The Curse of Pie

So, long story short...my DVR recorded American Pie for no apparent reason (perhaps a straggler from my Idol season pass??) and better still, I am actually sitting here...watching it. The flick launched a dozen careers (if you include the guy from that White Castle burger film and the girl that went on to star in a soap opera), but it also seems like it has taken a toll on several of the actors. Just check out this list. I’m calling it "The Curse of Pie" (because I’m not good at coming up with names for lists. But here it goes anyway.).

Chris Klein - Was engaged to Katie Holmes, but that fell apart. Shortly after faced charges for drunk driving. But honestly, wouldn’t you be drinking too once you came to the realization that you’ll never get to sleep with Katie Holmes ever again?

Shannon Elizabeth - Divorced. And, more importantly, has NOT removed a single article of clothing on film in 10 years. What’s that all about???

Natasha Lyonne - First of all, I don’t think anybody ever really considered her a real cast member because she was barely in the first movie, right? Well, that must’ve eaten her up inside– the girl has SNAPPED. Awhile back there was a warrant out for her arrest for skipping out on a court date. Oh, and why was she supposed to be in court? Because she threatened to molest her neighbor’s dog. Why would I make this shit up?

Sean William Scott & Alyson Hannigan- They both stuck around for American Wedding. If they’re not careful they’re going to end up like Mr. Belding and Screech in "Saved by the Bell: The New Class." I’m just saying it’s time to move on, that’s all.

The Guy who played Finch & The Kid from Rookie of the Year - I heard they dropped out of acting and now they’re running a 7-11 together in Sandusky, Ohio. Okay, I didn’t actually hear that, I’m just assuming. But you have to admit, it doesn’t sound that far fetched.

Mena Suvari - She’s gone from the Academy Award winning American Beauty to Beauty Shop. Somebody should tell her that just because a movie has the word "beauty" in it, doesn’t mean it’s definitely going to be good. On a side note, I find her ridiculosy hot and have no idea why.

Jason Biggs - Saving Silverman. Boys and Girls. Loser. Prozac Nation. Anything Else. Jersey Girl. My Best Friends Girl. Just tell me when to stop…

Tara Reid - If you actually need me to list the reasons, clearly you rarely check the interweb. But just for fun, I’ll leave you with this.

I think that sort of sums everything up in a nipple. I mean a nutshell.

Words That Mean The Complete Opposite of What They Seem To Mean (To Me, At Least)

A work in progress.

1. Hoi polloi
   

reasons why texas lost tonight

i told susan to tell d.j. to suck it when it was 3-1

derek updated his facebook status to say 3 more outs

Things I did yesterday

• Woke up, noticed truck was missing
• Called 311, was informed truck was towed as an "abandoned vehicle". Hmm, I've driven it every day this week, odd.
  
• Went to tow lot, paid to get truck, only to be informed that my truck was missing all four tires.
  
• Called insurance, police, dealership, another tow truck, etc.
• Got haircut

ethnicities people think i am

I am not sure if that title makes sense, but I often get the question Where are you from? or What is your ethnic back ground? It is amazing how adamant and upset people get when you tell them they are wrong.

• Jewish
• Italian
• Greek
• "some kind of Mediterranean"
• Croatian
• Spanish

Favorite things on the internet this morning

Girl asked for 3 tattoos on face but woke up with 56

Rupp, Longhorns overcome six-run deficit, beat Sun Devils

Texas Cops Break Out the Taser on a 72-Year-Old Woman for Being Old and Curmudgeonly (From Austen)

Oh Crap. My Parents Joined Facebook. (From Austen)

Speed D7 (Coworker sent me this, is planning on buying it)

Free Sampler from SubPop

Re: Shows I've Seen in 2009 (c) Julie

My list (that I can remember):

• Titus Andronicus
• Los Campesinos!
• Andy McWilliams
  
• Lucinda Williams
• Noise Revival Orchestra
• Andrew Bird
• Black Kids
  
• Mates of State
• four hipster Chicago bands (more info to follow, hopefully with a link)
• a cover band from Oak Park
• Jenny's step-dad's friend's cover band from Beaumont
• centro-matic
• Howling Hex
• Bonnie Prince Billy
• David Byrne

2009 has been a good year.

"man things" i need done at my house

aka a few reasons why austen should live in the same city as me. one would think my brother could do some of them, but he is not handy.

• change light bulb in kitchen that i am too short to reach
• change air filter in bedroom that i am too short to reach
• clean the corrosion off of my car battery and refill it with water (the guy at autozone told me how to do it and suggested i have a man do it bc he would know how)
• carry the desk downstairs up to my bedroom on the third floor

Some Albums I've Been Listening To

• Fanfarlo - Reservoir

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-e6453HyewA

• Deer Tick - Born on Flag Day

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EM89oK_vhB0 (off their other album, War Elephant)

• Matt & Kim - Grand

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bJkymylTNU4

• The Pains of Being Pure at Heart - The Pains of Being Pure at Heart

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B4itzHRpltQ

• The Boy Least Likely To - The Law of the Playground

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8y9Unon9Gq4

• Slow Club - Yeah So

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AkH9hfkCbDc

• Great Lake Swimmers - Lost Channels

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H-0HgSHYu2Y

• Manchester Orchestra - Mean Everything to Nothing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X66k0BL5faQ

• Steve Earle - Townes

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nPOOE02sovk

• Ida Maria - Fortress Round My Heart

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cySmUjQB05I

my thoughts on working at my client's office (instead of my own)

Things I like...

