beautiful was going to happen. Robert Mitchum is beauty enough (good grief, those eyes) but Lillian Gish singing harmony on "Leaning on the Everlasting Arms"? Holy shit. Everything about this movie gives me goose bumps all over. 

Plus-3:  One Repeat and Two Non-English Films

What DJ said.

Some words already used: Masterpiece. Captivated. Goose bumps. Tears. Beauty. Best love story ever.

This film is as rich as any novel, and of all the movies I have ever seen, none has made me happier to be human.

5 Favorite Films of Interesting Me

Inspired by Buzzfeed and dubbed interesting by P. Jenkins, here's a list of my 5 Favirote Films. Or, here's my favorite movie, plus 4 (in no particular order) that are always in my top 10, but today I felt like were in my top 5. 

1. Network (1976)
It’s forward-thinking and even more relevant 30+ years later, duh. BUT, even if it were totally dated, the writing is so smart and the actors are sooo good (maybe the best ensemble performance ever) that its longevity doesn’t matter. Best movie ever.

2.-5. Vertigo (1958)
Besides the intense and unexpected plot, the imagery (e.g., back alley/flower shop scene) is incredible. Also, the music is perfect.

2.-5. Chinatown (1974)
I love it for the same exact reasons I love Vertigo above. Makes me want a time machine to go back to 1930’s Los Angeles.

2.-5. Quiz Show (1994)
Combines all of my favorite things - television, history, trivia, politics – into a great story with some great dialogue and delivery (“Your name is mine!”).

2.-5. The Truman Show (1998)
A great idea for a movie (pre-reality TV, too) that could have been just tarrible, but instead it’s believable, hilarious and actually moving. Also, you wouldnt believe how many times a week I seriously ask myself, "Is this all being filmed?"

*Bonus – LOTR Trilogy
Any list of my favorite movies has to include them because not only did I watch them, but I eventually obsessed over a fantasy adventure. No fantasy movie before that or any since has been able to do that.

Notes on Krull

See the Troll 2 list for backstory. I asked Jon to watch Krull. I watched it too, and took notes.

Tidbit: I first saw Krull in the theater because my aunt wanted to see War Games but I was too scared of Russians and WWIII so I refused and made her watch this piece of shit.


Music trumpet voluntarys
Flying star
Stanford Sherman
Peter Yates!
Ate these knights saying all these things? 
Editing terrible
The offense and defense is hilarious. 
Swashbuckling!
Star wars
LOTR
Liam neeson is hot and awesome
What's with the eye fetish , this old man with his eyes closed the whole time.
Open them, you might be able to see
How are those things IN the swamp?!
Why are those two backing up?
Why did the cyclops finally talk to them?
Quicksand scene is a master class in terrible acting and editing and music.
This could not be less suspenseful. 
Power is fleeting. Love is eternal. 
"Think on it." 
He is STILL in that spider web?

Notes on Troll 2

Boxcar and I made a deal to assign each other a shitty movie and each of us would have to write up a review. I sent him my review a couple weeks ago but I have this list in my notes app on my iPad. Which I now share with you. The movie I had to watch was Troll 2. You should definitely watch it.

It starts in the middle
That hat!
I hope this kid dies soon
"Goblins don't need to justify their cruel acts." I wonder if the writers will feel the same way about this cruel plot. Torturing me. 
Peter is awfully slow.
Acting like an educational film. 
80s leotard is sexy. 
Grown man doing business in pajamas
Who vacations in nilbog?
"Cut out your liiiiil nuts and eat them." 
This girl looks like the 80s and then transitions into a prairie girl with total earnestness.
He wants to bring his friends?  
"Sing that song I like so much." Row Your Boat
They couldn't afford a third troll for the sister. 
I think this mother is an alien 
Sister keeps switching seats. 
At this time of night? It's the morning. 
The dad's sales pitch. 
Eat before we eat you. 
These inconsistent children's attitudes. 
Typical country hospitality!
They take a long time to eat. 
They've poured like 6 drinks a piece. 
Who puts icing on corn on the cob?!?
And all the sudden the dad is a drill sargesnt in charge o
Good joke with the belt
What a tackle!
The speech to the trolls
The arch of the speartoss
Why not go back downhill?
This is my house 
Her eyebrows are very emotive
Thank you for the icing sandwich!
The crazy lady is acting like she's in a different movie, only I can't decide if that movie is better or worse. 
It's a message movie!
This couple has no chemistry 
Definitely the sexiest goblin preacher in film history
The first of many questions is why I'd this movie called troll 2?
Was there a troll 1? Did it also have goblins and not trolls?
really just want it to end. 
We learn they can transport in a flash. Dissipate. Apparate. 
Best use of bologna in a film. 