1. free bottled water
2. it is 10 min from my house
3. it is by the galleria
4. the security guard and his son who jumped my car this afternoon when my battery died

Things I don't like...

1. working in a conference room with 4 other people and no windows
2. the slow internet that freezes my email
3. it is by the galleria
4. the fort knox like security to get around

eight actors i'd be ok with playing me in the movie of my life

1. james franco
2. gael garcía bernal
3. max minghella
4. emile hirsch
5. joseph gordon-levitt
6. louis garrel
7. penn badgley
8. daniel day-lewis*

* - my later years...because we all know I'm going to be a f*cking badass one day.

The Dark Knight + Pixies = Pop Culture Explosion

Bless you HBO.

my shopping list today

1. 17 avocados
2. 5 cans hot rotel
3. 5 cans original rotel
4. 1 block velveeta
5. 4 20 packs tortillas (corn and flour)
6. 1 24 pack of water
7. 1 12 pack of la croix lime
8. 3 lbs ham
9. 2 packages guacamole mix
10. 1 gallon milk
11. 10lb bag of ice
12. case of miller light

these were the items assigned to me, DJ, Blaine and Austen by Angela for weekend at POC with a few additions

Original Drinks for Lakehouse/Bayhouse Weekends - Updated (and credits added)

• Lakewater -vodka & lime-flavored LaCroix with twist of lime (Karen/Kacey)
  
• Vodkaccino - vodka & Starbucks bottled Frappuccino (Will)
  
• Humble Wildcat - vodka & Purplesaurus Rex Koolaid garnished with cherry (DJ)
  
• POCktail - vodka & Cherry LimeAid, a splash of Sprite with lime wedge (Angela)
  
• Grimm Raider - vodka & blue (or red) Gatorade (Jenny Grimm)
  
• Church Punch - vodka & pineapple nectar/juice & sprite (Kim)
• El Oncé - Tequila (Herradura Silver), club soda, lime (Porn Jenkins)
• Sunblitz - vodka and Sunkist orange soda, splash of club soda (Julie)

Revised for new additions and to give credit where credit is due.

Overheard at the Family Reunion, Part 2

He looks like Teen Wolf mid-transition.

(As an introduction) I was there when she was conceived. Her mama and daddy were under the dock at Jack's.

Down there at Gourdneck where Mama used to live? They lost 5, 6 hogs a year to lightning.

4 year-old: I farted on you.

You mean you'd ask him about his reproductive---(significant look)---but you won't ask about his toupee?

My dad: How many ways are there to play Solitaire?
My uncle: Hell, Joe, I don't know. I know there are 26 ways to paper a baby's ass.

200

I just wanted to be the 200th post. Um, I like movies? Here are some that I like.

• Mother
• Mother's boys
• Boys on the Side
• Side Out
• Out of Sight

I was just making those up as I went. Again...I wanted to go down in history.

My favorite 3-frame movies

1. Blade Runner
2. Iron Eagle
3. Back to the Future

http://www.3framemovies.com/

Things I am most excited about this summer

• Julie and Blaine coming to visit
  
• Finishing my first screenplay in 5 years
• Transformers 2
• Losing the 10lbs I lost when I first moved back home but then gained back
• The return of The Mentalist
• Drinking on my deck with Julie and Blaine
• Watching Party Down with Julie and Blaine
• Playing "washers" with Julie and Blaine
• Watching Julie and Blaine's face when they spend time with my family
• Harry Potter
• Public Enemies
• Getting a surprise inheritance from some relative I never knew so I can get the hell out of here and move to California?
  

some movie moms I want to hug

1. Dolores Claiborne
2. Carrie Watts
3. Sara Goldfarb
4. Selma Jezkova
5. Chantelle Who's-got-no-time-for-fresh-talkin'-Louisiana-cowboys
6. Beatrice Henderson
   

Overheard at the Family Reunion

My tractor weighs 1668 pounds without any oil or diesel in it.

There were fruitcakes, Kotex, and TVs all up and down those railroad tracks. It was just before Christmas you know.

I mean, it is a championship rabbit.

Oh yeah...she twirled all through high school and college. She went to Tech on a twirling scholarship.

And when they went in to take out my gallbladder, they found out my kidney was the size of a newborn baby's fist.

Some people I am in love with right now

and not in a dirty way.

Michael Torres
Travis Tucker
Brandon Belt
Russell Moldenhauer
Kevin Keyes
Brandon Loy
Preston Clark
Cameron Rupp
Connor Rowe
Taylor Jungmann
Austin Wood
Chance Ruffin
Augie Garrido
Skip Johnson

things i bought in miami

per p.jenkins request....

1. white ceramic citrus juicer - the juicer part is an owl with spikey feathers
2. ceramic measuring spoons that look like giraffes
3. swiss chocolate covered assorted nuts - for my mom as a thank you for picking me up from the airport
4. custom made sandals - wedges with camel colored leather straps - i picked out what i wanted and a cobbler is making them and sending them to me
5. south beach baseball cap

my hardcore seafood diet this weekend

i spent the weekend in miami and ate a lot of fish

• calamari - dinner thursday
• snapper ceviche - lunch friday
• chilean sea bass - dinner friday
• calamari again - dinner saturday
• tuna - dinner saturday
• stone crab - dinner sunday

this is kinda a boring list...but it is sunday and i am notorious for saying boring pointless things on sunday and don't feel like deleting it...and now looking at it on paper it is really not that much seafood....really just what i had for dinner every night.

eight things i thought watching "role models"...for the second time

five writers...really?
you're too good for this elizabeth banks
they could have cast an eggplant, but it's nice to have Rudd instead
McLovin' 2: The Lowest Common Denominator
have i lost my sense of humor?...wait, an "I love you" movie line run...nevermind
ugghh...no train wreck, no treasure, just background noise to a hangover and a pizza
ok...maybe I am a bit of a hypocrite
oh sh*t, tropic thunder starts on HBO in 2 minutes...(click)

seven potential titles for my autobiography

1. and another thing
2. i know you are but what am i?
3. in spite of everything
4. it's not me, it's you
5. short story long
6. the mysterious yearning secretive reclusive troubled confused loving musical gifted intelligent beautiful tender sensitive haunted passionate talented mr. rucker
7. tomorrow

things that have been delivered to my house this week

1. vanity and linen closet.
2. a dress (unfortunately it looked better on the model)
3. flea medicine (for the puppy – not the humans)
4. vitamins (for the humans – not the puppy)
5. memory foam topper thing for the bed
6. a nail gun

some of my favorite things to do, aka my hobbies

• Drink
• Hang out on decks
• Play games
• Watch funny things
• Listen to music
  

six dangerous acts i've performed in the last 24 hours

1. opened my mouth
2. looked at (re: ogled) a NSFW picture of leighton meester in the middle of class
3. micturated off of my hotel balcony
4. revealed my neurosis to just about everyone in my work troupe
5. consumed three meals at the Woodlands Resort & Conference Center
6. drank beer and debated politics with a crazy/sexy blonde republican

five people i've been told i look like...this week

1. that dude from Entourage
2. ray liotta
3. derek jeter and/or alex rodriguez
4. tiger woods
5. "you know...THAT guy!"

Misleading Movie Titles

What they're calling it: Sugar
What it sounds like it may be about: A prostitute named "Sugar" (Halle Berry) who changes peoples lives while trying to make ends meet out on the streets.
Actual Synopsis: A talented Dominican pitcher faces a number of curveballs during his tenure on a minor league team in small town Iowa.
What it should be called: Slumpville

What they're calling it: Downloading Nancy
What it sounds like it may be about: A rom com about a computer nerd (Michael Cera) who creates his "perfect woman" only to find out she actually exists as a student in his high school.
Actual Synopsis: The story follows the fate of the unhappy wife Nancy who orders the guy she meets over the Internet to kill her, but the two of them fall in love.
What it should be called: Webstress

What they're calling it: Extract
What it sounds like it may be about: A retired Mercenary (Stallone) gets back in the game when his brother is taken hostage in war-torn Iraq.
Actual Synopsis: Joel, the owner of an Extract plant, tries to contend with myriad personal and professional problems, such as his potentially unfaithful wife and employees who want to take advantage of him (*directed by Mike Judge).
What it should be called: Blurg

Songs The Cover Band is Playing Outside

I don't know why I am still at work, but at least there's a semi-decent (from a distance, anyway) cover band playing at 7th & Congress. Here is what they've played so far, plus some random comments.

1. Boys of Summer - I think they actually played a few songs before this, but I didn't exactly take notice until they broke out the Don Henley. I can see him in sepia, riding in the back of a truck down some main street (I have some strange memory that it's Waxahachie).
2. That song that's something like..."This town is taking its toll [beat] on me" I don't think that's right, though.
   
3. China Grove - I had to do a dance to this song at a football halftime show, and I haaaated it. Surprisingly, I don't remember a single step.
   
4. Let's Stay Together - Mia and I sang this as a duet during the first karaoke party at my house.
5. Let's Groove Tonight - My 3rd grade teacher used to play music for us, and I distinctly remember this song from that time. I mostly listened to country music (and she let me play my Oak Ridge Boys and Alabama tapes, too), but oh how did I love the part about "boogie....on down...on down...boogie on down." I did a little chair dance tonight.
6. Summer of 69 - that is when my parents got married, and I think that every time I hear that song.
7. Love Isn't Always on Time
8. Carry On My Wayward Son - one time I found a Best of Kansas tape on sale for one dollar at the Wal-Mart in Vivian, Louisiana.
9. Maggie May - I think this is the only Rod Stewart song I love. Must be the mandolin.
10. Any Way You Want It - I think it's time for me to go home...
    

things i bought today that i am excited about

1. Hella Nation by Evan Wright - the Border's man recomended it to me after he helped me find another book...he just read it and likes it so much he has it as one of his "picks" right now.
2. Ojon dry shampoo....this product may revolutionize my life or could be the biggest let down ever
3. $50 clutch at Nordstrom sale
4. buy one get one free spary on sunscreen

Film Experience Rorschach (a.k.a. How I spent the past 3 days...)