Movies

To The Best of My Knowledge, Movies My Mom Has Seen in the Theater in My Lifetime

• Best Little Whorehouse in Texas
• Steel Magnolias
• The Apostle
• My Big Fat Greek Wedding
• Bernie

To The Best of My Knowledge, Movies My Dad Has Seen in the Theater in My Lifetime

• Bernie

Summer Goals

Read books.

See movies.

Listen to lots of good country music (starting with the radio on my drive back from Marshall yesterday, which inspired today's purchase of The Essential Earl Thomas Conley (!!!)).

If not develop actual workout habit, introduce concept.

Do things that, if I lived somewhere else, I might not have the chance to do.

Hang out with people I like.

Things I Was Doing

at 10:34 this morning, when answering an email that asked, "what are you up to?"

Finishing my coffee

filling in a coworker on a city of A***** public meeting yesterday where EVERYTHING I said was completely ignored (I am still very mad), and

calling back a lady from a company called Fancy Hands, which she claims is an "internet task agency" but I'm not so sure

Major Changes for Reunion

More updates from the not-my-class reunion:

Hello classmates,

I pray all is well with everyone!

Appears that after 20 years, the Class of 1992 still cannot seem to come together as a class. Unfortunately, there has not been anymore payments sent in, we still only have 21 total payments received, which is NOT nearly enough to do the reunion as planned. Therefore, I am forced to down size. 

[and then some more stuff and then a LIST of cuts, which I will paste here right now] 

Cut#1
We will NOT be having the meet/greet at the Marshall High School on Friday, June 22, 2012. 

Cut#2
There will NOT be a 5 course meal as planned on Saturday, June 23, 2012 for the main event, instead we will be catering finger foods just to have food on site for those that will be drinking (BYOB). 

Cut#3
There will NOT be any souvenirs, t-shirts will act as souvenirs for those that order them. T-shirts are $10 each. There will be a minimal amount of extras t-shirts ordered to sell at the reunion; first come, first serve, once they are gone, that's it. SO if you want to assure to get a t-shirt, you NEED to order and pay for them ahead.

Cut#4
The early bird drawing will be cut to $25 from the $75 original prize amount.

Cut#5
There will be minimal decorations but we will have a area decorated for pictures so please come dressed nice. STILL, NO TANK TOPS, FLIP FLOPS, TENNIS SHOES, NO PARK ATTIRE, COME BUSINESS CASUAL OR SEMI-FORMAL. 

[Guess what was not cut--the comedy show. is what]

Transformative Things

Today I feel better than I have in weeks. Here are the things to which I attribute my success:

• Surprise! No work tonight (I have had evening meetings every night this week, and tonight's was canceled)
• 8 hours of sleep last night
• Neti pot

Crisspoints System

Oh, Liz Lemon.

CHORES
ENTHUSIASM FOR CRISSPOINTS SYSTEM
REFERRING TO ME AS KHALEESI
SITTING ON MY FEET
FIXING THE INTERNET
ABSOLUTE SILENCE DURING "CELEBRITY APPRENTICE"
UNLOADING THE DISHWASHER
KILLING SPIDERS
TALKING TO NEIGHBORS SO I DON'T HAVE TO
GOING TO POST OFFICE
LISTENING TO ME DESCRIBE MY DREAM

REWARDS AND POINTS VALUES
DINNER OUT - 10 POINTS
VISIT BEACH - 25 POINTS
LIZ WILL WEAR SILK UNDERTRUNKS - 30 POINTS
MOVE YOUR BOAT PAINTING OUT OF CLOSET - 100 POINTS
DAYLIGHT SEX - 200 POINTS
CRISS CAN GROW JOKE MUSTACHE - 275 POINTS
FOOD SHARING - 300 POINTS

Andy & April's Runaway Plans

*mild spoiler alert*
 
Places to Live

• Germany
• Greenland
• Australia
• Moon
• Chicago
• Florida (Everglades)
• Jamaica
• Pegasus
• New Caprica
• George (Not USA the other one)
• Winterfell
• Montana
• S. Africa (D.M.B.)
• U.S.S.R. Russia
• Bermuda
• Bahama
• Key Largo
• Montego
• Cocomo
• Amazon Village
• Seattle
• Burly's House on L.Michigan

Dream Jobs - April

• Warrior/Witch
• Sub
• Dental hygienist who's also a medium

Dream Jobs - Andy

• Scientist
• Coach
• Detective
• F.B.I. Agent
• Policemen
• C.I.A. Agent
• Shoeshine Guy
• Cop

What You Get For Your $75

I have been mistakenly included on an email list for the MHS Class of '92 Reunion coming up this summer. Here's what you get, verbatim of course, for your registration fee of $75 per person or $125 per couple. But please see warning above (in this awesome font that has been chosen for the entire four pages, by the way)!

• Friday night meet/greet (food)
• Saturday dinner*
• Comedy Show
• DJ and Dance
• One (1) t-shirt per $75 and two (2) t-shirts per $125 paid in full
• One (1) reunion souvenir
• Door prizes TBD later
• If an Early Bird Registration**, then you will be entered into a drawing to win a monetary prize, possibly a full reimbursement

*Dinner Menu

• Grilled Chicken Breast
• Mashed Potatoes
• Green Beans
• Toss Salad
• Homemade Dinner Rolls
• Peach Cobbler
• Sweet/Unsweet Tea
• BYOB
  

**Early Bird Registration = payment made/post-dated by April 21, 2012.

Alternatives to Intercourse

This list was on Jess' chalkboard during last night's *New Girl* episode (which is probably my favorite episode of this show, mainly thanks to Dermot Mulroney (still) being awesome and Schmidt heckling from the car in his mother's voice and Nick wearing a little ha-yat, among other reasons). Anyway, the list.

Alternatives to Intercourse
(For children, by Jess Day).

• Get to know a neighbor
• Tick/lice check
• Change your email password
• Look at pics of STDs
• Write a convict
• Meet a friend for decaf
• Watch Friday Night Lights

Best Music Things of the Month

Best Song - Lower Dens - Brains - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rI2o-BuQ8eE

Best Album - Dr. Dog - Be The Void - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dmq7MSwUUAQ

Best Album Runnerup - Grimes - Visions - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m5H-YlcMSbc

Catchiest Tune - Gotye - Somebody I Used To Know - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UVNT4wvIGY

Best Thing I Expected to be Good - Josh Ritter - Bringing In The Darlings - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dzMN0TTpblg

Please Don't Talk To Me About My Items, Really Nice Whole Foods Lady

(and make me inadvertently pretend to be part of a couple by using the word *we* no seriously I did that)

• Cajun Sesame Sticks from bulk
• Grated Parmigiano Reggiano
• Slice Lemon Icebox Pie
  
• Half Loaf Parmesan Basil Bread, sliced
• Red Wine
• Abita Mardi Gras

Movie highlights (January 2012)

The best things about some of the movies I saw this month:

• The American:  
• George Clooney's timepiece
• runner-up: the first 10 or minutes or so

• Haywire: 
• Awesome/ridiculous hair and make-up in later acts
• Runner-up: the deer (I like to think an homage to The Long Kiss Goodnight)
• Bonus: ask Jon about his favorite part

• The Artist:  
• Jean Dujardin's smile 
• Runners-up: George and the dog at the table; Peppy and the coat on the hatstand 
• Bonus:  Old man who clapped at the end. As he left the theater, he asked other people (i.e., strangers):  "Wasn't that incredible?!" Then, to all: "That was the best movie I've seen in 40 years! It showed the human spirit!"

• Tiny Furniture
• Laurie Simmons, the actor/writer/director's mother, as Siri, her mother. 

• The Iron Lady:
  
  • (Meryl Streep was pretty amazing, but a movie should not be a pointless one-woman stage production, so she loses out to) awesome Viserys as her young husband
  • Runner-up: the Dr. Strangelove scene (which actually looks more like Star Wars, or a cartoon)
  • Bonus: ask DJ about his favorite part 

• The Descendants:  
• The preview for Coriolanus
• Bonus: it made me go home and watch Citizen Ruth again to re-appreciate Alexander Payne.