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button - flat
The Reader - boobs...I mean, heavy...wait no, hard...yiiikkeees, I'm just gunna stop
Bride Wars - charming (I love you Annie!)
Quantum of Solace - rowdy
Body of Lies - misjudged
Role Models - dud
Milk - commanding
Nobel Son - ... literally have nothing to say...wow
Studio 60 on the Sunest Strip (Disc 1) - yearning

Shows I've Seen in 2009

so far.
a (sad little) work in progress.

1. San Saba County at Hole in the Wall 01/02
2. Noise Revival Orchestra at Lambert's 03/14
   
3. Bishop Allen 03/18
4. Daniel Johnston 03/18
5. Cursive 03/18
6. Thao Nguyen and the Get Down Stay Down 03/18
7. Avett Brothers 03/18 (3-7 all at Paste's SXSW party at Radio Room)
   
8. Horsefeathers at Red Eyed Fly 03/19
9. Blind Pilot at Emo's Annex 03/19
10. Fanfarlo at Emo's Annex 03/19
11. Deertick at Side Bar 03/19
12. San Saba County at Mother Egans 03/19
13. Brennan Leigh at Threadgill's 03/22
14. Alvin Ailey Dance Theatre with Sweet Honey in the Rock at Bass Hall 03/25
15. Centro-Matic at Parish Room 05/15

Anyone up for Bonnie Prince Billy on Friday?

The Least Sexy Sex Scenes In Sexy Sex Scene History

7. Beowulf
Remember when all those crazy RESTRICTED trailers of naked Angie Jolie leaked to the interweb, and just as everyone who never thought to type "Angelina Jolie" and "Gia" into Google was preparing to go nuts, we soon learned that "Naked Angelina Jolie" actually meant "Naked Dragon Woman Thing From Rejected Pixar Film?" It’d be like if a movie came out billing "Shannon Elizabeth FINALLY gets naked!" and everyone dumb enough to be excited by it was treated to a CGI'd Shannon Elizabeth-voiced unicorn character with rainbow-colored boobs. Which reminds me...I forgot to Netflix Beowulf.

6. Basic Instinct 2
Perhaps the most necessary sequel in cinematic history (besides “Bring It On Again”), Instinct 2 is a gripping, powerful tale about the inevitability of human aging and the overwhelming nature of denial. Sharon Stone is thoroughly convincing as the never-acclaimed lead actress who foolishly equates credibility with being naked a whole bunch of times, but her doctored, leathery flesh merely symbolizes the hopeless pursuit of eternal youth. Unfortunately, I feel like the critics didn’t fully appreciate this biting, cautionary tale.

5. Short Cuts
There’s nothing particularly unappealing about a bottomless Julianne Moore yelling at her husband for three minutes. It’s more or less just one of the most straightforwardly, non-sexual displays of nudity in cinematic history. In fact...the entire idea of utilizing nudity in films to serve some sort of artistic, literary purpose is thoroughly unarousing for me- nude scenes should only be used to either set up some sort of wacky comic foil (usually involving Porky's-like spying), to identify which mortals are about to be massacred in a horror flick, or to break up the weighty, layered dialogue in Cinemax movies with “Deception” in the title.

4. There’s Something About Mary
Yes, the withered, saggy boobs in this accidental peeping scene are props (I’m hoping, if there’s any gynecologic justice in this world), but so was the third nipple on that chick from Total Recall, and that didn’t stop me from fantasizing about her non-stop - Peter Griffin style - back when I was younger*. I guess the only consolation from this quick-cut startler is that by NOT seeing Cameron Diaz’s boobs, I can still argue my theory that her nipples are actually just shrill, laughing cartoon faces.

* Last week

3. The Rules Of Attraction
The unsexiness of the Food Service Girl’s cut-up corpse being pulled out of a bloody bathtub still pales in comparison to the jaw-dropping implausibility of the scene itself, which represents a sharp peak on this movie’s upward-trending graph of being totally sh*tty. I suppose the suicide scene does balance the extremely sexy and even more believable party scene where completely naked college girls grind on costumed dudes, which, I don’t know about you, definitely reminds me of every single party I ever went to in college. By the way, I went to Eyes Wide Shut U.

2. About Schmidt
I thought we had a deal, Kathy Bates - I acknowledge that you’re really talented and allow you to be the one successful, yet unattractive actress in a looks-obsessed profession, and in exchange, I NEEEEVVVVEEEEERRRRRR see you naked. Ever...In fact, we should never see you with fewer than four, maybe five layers of clothes on, preferably involving some combination of judicial robes, bulletproof vests, and/or Hazmat suits. In fact, can you please play some FBI-judge in a radiation-filled courtroom in your next movie? Who’s also a beekeeper on the side? I have no doubts that you’ll be awesome.

1. The Shining
The only thing more painful than getting kicked in the crotch is having someone deliberately giving you an erection and then kick you in the junk. That seems to have been about the only possible motivation behind Mr. Kubrick’s decision to include Shining's “old woman in the bath” scene - I realize the dude’s going insane, but surely there are cinematic devices which can convey this idea without sucker-punching the vas deferens of every unsuspecting adolescent watching this movie for the first time? Or at least have the scene jump cut before she turns into the old woman to a scene of Jack outside the door saying into the camera “wow, that was gross and surprising! She turned into a melting old woman! Well I’ll be!” Wouldn’t that have been a fair compromise for everyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Honarable Mention:
Monster's Ball ("you make me feel good...")
Requiem for a Dream (@$$ to @$$. That's all I have to say)
Kids (I think there are laws saying you can’t be turned on by this movie)
Brown Bunny (If you think this movie is hot, your name is Vincent Gallo)
The Adventures of Milo and Otis (wait...ummm)
Taking Lives

Old Lists

I found this on a group writing blog that Alana started many years ago. It is from January 2003, and most of it is still true. Except the pants. They're making pants much longer these days.

Things I Do That Annoy Me To No End
1. Wear pants that are too short because I only have one pair that is long enough and I wore those yesterday.
2. Wear boots with said pants to further accentuate the flooding.
3. Search for extracurricular things to keep me busy at work when my job actually provides me with more than I could ever do AND is semi-interesting most days.
4. Not write debit card transactions in my check register. [actually, I don't care at all about this anymore]
5. Avoid reading mail.
6. Forget things.
7. Unknowingly hurt others' feelings.
8. Give in to requests to clog in public.
9. Bite my fingernails.
10. Oversleep every day.

Things I Do That Annoy Others But Too Bad For Them
1. Respond to clothes compliments by announcing what superbargains they were (not my most thrilling shopping victory, but my long-enough pants only cost twelve dollars).
2. Crunch ice. [I wish I still did this, but I can't]
3. Give way too much background for stories and really believe that it's required for context.

Things Others Do That Annoy Me
1. Call the office when the receptionist is away from her desk.
2. Underestimate me.
3. Lie.
4. Tell me that even if we were both lesbians, I would not be dateable. [I have no idea, but I'm pretty sure the source is Alana]

reasons why i heart gossip girl

i am way too old to like this show as much as i do, but i can't help it

1. blair
2. chuck
3. blair and chuck
4. television without pity recaps - jacob rules http://www.televisionwithoutpity.com/show/gossip-girl/
5. Quick resolution - problems/relationships/anything rarely lasts more than 3 episodes - it is the most instant gratification show ever
6. it is so unrealistic that it might actually be real
7. the insane fashion - teenage boys in suits and girls that never wear jeans

xoxo

Best Things That Have Ever Happened On An American Idol Final

2. Prince showed up.


1. David Hasselhoff cried.

Reasons Why I Love You (aka this is what happens when you go 60 days without drinking and then find out that the woman you love never loved you)