• Citizen Ruth:  
• Laura Dern's facial expressions
• The kicking. Oh my, the kicking.

Fictional characters I am in love with...

...in a way I can not explain. And if I tried to explain it to you, you would probably enroll me in therapy immediately.

Tami Taylor, Friday Night Lights
Peeta Mellark*, The Hunger Games
Eddie Birdlace, Dogfight
Tessa Quayle, The Constant Gardener
Billy Parham, The Crossing
Peter Whitman, The Darjeeling Limited
Robert Benchley, Mrs. Parker and the Vicious Circle
Finny**, A Separate Peace
David Seton Barnes, Soapdish
Chantelle, Passion Fish
Boyd Crowder, Justified
Sera, Leaving Las Vegas
Jack Baker and Susie Diamond, The Fabulous Baker Boys

*Yes, this is creepy, but I love him. Sorry.
**This is less creepy because I have been in love with him since I was 16. Not sorry.

P.S. If my Friday Night Lights and creepy quotas had not yet been met, I would probably also add Matt Saracen, Luke Cafferty, and Tim Riggins. Sorry?

make that 4 things....

4. This quote from a critic:

"Take heart in the probability that neither Fassbender nor Swinton are the type of talents to place any more stock in these contests than we critics do. Indeed, I'm sure Swinton is too busy orchestrating morris-dancing flashmobs and rock-painting in the Hebrides, or whatever it is she does in her spare time, to have heard today's news. If nothing else, I'm sure they're both pretty pleased for Gary Oldman. Who isn't?"

3 things

1. Gary Oldman!!!
2. Terrence Malick!
3. Poor Albert Brooks :-(

Things I am selling in the garage sale tomorrow

Multiple jigsaw puzzles
Scrabble
An ugly throw pillow
Bunn coffee maker
Coffee table (from Target!)
Dry-cleaned men's slacks (size skinnier)
An old lady TV tray thing my mom gave me for no discernible reason
A hard rock Mozart t-shirt
Two t-shirts from work
2 boxes of VHS tapes (lots of Hitchcock, Sayles, and Pfeiffer)