Julie - You can be such a pain in the ass but I love you because we can talk forever. I could hang out with you during a tornado and have a good time. You can always make me laugh and you laugh at my stupid jokes even when I know it wasn't funny. Of course, you'll qualify it by telling me it wasn't funny. Most importantly, you have truly exquisite taste in all things art and have no idea how smart you really are. But when it comes to watching T.V. on DVD, I could die doing that with you and several bottles of red wine. No, really...several. And you were there for me when I needed you most. I actually do love you with all of my heart.
Blaine - Women are never a competition with us. J.K. Seriously, you are the smartest person in the room at all times but are so humble yet conceited at the same time that you somehow make this amalgamated monster that I both love and love. I don't think I've ever known someone who wants to be in a relationship with someone half as good as they are who deserves it. That was a tough sentence to get through, I know. You, I think, are the only person who thinks I'm as funny as I think I am and also, the funniest person in any room I'm not standing in.
Derek - You have an "asshole" facade but you're really the nicest person I know. And that's saying a lot. As much as I know I could ask any of my friends for anything, you, I feel, would be the one to really come through no matter what I asked of you. You also censor yourself too much because you're so self-conscious about how funny you are at all times. But with great power, comes great responsibility. Also, you have always been there for my horrible relationships and, more importantly, have always been right. You know I'll never listen to you, but I'll always concede. Always. But probably most importantly, I love that you and I will always split the tab. I remember our discussions about people and money fondly. Very fondly. It makes me laugh.
Austen - Oh I miss drinking with you. When you call me or text me, even though it's usually because Karen is coming into town and you just want someone to kill the time with until she gets here, I always appreciate it. More importantly, we have always had this weird relationship where during almost every single bar-outing, we have at least one real, serious discussion about either life, love or politics. I miss you a lot. And although this is something you probably don't want everyone on our "blog site" to know, the fact that you loaned me 100 dollars for no reason, tells me everything I'll ever need to know about how much you care about me. I'm going to pay that back ten fold by the way.
Ragan - You have the biggest facade of all. You're tough - no denying. But once in a while, usually when alcohol is involved, you come across as a caring, smart, funny, vulnerable human being and when you do, you make me wish we were better friends. I will always think of you as one of my best friends even though you'll probably go to your grave denying it. But I know you love me. And I will never forget that I slapped a microphone out of my face and made an enemy of you. Oh, if I had a time machine. And I wish I could play touch screen trivia with you right now! ( I love yelling at you when you when you miss "sports" questions).
Karen - I smile when I type your name. You know why? Because I HATED you when I first met you. What's funny is, you have since become one of my favorite people ever. And, surprisingly, it has nothing to do with Austen. You just have this way about you that I love. I love that you are a total bitch to everyone you meet for the first time (even if it's my current girlfriend). I always tell them "that's how she was when I first met her" and I'm not lying. But if I live by a code, it is the "Karen" code. And that is, nobody is good enough to be inside my circle until I declare they're good enough. You also have a fantastic smile and are just a beautiful person, inside and out.
Candice - For starters, you and I have a great "how we met story" even for friends. In fact, it's so great, I don't even know if YOU know it. We met during one of the float trips. And you told Derek that you thought I was going to kiss you. And that made ME think that Derek was mad at me. And this is making ZERO sense for everyone except me, you and Derek. But that's ok. It was worth it. You certainly made Claudine feel at home and, now that I think about it, besides being Derek's wife and, eventually, the mother of his children, I think you were put on this earth to be my current girlfriend's foray into the world of my friends. That was a long sentence but it's true. Also, there's nobody I would rather have shots with. Especially fruity shots. Oh, and discuss popular music with. And kudos to Derek. You're hot.
D.J. - First of all, your first name is my middle name. Bet you didn't know that. Secondly, what's it like to be the kind of person that EVERYBODY LIKES? Seriously, have you ever known someone to NOT like you? You are, simply, the most likable person on the planet. You are funny, smart and modest. And incredibly handsome. Why not? You, much like Ragan , probably have no idea how highly I think of you. Well, the answer is very. Like, 9.9 out of 10. I would be more sad if something happened to you than if my sister died. What? Well, I really just wanted to see if you were paying attention dear reader. But I really love D.J. And he has a super nice apartment and girlfriend (see how I slipped SUSAN into my "Why I Love You" blog without having to actually list her since I don't know her at all?). However, I am extremely disappointed that he never contributes to the blogs.
Q.T. - I'll bet you're surprised to find your name here. Well, I have to admit (and the afore mentioned can attest) that I have never wanted to meet someone ever. But man, I can't wait for our movie-actor game. Your posts keep me going. Don't stop. And please know that I really don't think as highly of myself as I post. I actually quite hate myself. But, thanks to you, I now love J.T. So, therefore, I love you. It'll make sense when we meet. I'm not even gay. Well, that depends on your definition.

P.S. I triple dog dare any one of you to top this post~

This just in...

Justin Timberlake is awesome.

The pop star, actor, falsetto enthusiast, and certified BAMF hosted SNL for the third time in his already illustrious career last evening, and to be perfectly honest, he killed.

Killed, Jerry. Killed.

Timberlake's ability to be the coolest guy in the room without trying - and without making all other guys hate him for it - is an extremely rare talent. Jackmanesque some might say. Equally refreshing is seeing a star of his magnitude not afraid to make fun of himself, an ability that paved the way for this grainy sketch:



Which segues perfectly into the follow up of the Andy Samberg-Timberlake internet sensation about a certain object in a box. Saturday's digital short was just as bleeped - and just in time for Mother's Day.

Good luck getting this absolute filthy ditty out of your head today:

Why I Sleep With One Eye Open

The following is an exact transcript of my mother's contacts from her cell phone.

• 4135313995
• 413543344, orchard
• 536110211cqkncqkncqkncqkqkncnc
• 802558081hxpm
• 860748712knckncknckncknckncknckncknckn
• 88888xpm'
• 9007002108???????????
• ari
• b86045923ow, aurie
• balance
• blow low
• blow s
• blows, karen
• blows, karen
• blows, laurie
• cararauh, kridtiauthyaxnduand
• daia
• di
• dorothy
• eisey, oe
• en
• evinb
• firliet, kridti
• gouge
• hks x nhks x nhks x nhks x 84828482848284
• hks x nhks x nhks x nhks x 84828482848284
• hks x nhks x nhks x nhks x 84828482848284
• hks84828482848284
• hxpm
• hxpm
• hxpm
• hxpm
• hxpmcqkncqn
• jerk
• jerry
• karen
• merr,,on"
• merrill, jon
• merrill, irene
• minutes used
• mom
• moms
• moyni, sue
• moynihan, barb
• moynihan, jackie
• moynihan, steve- (***my step dad)
• moynihan, sue
• orchard
• p, xpmcqkcqkncqkncqkncqn
• pmx
• riverbend chickopp
• steve-
• stewat, tammara
• su
• talbot, judy
• todd (***I tried to use this today to call Todd, my brother, and my step dad, Steve answered his work phone)
• uhyaxnp, anppuv?