Things Leslie Knope Is Pro

1. Parks

2. Public Safety

3. Environmental regulation

4. Local proposition 45

5. Local proposition 86

6. Local proposition 102F

7. More Dog Parks

8. Senior Citizens Rights

9. Safe Streets

10. Safe Sidewalks

11. Better Schools

12. Lower Taxes

13. Better Parks

14. Better business climate

15. Better Better Business Bureau

16. Cleaner Streets

17. Improve greenways

18. More snow plows

19. Protecting Pawneeans

20. Improving tourism

21. More trash cans

22. Energy-efficient street lights

23. Westside Detoxification and Revitalization Project

24. Repaving Grand Avenue

25. More Teachers

26. Fewer Libraries

27. Improve intergovernmental agency communication

28. Clean-up barefoot lake

29. Passing Pawnee Jobs Bill P-129.4

30. Playgrounds in every park

31. Playgrounds in every schoolyard

32. Playgrounds in every residential block

33. Clean energy

34. One police officer for every 5 citizens

35. One park ranger for every 10,000 raccoons

36. Resodding Hilltop Cemetery

37. Start talking to Cuba again

38. Emergency evacuation drills

39. Plow For Charity

40. Forming an Ad Hoc Sub-Committee Oversight Committee

41. Challenging the norm

42. Pawnee Corn Subsidies

43. Finally Passing PR-61, formally recognizing South Korea

44. Official peace treaty with Wamapoke Tribe

45. Four-way stops at every intersection

46. Unionizing ice cream trucks

47. Get Europe out of debt

48. Free trade with Illinois

49. Enact RRP- Raccoon Relocation Project

50. Pawnee Community College tuition in exchange for 4 years of public service

51. Doubling Pawnee Hospital's emergency room nurse staff

52. Legalize Korean

53. Lower the obesity level

54. Stop global terrorism

55. Re-open the toucan exhibit at Pawnee Zoo

56. Find Gabe the Toucan

57. More community gardens

58. Ordinance 11F: To re-pave City Sidewalks

59. Budget Reform

60. Updated Technologies for Local Schools

61. Better retirement benefits for city employees

62. Edward Phillips Senior Center Remodeling

63. Speed bumps in front of elementary schools

64. Unemployment benefits

65. Re-installing the Main St. Farmers Market

66. No turtles as pets

67. New uniforms for youth sports programs

68. Free Public Wi-Fi

69. Updated childcare facilities

70. Shutting down the Child Left Behind program

71. Handicap parking placards for the obese

72. FREE PARKING EVERYWHERE

73. Cleaner drinking water

74. Regulate heights of trampolines

75. Memorial for those lost in the trampoline "incident"

76. Control the floods

77. Funding for public art commission

78. Fencing in correctional facilities

79. New police patrol cars

80. Funding overtime for police

81. Rebuilding the PTA

82. Prosecuting former PTA president Linda Trifle

83. Profitable government organizations

84. Shutting down underground shooting ranges

85. Making sure city contracts employ local workers

86. Providing more economic development grants and micro-loans to small businesses

87. Foster partnerships with sister cities

88. More buses to speed up morning commutes

89. More streets to accommodate additional buses

90. Require all city employees to check and respond to email

91. Working sewers

92. More parades

93. Grants for scientists to discover new forms of energy

94. Leave a lasting impression on all visitors

95. Challenge the norm (Ed. note: So important it's listed twice.)

96. Finish the statue of Burt Bacharach

97. No more conflict diamonds

98. Bulletproof glass everywhere

99. Free cookies at every street corner

100. One school for every student

101. Require flattering mirrors in public restrooms

102. Develop a municipal composting operation

103. Enforce existing speeding and noise ordinances

104. Upgrade existing parks

105. Create an anti-graffiti youth outreach program

106. Free cake when it's your birthday

107. Reevaluate NAFTA

108. Rickshaw Wednesdays

109. Making it illegal to refuse a hug

110. Make downtown more people-friendly

111. Sell candy in government buildings to pay down the debt

112. Get Pawnee a licensed pharmacy

113. Better screening processes at local adoption agencies

114. Finding homes for the adopted children of Day Labor Corp.

115. Prop 6A: To Recognize All Five Food Groups

116. Pawnee

117. Hot Dogs

Thanks to PJenkins for pointing me to this transcription from last night's campaign ad.

Acts performing at the Houston Rodeo that I have never heard of

• Luke Bryan
• Big Time Rush
• China Anne McClain
• Chris Young
• Duelo (Tejano Day)
• The Band Perry

Seriously, who are these people?

Tidbits on getting old

Vision
 - I can't read anything up close, making it hard for me to know how long to cook my soups or take my medicine.
 - I have a very hard time reading on computers.
 - After looking at anything moderately bright, I struggle to regain focus (involving lots of bug-eyeing).

NOTE (reason for list): I have had to reformat this blog because the white-on-black is nearly impossible for me to read. Screencap of the old blog after the jump, if you're interested or nostalgic. Ideas welcome for new formats.

Hearing
 - My right ear rings constantly (three simultaneous whistles).
 - I have worn ear plugs to a concert and a football game in the past 4 months.
 - The doctor said I have "significant hearing loss." (He also asked if I worked in a factory.)

Body - other
 - My right knee creaks when I bend it.
 - So does my neck when I turn it.
 - I hold hand rails on stairs.

Misc. Taste in Things
 - When UH bought 91.7 from Rice with the intent of changing it from a student-run station into a 24-hour classical station, I was so pissed. I signed petitions! But that was over 6 months ago. I am now totally content with my classical station.
 - I also listen to jazz a lot (much to Julie's and Jon's disappointment).
 - I love beets. 
 - My hair is hideous and I have no idea how it should look. Same goes for my clothes.
 - I own CDs with 4 of the "awesome songs" Julie mentioned in the post below. (I guess I could have stopped at "I own CDs").

Kids today
 - presented without comment

What the heck is that?
 - Spotify
 - Dubstep
 - Lana Del Rey
 - All these things that work through the TV (other than the Playstation and the Netflix, which my brother got me hooked up on like I was already in a nursing home and now I am that old person who can work that one device perfectly but don't change anything!!!)

Awesome Songs I Heard On My Car Radio Today

This was all within 5 miles, no traffic, about 3 regular radio stations. A very high winner to dud ratio. Is what I'm saying.

• (I'm Gonna Be) 500 Miles - The Proclaimers
  
• No Rain - Blind Melon
• Everything That Glitters (Is Not Gold) - Dan Seals
• Boys of Summer - Don Henley
• Bitter Sweet Symphony - The Verve

How lucky am I?!