I am not making any of this up. Someone please call child services.

Late Night Rambling List

QT and I just finished up some work that we decided could be completed at the local watering hole. So now we will create a joint list, in the form of the game, Movie/Actor. Who will win?!?

QT:Movie/PJ:Actor

Go:

Michael Clayton
George Clooney
Leatherheads
Renee Zellweger
Cold Mountain
Eileen Atkins
The Village?? (checking IMDB................not correct!)

I win.

Try again?

Pootie Tang
Ice Cube? (checking IMDB................not correct!)

QT wins.

Try again?

In the Bedroom
Marisa Tomei
Untamed Heart
Christian Slater
Gleaming the Cube
Martha Plimpton? (checking IMDB..................Not correct!)

QT wins. 2 out of 3. However, this does not count because QT thought he was talking about *Pump Up the Volume*. Anyway, try again?

Spaceballs
Bill Pullman
Independence Day
Will Smith
Hitch
Kevin James
Chuck & Larry Get Married or Something?
Adam Sandler
Click
Drew Barrymore? Wrong.

QT wins again (except for how he said Chuck and Larry Get Married or Something?) and we go again....

The Dark Knight
Gary Oldman
Bram Stoker's Dracula
Sadie Frost
Married to Jude Law? Gattaca? Almost correct.

I win. Next?

Slumdog Millionaire
Frieda Pinto

well, that backfired. I win. Again?

Casino Royale
Judi Dench
Elizabeth
Cate Blanchett
The Talented Mr. Ripley

And with that we will agree that either this movie or The English Patient is the prettiest movie ever made.

(they are making us leave)

my thoughts on whole foods

things i like

• salad in a box - mixed greens, blue cheese, walnuts and roasted tomatoes
• chicken pot stickers and the awesome dipping sauce
• not having to print stickers for your vegetables
• it is not crowded
• they have the good pita chips
• the seafood

things i do not like

• they do not have the good hummus
• the bakery is terrible
• it is small and has no selection
• it has very few "regular" products
• it is the most expensive place in houston

Things You Probably Didn't Know About: The Last Templar

• It's a Made-for-TV movie with the caliber of stars you would expect for something like this.
• Mira Sorvino is the lead...she plays an archaeologist named Tess Chaykin.
• The movie opens at a museum where they are displaying ancient artifacts (I'm guessing worth billions of dollars). Tess is one of the attendees. This is where we get to know her and how sassy she is.
• Suddenly, four men dressed as Templar Knights storm the museum (on HORSES), behead the one security guard standing outside, and steal the artifacts. Well, when one of the men steals a gold cross (which Tess's dad discovered) she yells "Hey! That doesn't belong to you!" and grabs a gold staff and tries to knock him off his horse. When they get away, Tess follows, jumps on a police horse stationed outside the museum (she's wearing a dress and high heels, btw) and follows the man with the gold cross. She meets up with him in Central Park and they have a joust. Yes. A joust. She wins, knocking him off the horse. The police come and arrest her.
• FBI shows up to the museum led by Agent Sean Daly (say it with me...Scott Foley) who immediately falls for the sassy Tess.
• Oh yeah, this movie was based on a NOVEL. That means not only did someone take the time to write this story in novel form, but someone published it and then SOLD the rights to make a movie. Someone else then adapted the novel into a screenplay and then someone directed it.
• Back at FBI, Agent Sean Daly is getting yelled at by his boss (a woman). She says "One of New York's finest is beheaded by a medieval knight."
• While looking at the video of the robbery, one of Sean's co-workers says to him "They've got helmets on so no tattoos or marks to ID them."
• Meanwhile, back at home, Tess and her 7-year-old daughter use google search to unlock the secret to the robbery that the FBI and police are too stupid to discover.
• Tess goes to the hospital to visit her friend who was hurt at the museum (you see? her MALE friend got hurt, but she didn't. She's just as tough, if not TOUGHER than any man). While at the hospital, she learns that the man she jousted is on the same floor. So she casually slips into the room where they keep all the doctor's lab coats (in case anyone needs one) and slips out posed as...a doctor. She goes to the door where the man is being held and easily gets past the security guard. While inside she convinces him to tell her secrets that are over 700 years old and he does, because she is scary.
• After she leaves, a man shows up, flashes a fake FBI badge, and gets inside (this security guard is doing a great job so far). The man gets inside, bla bla bla, kills the guy, and then leaves.
• Now, Agent Sean Daly is confused. His only lead in the robbery is dead. So he and the rest of the FBI examine the video tapes from the hospital where he tells his boss "Everyone going into the room checks out...except for a female doctor we haven't been able to identify yet and an FBI agent."
• This is about 38 minutes into the movie and where I pressed "stop" on the player.
  
• You're welcome.
  

things my brother cooked this weekend...i think

my brother the chef lives with me. this is good and bad. bad - i come home from a weekend out of town and find pots and pans and bowls and appliances everywhere. and this is what i think he made.