School Papers

A list from Tavi Gevinson in this month's Rookie editor's letter. Tavi is 15 and quite awesome. This list comes after first saying that staying up all night to write a paper is the best. Then she acknowledges what P.Jenkins and I know to be true:

It is not actually that great for paper-writing. I hate myself every time I am writing a paper at 3 AM. I do not condone it. Here is a list of names I have saved school papers under on my desktop:

poop farts
piece of shit
i hate everything
i hate everyone
lol cry
ugh

Things I Saw Around the Ark-La-Tex Today

• Hearse for sale
• Random man riding a horse near the airport
• Hayroll turkey
• Kroger bagboy riding a Rascal shopping cart through the parking lot

Quotes in my Blackberry's "MemoPad"

I like to type things people say into my phone. I just got a new phone and now I need to do something with these gems. I've decided to list some here.

• "I don't like TVs in the bedroom. It hinders conversation and romance."  - DJ 
• "For five dollars I got two pitchforks full of beef. And they were gross." - Candice
• "Hey dickcheese! What's in a gypsy bomb?!" - Drunk guy, at the Waterin Hole in Kerrville yelling across the patio
• "If you want a music scene, you've got Seattle; you've got Dallas." - Drunk guy, at Komodo in Houston
• "I went to the farmer's market. There was this old lady there. She was nice, so I bought her jelly."  - Michael 
• "I don't have hair like you. That protective sheath of ducks' locks." - Derek, to me.
• "His breath is like the gulf coast." - Kim, about Jose [RIP]
• "That's a medium?!" - Pat, about a coke at the movie theater, to the theater employee who sold it to him
• "Did they have depraved childhoods?" - Paz, about kids who didn't know the Thundercats
• "This looks crowded!" - Paz, looking at a picture of Mardi Gras, explaining why we need to hurry to get downtown for Mardi Gras
• "You don't want to be the guy at the party who brings his dog." - Ragan
• "What are you, 80? Sensodyne?" - Walt
• "Random dogs in cars can be a dangerous thing." - Will
• "He's like a friend but he's just talking to you all the time." - Will, about Brian Williams
• "You know what? I'm gonna have a lemonade." - Grown man, to the girl taking his order at Becks when she asked if he'd like anything to drink.
• "Are those your drink sizes, there [pointing]?" - Lemonade-ordering man, when the girl at Becks asked what size lemonade he would like. 

TV Project Status Report

Since when did I become a TV person?  Since Netflix.  An update on my Netflix TV projects and where I am on my (and your) favorite shows, with commentary, natch.

Friday Night Lights. (Buster's favorite) Just finished Season 3. Everyone should watch this, especially Julie. And everyone should totally skip Season 2, entirely.

The Good Wife. (Derek's favorite) Stuck on Season 2, Episode 4. (I watched 18 episodes of Season 1 in one day while dogsitting. #bestdayever?)

Sports Night. (Julie's favorite) In the queue.

The Wire. (Mia's favorite) On a flash drive plugged into my Playstation.

Party Down. (Jon's favorite). Finished. Restarted. Ready for the movie. 

Luther. Waiting on Jon.

Justified. Just finished Season 1.

Breaking Bad. (Candice's favorite) On Season 4, Episode 2.

Louie. Only 2 episodes in. 

Deadwood. (My favorite) Finished. Will someone please watch this?!  Please. I will host.

Battlestar Galactica. Finished. Restarted.

Mad Men. Up to date. Hurry up!

Any more recommendations?

Award Season 1

I was thinking of this earlier, but didn't post it. Jon's list on Michael Fassbender and Brad Pitt makes it somewhat relevant. Below are the Golden Globe Nominees for Best Actor in a Drama.  Has there ever been a hotter list of actors nominated at any non-peoples-choice type awards? [I am going to research this.]

Best Actor
Michael Fassbender
Ryan Gosling
Brad Pitt
George Clooney
Leonardo DiCaprio

[To say nothing of Best Supporting Actor nominee Viggo.]

Conversely - 4 out of 5 on the Best Actress list are the older, respectable type. Huzzah!