1. some sort of savory cookie/cracker - (mixer is covered in flour and still plugged in; cookies are in Tupperware)
2. a pot of coffee - (coffee maker is still plugged in and half full)
3. hot tea (french press full of tea leaves on the counter)
4. a roast chicken - (Tupperware full of chicken in fridge - first find to not send me into a rage)
5. a jar of pickled ramps - (had to ask - bc this really looks like a jar of weeds)

A Few Things You Don't Know About Me

1. I've seen every movie Kate Bosworth has been in...and liked 'em all (particularly Rules of Attraction...hmmm).

2. I won my dorm award for "The Student Who Has Changed the Least Since Childhood." I was mortified to see a picture of me as a toddler in my dorm hall Freshman year. Apparently the RA's got parents to send in pics of their cherished ones, and, well, my Mom has always been a joiner. I'm not sure which award was more humiliating - this one, or one I received when working at Blockbuster for being "Perky." Yep, that's the one.

3. I swear...a lot. Should you ask them, most people who have spent any time with me will say that I never swear. And I don't...when I'm with people. When I'm on my own it's a different matter. If I'm alone and I drop something, or forget something, or get frustrated with the computer the air turns blue and I'm cursing like…what swears a lot? A navvy? A trooper? Al Swearingen?.

It's not a conscious decision to switch this language off when in company. I never think "ooh, I'm really vexed, but I musn't say fuck". It simply doesn't happen and I very, very rarely feel the need for it. Years of some kind of trying to be a good boy have conditioned me to be polite, which has its advantages. On the few occasions that I do swear it has much effect.

4. I find extreme atheists and religious fundamentalists equally irrational. Having no degree of agnosticism whatsoever, and placing absolute faith in the existence/non-existence of any deity is, in my opinion, illogical.

5. I dislike any form of synchronous communication, primarily because it leaves almost no time to think of about my response. I can only just bear forms of communication like Sametime and BBM which are only just synchronous, and as most people who've ever spoken to me on either will know, it is not unheard of me taking five minutes to reply.

6. Everything you think you know is wrong. All the world's a stage/And all the men and women are merely players. Very little of how I appear externally is how I am internally. Only one or two people really know me.

7. I cried (borderline weeeeppppeeeedddd) during the West Wing series finale. In related news, "Tomorrow" is my favorite word.

Things You Probably Didn't Know About: While She Was Out Part II

• I am now 33 minutes into this movie and have to stop it.
  
• After leaving the mall she crashed her car in an abandoned construction site and found a tool box.
• The "thugs" (led by Lukas Haas) are chasing her.
• I decided to read the Netflix description of the film and this is what it says word-for-word: What starts out as a Christmas Eve trip to the mall ends up as an exercise in terror for suburban mom Della Myers (Kim Basinger) when she finds herself stranded in a forest and pursued by a quartet of thugs.. all because she's left an angry note on their car. The baddies (including Lukas Haas) chase her from the mall, and when she crashes her car in a wooded area, she has nothing to fend off her attackers but her wits and her toolbox.
• Exercise in terror.
• Stranded in a forest.
• Quartet of thugs.
• Angry note.
• Baddies
• Wooded area.
• Toolbox.
• Wow.
  

Things You Probably Didn't Know About: While She Was Out

• It is the worst movie ever made.
• Kim Basinger won an Academy Award and yet, is still the worst actress alive.
• It is one of the funniest movies ever made.
• I am only 20 minutes into it right now and here's what happened so far...
• Her abusive stock-broker husband came home to find the house in shambles and started a fight with her on Christmas Eve.
• She went to the mall ON CHRISTMAS EVE to buy wrapping paper.
• Please re-read the last one...
• She left a note on a car that was taking up two parking spaces.
• The car belonged to a group of wild teenagers (because where else would they be on Christmas Eve?) who are omniscient and knew that she was the one who wrote the note.
• They blocked her in and told her to "eat dick".
• They murdered the mall security guard.
• She got away...

....to be continued

People Funnier Than Me and More Talented Than Hugh Jackman

bummers

• My A/C is broken and won't be fixed until next week, at the earliest. It will probably cost a lot of money.
  
• Monday's ridiculous rain storm caused water damage in the downstairs bedroom and now I have a hole in the ceiling.
• This seems like a lot to me since I have only made three mortgage payments.
  
• My watch stopped keeping time. I got that in Jamaica 4 years ago, so that's not too bad.
• Last week I went to New Orleans and when I got back to the airport my car was dead. It is 7 months old, so that's pretty dumb.
• Three days ago my phone broke, completely. It is 5 months old.
  

The bright side:

My constant reference to the movie *The Money Pit* has given me new opportunities to discuss the comedic brilliance of Shelley Long with others. Although no one seems to know what I am talking about.

Also, today my co-worker Monica touched my phone. Like, that is all she did, touched it. And now it works. I had made the rounds with tech support and tried all sorts of touching and rebooting and reactivating and it was still dead. So I am wondering if I should have Monica come over and take care of the rest of these things.

I am off to a wedding.