Best Actress
Tilda Swinton
Viola Davis
Meryl Streep
Glenn Close
Rooney Mara

The Many Opinions of Alec Baldwin

I'm home watching football and this ad for some credit card comes on the tv with Alec Baldwin and it got me to thinking about how different people perceive different things. And now I am going to share my thoughts.

ALEC BALDWIN
1. Average Joe - 30 Rock
2. Film Student - Glengarry Glen Ross
3. Film Buff - Miami Blues
4. Me - All of the above, Hunt for Red October, Beetlejuice, SNL

MICHAEL FASSBENDER
1. Average Joe - Who?
2. Film Student - Inglorious Basterds
3. Film Buff - A Dangerous Method/ Hunger
4. Me - See 2 and 3 and add Shame and anything else he does

CLAIRE DANES
1. Average Joe - Romeo and Juliet/ Terminator 3
2. Film Student - Igby Goes Down
3. Film Buff - The Hours
4. Me - Homeland and the fact that she's the most beautiful woman ever
5. Blaine - Stardust
6. Julie - My So Called Life

BRAD PITT
1. Average Joe - Snatch
2. Film Student - Fight Club
3. Film Buff - Tree of Life
4. Me - Moneyball

* I'm already tired but could go on and on...

The 20 Unhappiest People You Meet In The Comments Sections Of Year-End Lists

I thought you year-end list-makers and -readers would enjoy this dead-on list from NPR's pop culture blog, Monkey See. --xo, jf

1. The Poisoned. "The fact that you included Adele on this list of 100 things you like makes it a total joke."

2. The Really Pretty Sure Person, Who Is Really Pretty Sure. "I've never seen Game Of Thrones, but I'm really pretty sure it's not as good as Boardwalk Empire."

3. The Person Who Is Exactly Right. "It really seems like this list of things you thought were good is just your opinion."

4. The Surprisingly Lucid Narcoleptic. "ZZZZZZZZZ" is the classic. "SNORE" and "YAWN" are acceptable variants.

5. The Mother Of Tim "Freckles" Matterley. "There is a musician in Ann Arbor named Tim Matterley who is better than all these songs! You would like his music. He has a web site at FrecklesMatterley.com, and you can get his songs free on your computer! Please check out Tim Matterley, who does not have a big record contract YET but is very very good!!!!" Two comments later, she will often come back. "Also, Tim Matterley is in this YouTube video where he plays 'Imagine' at a children hospital. I am just one fan but I think he is great and he will go far!!!"

6. The Read A Book Guy. "Not one of these movies is as good as reading a book." On a list of books, by the way, he will say none of the books is as good as books used to be. He also hates Kindles, which he may or may not mention.

7. The Self-Punisher. "I always hate your tastes, so I knew this would be a miserable and useless list before I decided to click on it and read the whole thing, and now I know I was right."

8. The Unwitting Outlier. "Has anyone really cared about George Clooney since ER?"

9. The Person With The Imperfect Grasp Of Obscurity. "These are all completely obscure picks nobody has ever heard of. The Girl With A Dragon Tattoo sounds like a Dr. Seuss book."

10. Harry The Hipster-Hater, Who Really, Really Hates Hipsters. "This is all hipster music. I guess it's okay for hipsters, but I'm not enough of a hipster to like hipster picks like this. Too bad I'm not hipster enough. Maybe I'd like it better if I were more of a hipster." [His username: "notahipstersorry."]

11. The Person Who Thinks You Were So Close. "I like all these picks, but you ranked The Descendants as your #4 and Martha Marcy May Marlene as your #5, and they should be the other way around. FAIL."

12. The Person Who Never Says Die. "Why isn't Arrested Development on this list?"

13. The Subject-Changer. "If we're talking about great comedy performances, I don't know how you can leave out [Barack Obama/the Republican debates/Occupy Wall Street/the Tea Party]. That was the funniest thing I saw all year."

14. The Minimalist. "These blow."

15. The Person Who Is Probably Too Hardcore For You. "The best film of the year was shot in Tokyo and the title translates to I [Bleep]ed Your Grandmother With A [Blank] And [Bleep] You Too. I guess that's probably a little too hardcore for you. You should get outside the multiplex once in a while."

16. The Person Who Is Laughing But Is Actually Not At All Amused. "You put Community on your list instead of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia? Ha ha ha yeah right."

17. The Concerned. "What's wrong with you? No, seriously, what's wrong with you?"

18. The Person Who Wanted To Be Surprised. "Uh, way to go out on a limb. These are the same things you've been talking about all year and saying were the best things when they came out in the first place."

19. The Disbelieving. "Really? Are you serious? Did you mean to leave off my favorite thing? Or did something happen? Did you forget it? Did you think it didn't come out this year? Did you write it down and then accidentally delete it in a technology mishap? Do you not know how to spell it? Really? Are you kidding?"

20. The Humble Alternative. "If you really want to know what the best choices of the year were, I put my list up at my site, KnittingWithDagmarAndLaura.com — it's not just about knitting!"

Fun Facts

I don't know why these facts strike me as fascinating, but they do. I guess they either seem out of character or particularly illuminating. Would love for y'all to add new items in the comments, but I realize that this may be a solo obsession.

1. My boss at the Capitol, who was really amazing at her extremely difficult job and had a reputation as an ice queen, told us one day that she ate pizza for dinner almost every night.
2. One of my coworkers replaces her toothbrush every two weeks.
3. Newt Gingrich is an absolute freak for zoos.
   

Movies I Have Watched While Being Laid Up

So, my back went out. I played ping pong for, like, three hours straight, and after the last game I made some kind of gesture with my hands that made my entire back give out on me (probably some kind of celebratory gesture). I fell to the floor of my game room where I remained for over two hours. Finally my friends CARRIED me to my sofa where I have been since Monday night. In that time I have watched the following movies:

• Bend it Like Beckham - Cute movie and while Keira Knightly in her soccer uniform is worth the price of admission (in this case, free), I'm a little confused by the ending. *spoiler* why is it suddenly okay for the Indian girl to make out with the Irish coach at the airport?
• 30 Minutes or Less - Hilarious.
• For Love of the Game - One of the worst baseball movies ever made (not counting comedies).
• Pirates 4 - Really? I paid for this and didn't even finish it.
• Sleeping Beauty - This is an "updated" "artsy" version where some young girl gets drugged and nailed by old perverted men. Sucked.
• Super - Dwight (from the Office) plays a loser who decides to become a super hero, yada, yada, yada. Pretty funny but after Kick Ass, kinda lame.
• The Dilemma - I can't believe this is a Ron Howard movie. Although, to be fair, Ron Howard isn't always consistent. The whole movie is based on Vince Vaughn being awkward and, oh yeah, him and the zookeeper having the hottest wives ever. Bullshit.
• Gulliver's Travels - Jack Black. Remake. Got 30 minutes into it.
• Unknown - This thing started off pretty awesome. Actually reminded me of a Hitchcock film. And then after the first act, once you figure out the twist, it goes downhill. Too bad. what's-her-name from Mad Men really needs to start getting naked to make it worthwhile to watch her horrible acting.
• Strike Back - okay, this isn't a movie but I watched 10 episodes in a row so it should count as one. Basically like an R rated 24. So, loved it.
  

Last Night (Or: Why I Am Single)

• Against my better judgement, and only because I'd RSVPd, went to a tech-y, business-y launch event after work
• Picked up nametag and immediately went to bar
• Champagne, darling
  
• Was so relieved to see someone I knew that, even though I never liked her all that much, I hugged her
• Talked to her until she said it was time to "go make money"
• Wandered aimlessly around room twice
• Made eye contact with a pretty good looking guy, who was also alone and looked a bit lost
• As he started to approach, I attempted a smile
• Promptly swallowed gum instead
• Made awful face and walked right past him
• Out the door
• All in 15 minutes
• My biggest regret? Not trying the chicken
  

Reasons Why I Love This Commercial

1. It is, without question, the best commercial ever made.
2. See above.

Goals for End of Year 2011

I found this sitting on a coworker's desk the other day:

Movies I MUST Watch If They're On TV

These movies come on tv all the time and I find myself watching at least one of them a week. (I watched Cocktail yesterday and I'm watching Gladiator right now.)

• Coming to America
• Backdraft
• Cocktail
• Liar Liar
• Gladiator
• X-Men
• Tremors
• The Quick and the Dead
• Kindergarten Cop
• Dumb and Dumber
• License to Drive
• Pee Wee's Big Adventure
• Ace Venture: Pet Detective
• Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls
• Silence of the Lambs
• Hannibal
• Home Alone
• Stand By Me